A love letter

Dear friends,

You were my first choice. My second home. My third space.

Though you are no longer any of these, I am not upset.

Back then I asked you, "Do you think we're friends just because of circumstance?"

To this you responded, "Maybe, but does that matter?"

See, I often wonder what would have happened if I was not there at that exact time and place. What if I was not there when you went to IKEA? If I had said no to a night making ratatouille and eating ice cream? If I had taken the bus home because it was getting late instead of watching 8 episodes of Dash & Lily?

Perhaps I would not have spent every free hour in that 16m² clubroom that had one table and extra chairs stolen from the hallway. I probably would not have developed a crush and gotten rejected. I definitely would not have been part of an underground band with 0 performances to date.

I was scared that we were simply people who met at the right time and place, and that this delineation would somehow undermine our friendship. I was afraid that admitting to this would mean we were not true friends.

But while these thoughts swirl in my brain, I know, and I have felt firsthand, that this is anything but true. You were always right - it does not matter if we met by coincidence. I would say I'm dumb for thinking otherwise, but if you were here you would call me out for always being self-deprecating, so I won't.

You taught me how to love your friends, and that I would be loved despite my flaws. You helped me get over my anxiety of spending one-on-one time. You said it was okay to receive care and gifts without always having to return them.  You helped me land my first full-time job offer, and when that offer was rescinded, you gave me strength to get back on my feet.

You not only celebrated my successes, but felt my pain as if it was yours.

Our time together will likely be a short blip in my lifetime, but in that time you made an impression on me that will last for that lifetime.

You were my first choice. My second home. My third space.

Though you are no longer any of these, I am not upset.

Instead, I rest easy knowing there is a point in the spacetime continuum in which you and I aligned perfectly, and you were all those things and more.

And for me, that is more than enough.

Love,
Me, now, back then, and from here

dear kevin in a year from now

Hi, how are ya?

I'm doing well, thanks for asking. Today is my birthday and I wanted to share some thoughts and aspirations with future me. My hope is that you will forget about this soon (you have a tendency to) and on November 20th, 2023, you will receive a notification linking you to this post.

As usual, you spent the day in relative normalcy. You have always said that your birthday is "just another day," and that you don't make a big deal out of it. In reality you can't help but to expect special treatment and attention of some sort. That's not a bad thing, but it's also not the point I'm trying to make here. This year you did not care about the attention.

I can remember vividly the feeling of checking my phone every time a notification came up.

"5 friends posted on your timeline"

"12 friends posted on your timeline"

"39 friends posted on your timeline"

And so on and so forth. Unhealthy phone habits aside, I want to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with being excited about this. It's comforting to be remembered by friends, whether they are from lifetimes ago or hogging up the forefront today. The reason I bring this up is because today really highlighted the unconditional love and support in my life.

In the past 24 hours you have received the lowest amount birthday wishes in recent memory, yet you feel more loved and appreciated than ever. Last night you spent the day with family, and celebrated with a big dinner. All your close friends left a message, whether they lived a couple of blocks away or were across the country. You had cake and bubble tea delivered to you, and direct messages with lighthearted feelings and appreciation.

You wonder what you have done to deserve this. For each person that has made this day special for you, you rack your brain on what you have done to warrant their kindness. This way of thinking is worrisome - friendship is far from transactional - but it's a part of your nature. You feel guilty and worry that you don't treat your friends nearly as well as you should.

That brings you to the me right now. You and I, we're going to try our best to show our friends that we care about them. If life after school has taught you anything, it's that friendships are fleeting, so it's important to treat them with care and make the effort to show up. I hope that in a year's time you can confidently say that you reached this goal and many others.

liminality

Something that always surprises me is how quickly life and its many aspects can change. Things that we take for certain - family, friends, homes, jobs, school - can drastically change in the blink of an eye.

The company I was planning to work for cancelled my job offer a month before my start date.

The stated reason was because the tech market was on the downtrend. In hindsight, I was probably one of the first to be affected as the media coverage of the mass layoffs wouldn't start until some time later. The emotions that resulted were a mix of disappointment, frustration, and even relief. I was disappointed that I would no longer be moving down to San Francisco to make it to the "big leagues" with all my friends. I was frustrated because the beginning of my journey as a university graduate had managed to derail itself before it even started, and I couldn't do anything about it. I was relieved because a part of me was scared to leave the people and places I called home for my entire life.

This is all to say that things can suddenly change, and sometimes you can't do anything about it.

Now to the intended topic of discussion. I spent the last 4 months of university viewing everything as if it would be the last time. This is such an example of some of the (in hindsight, melodramatic) thoughts I had as the end of my undergrad approached.

