There's so much to tell you

Oh, bolded headings are back...?
Yeah! For the time being at least. As I start typing away for this post, I realize that it will be difficult for you to understand exactly which paragraph falls with what topic and so on. For that reason I figured it's going to be nice to have some order to this chaos. Anyhow, get nice and comfy wherever you are, grab a nice warm drink if you can, and settle down for some time to read Kevin's terrible blog post.

The past
I have definitely covered this whole "identity crisis" on this blog, multiple times in fact, but it really is a prevalent thing that comes up all the time.

Everybody is self-conscious, and that's good! I feel as if I'm more self-conscious than most, and this stems from being teased in elementary school (and even high school) for my clothing and tendencies. It's not a sob story; the whole teasing experience was light and I enjoyed healthy relationships with others and even those who did the teasing. As a result, I put a lot of thought into my appearance and mannerisms, which has made me into a more conscientious person. I think this is one of the best things about me, if not the best (not that there is much, haha, self-deprecating humour).

A few years ago I was a person who was very outgoing and energetic. At some point (I'm not sure when) I shifted my behaviour towards being calm and collected, but in a charismatic and charming way. The reason I wanted to develop these traits was so that I could become my ideal of a good leader. I can't say that it's been a complete success, and for that reason I wonder if it would have been better to stay the way I used to be. I think about other "versions" of me in parallel universes, but ultimately I think it's futile to do so and I try to be happy that I'm me.

The present
Right now I'm... both happy and unhappy with who I am. I'm glad that I'm leading a fulfilling life, and I'm experiencing that "rosy high school life" I always longed for, but at the same time I know that there's something more. Not a better life, but a better me. I don't think the path I'm taking is one I will regret - if anything, it's something that I'm "destined" for. I suppose right now I'm in a bit of a slump or a boring part of my life, kinda like I'm waiting for the next chapter.

Life is good though. I have the privilege of attending a school where I can grow and expand my reach, I work part-time and have indispensable income, I have a loving and supporting family, and I get to share all of this with some awesome people. About two years ago I would have done anything for my current life, and now that I have it, I'm surprised that I don't feel as content as I expected. On the bright side, that means that there's still so much out for me to work towards, even if at the moment I'm not too sure what those things exactly are.

It does feel like there is something missing, and I think that something is a sense of accomplishment or significance. Though I have the opportunity to do this by leaving a legacy and mark on my school as a leader in the community, nothing I have done so far has really met the bar. It's demoralizing, but hopefully with the new year things get better.

The future
I'm always worried about the future. One of the most pressing thoughts is how my financial situation will be, say 10 years down the road. My parents have given me everything - they have dedicated the last 17+ years of their lives to my brother and I. I feel so strongly the need to repay them for their immense dedication, and it's not that I have been pressured by them to do so, it's more so that they deserve it.

With my last chapter of high school quickly coming to an end, the next arc of my life will begin with my adventures in post-secondary. The plan that has always been instilled in me is: high school -> great post-secondary institution -> well-paying career. Naturally I'd like to end up with a job that pays well and that I enjoy, but we can call that an secondary goal. I've never once doubted the integrity of this plan because it is the best way that I can make myself and my parents happy with what I have accomplished.

But really, my end goal is to live in one of those nice modern apartments with my partner and a dog, working a job I enjoy that comes with decent hours and pay, and making sure my parents are proud of what I have done. It might be hard to find an apartment that takes kindly to dogs, but the dog can wait until we get a house and move in and start a cozy little family. It's a nice image isn't it?

The lost ones
It's funny because I briefly touched on this with two of my friends on a walk - how amazing it is that we can share such brief but intimate connections with others. What seems like so many years ago, I used to go my friend's house nearly every day after school, sometimes staying for dinner (a huge thank you to the parents for putting up with me, I'm sorry I intruded so much), and at the very end of it, getting a ride home. We were so close, and now there isn't even a "Hello" in the halls.

It's a sad feeling, amplified because I am the reason why things are this way. Even when the rift is not caused by me, or maybe it's just out of our control, it's still such an immense feeling of sadness. It gnaws you to the bone whenever you think about it, and it will never leave you, for when you share those unique moments with your friends, you create memories that are irreplaceable, for better or worse.

That's not to say it's all wilted flowers and dark skies - I hardly think about the lost ones. Instead, I try to be glad that I had the chance to be something in their life, and I hope that they can remember me as I was in our favourite times together.

This blog
I'm in disbelief that it has actually been over five years since I published my first post! I've been neglecting this blog and not writing many posts or maintaining it, but I think you'll be glad to see the reappearance of a familiar theme and a brand new banner for the holiday season! My intentions were to get this post up by Christmas, but as you can see, it's already two days into 2017. With that, I hope you have all had a good holiday season, and I wish you a belated Happy New Year! Hope you'll continue to check up on this blog throughout the coming year and continue to support me through that way and more.