I've been experiencing my "normal" life differently now that I'm planning to move away. This scene and many others are "normal" and comfortable, but one day they will be faraway and special places. I'll miss them, but for now I will continue to enjoy them, as I always have. pic.twitter.com/0DDKyBwZaw

— kevin (@therealkevinzoo) March 12, 2022

So now I have been experiencing everything in a renewed state. I was ready to tearfully part with my "old" life and instead stayed in the exact same spot. Like the beginning of a race I took a deep breath and launched myself forward, only to hit a wall that suddenly appeared. This perspective has been extremely refreshing however. I've found a peace and happiness in things not changing. I thought that I needed to move away and live by myself to start life "for real" when in reality I have been living this whole time.

This is all I really had to say about the matter. It's been a turbulent several months and honestly speaking I'm not sure how this will all turn out. Let's hope that one day in the (somewhat near) future things will have worked out for me!

glasses

The ocean opens itself to us, painting a picturesque setting as the sun sets. We take a moment to grasp the sheer awe of it.

She turns to me and says, "Want to find somewhere to sit?"

Ah. I can see why they call it Golden Hour. It's as if the world decided that the last bit of sunlight should be used on her.

"Yeah let's find a log."

We seat ourselves on a sturdy looking log, away from the other beachgoers. For a minute it is only the sunset on the horizon, the sand and log on the beach, and ourselves.

She takes a big stretch and looks satisfied with it before finally speaking. "Do you know why I asked you to come with me today?"

My heartbeat shoots through the roof. Holy shit. This is it. It's finally happening.

"No not really, what's up?" I lie, trying to not let my excitement show through the cracks.

She laughs and says, "Wow you really didn't pick up? So you also don't know why we went to the cafe to study, IKEA shopping last weekend, and the movie the other day?"

"No actually. Though I'm curious now since you say there's a reason." This was only half a lie. I genuinely didn't know that those outings were because she was interested. I thought she just needed to get things done and didn't want to do them alone.

"Okay I guess I really just have to tell you straight up then."

"Please do."

She faces me and takes a deep breath to prepare herself. A moment passes and I think back to everything that led to where we are now.

At first it was just a simple "hey good game tonight! thanks for teaching me a lot even though I was really bad :')" after our intramural volleyball game. Then it became a back and forth of messaging each other our attempts at the daily Wordle. Then whenever she needed to do some errand or task she would always invite me out. It was the love story that I had been missing out on my entire undergrad.

"I really like your friend."

What did she just say? I don't understand. I don't get it. But I have to answer I have to say something.

"Oh! Yeah, it makes sense looking back at it." And that was the second biggest lie I told myself.

"Right? And thank you so much for being there when we did everything, the cafe, IKEA, the movie. I would've been way too nervous if it were just him and I."

Right. So the reason she was so comfortable with me and so cold to him was because she literally liked him too much to act normally.

"Hey I'm glad that I could be there for you."

She leans in to hug me and says, "Thank you, you don't know how much this means to me. I know I've got this with your support."

She breaks off the hug and she and I sit there until the sun finishes setting. She talks about how much better she feels now that she's told me and knows she has somebody to help her. She talks about all the good things about my friend, and I sit there and agree.

Eventually she and I leave that log on the beach. The beach, once brilliantly golden, is now cold and sullen. She and I make our way to the bus stop to go home, where she gives me one last hug.

"Thanks again, I'll see you soon!" she says as she steps onto the bus and away from me. It's a short walk home but I make it long. I make cup noodles, watch some YouTube, and get ready for bed.

As I lay in bed I think, "How could I have been so wrong?" For all the nights I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of her, she was thinking of him. And that is when I realized that I never crossed her mind the way she did mine.

I take off my glasses and go to sleep.

on loneliness

Recently I have felt just... lonely.

If I had to say when this feeling began, it would be the start of February (when school returned to in-person classes). As I settled into a new rhythm, I realized that it was not going to be like the first term.

I distinctly remember one day in the first week back. I had a break and was walking up to the clubroom, expecting to see someone working away or a group of people goofing off as usual. My heart warmed as I thought about how nice it would be see everyone again. Instead my heart sank as I saw the lights off and the room empty.

Thinking that somebody would come around eventually I sat down and idly did something to pass the time until they did.

Nobody did.

For the rest of the first week back I continued my tradition. Some days there would be people and I had an amazing time. But it was not the same, and I suppose I am the fool for believing it could be.

A sinister thought came to mind. What if they didn't want to be here anymore?

A dangerous thought, to be sure. With this more sinister ideas started popping into my head. They do not like me anymore. They will forget about me.

What scares me about how much I care about this is how little others seem to care about it. It scares me to think that I am the only one who feels this way and it makes me feel vulnerable.

I'm sure I will be fine in the end. My mind probably recalls only the negative feelings and experiences so the many great times I've had this term are not mentioned. I think I just needed to write this out to organize myself. With that said, thank you for reading.