Last night I sat with A and C in those kinda gross red armchairs on the fourth floor at the back of the AMS Nest, and we talked about a lot of stuff. Most of it was dumb, but somehow we got on the point of high school. Or was it ultimate? Either way, whichever one it wasn't would follow the other in conversation.
Oh I remember now. It was ultimate.
We talked about how it was a fun season (A had played in grade 12 only, C didn't play but came to watch a few times) and various other things about the season. I had the amazing experience of captaining the ultimate team for my senior year, and some of my favourite memories are the post-game spirit circles. A and I reminisced on how I would say the same set of lame jokes every time, and then thank everybody for the game and give out spirit awards.
At this point, A said the spirit circles specifically were some of the happiest moments of her life. I didn't know how to react, but I felt really proud for some reason. I think I thanked her and said that they were definitely some of the happiest times of my life as well, but I don't remember exactly what I said.
Then we started talking about our high school experience and what an awesome senior year we had. Ultimate was a big part of that, but there were also other things - getting to be a part of Students' Council and other groups, some J's, free blocks, the euphoric feeling of getting accepted, and I could go on forever.
It hurts a lot to think that that time was hardly a year ago, because I can say with certainty that those days were the happiest of my life, and what I'm doing right now pales in comparison.
But while that's true, it is only for now. It's important to approach each day with the expectation and conviction that it will be better than the last, and I hope that eventually I will stumble upon those days that I can call the new best of my life. After all, I won't truly know the "best days of my life" until I'm lying in my death bed, ready to move onto the next adventure, and I'd like to think that if I've gotten that far, I've lived a pretty good life.
March 22, 2018
March 20, 2018
Reading
Lately I've been trying to get into reading.
It came sporadically. I'm not even sure why I was at the local library that night, but for whatever reason I was there. About twenty minutes later, I found myself cozied up in one of the armchairs with Blockade Billy by Stephen King in one hand, my face propped up against my other.
There's something incredibly liberating about doing something just for the sake of doing it. When you do something simply because you want to, it clears up the relationship between you and the action. No consequences. No complications. No what ifs.
That night, I didn't think at all about the heaping amounts of work I had waiting for me at home (perhaps that's the reason why I was at the library that night), I didn't think about the thing, I didn't think about anything else except just sitting down and reading. I did it for me, and I did it because I wanted to.
And I had a good time.
I noted the page number I was on and I promptly checked out Blockade Billy.
The air was cold, but I was electric. I don't remember the last time I read, let alone read a book with the pure intent of personal enjoyment.
It's been about three weeks since that night, and I'm currently three quarters through another one of King's works, Firestarter. Most of the time that I spend reading on the bus, but I find that's more than plenty, seeing as my weekdays involve at least two hours of transit time each day.
Time passes by in the blink of an eye when I'm reading on the way to school, and it takes away from the monotony of watching the same scene unfold before my eyes every day. I get so lost in reading that I forget to wake up J until the bus comes to its final stop at UBC. It's like a dream, only everything is much more vivid as the novel plays out in your head. When I stop reading, I feel refreshed, as if I woke up from a really good nap.
I'm a casual, I know, but god I love reading.
March 14, 2018
Little things
Good things that have happened since the last post:
1. Three people on the bus offered to switch seats so that I could sit with my friends after a midterm
2. On my lunch break at work, a woman let me go in front of her in line at T&T because I was only getting one item
3. I've had some really fun and golden moments with the UBC kids from Alpha
4. I finally got over my fever and cough
5. I bought a big ol' whiteboard
6. The Alpha Junior Ultimate team is actually happening!
7. I wrote some stuff at a whiteboard in one of the study rooms at UBC
8. I did pretty well (by my standards) on my physics midterm
Hey all! It looks like I've passed two weeks since the last post, but I'm finally getting one up. It feels like things have gotten better since you heard from me last, so I'm feeling somewhat optimistic looking towards the future, but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up too much. When I try to reason out why, I end up giving up and chalking it off as a mixture of time and me reverting to a sort of floating state.
Today was a nice day. I got to see a lot of different people throughout the day, the weather was pretty good, and I actually got some work done on my comp sci project. Today wasn't a bad day at all.
I've been getting back into playing osu! recently. The technical and challenging aspect of the game helps take my mind off things, and it's something that I can focus and wholeheartedly devote time to. It sounds kinda lame, but it's something that I find enjoyment and satisfaction in.
My mom left for a vacation to China a few days ago, so the house has been feeling more empty than usual. I really hope she has a good time though, since the last time she had a vacation was when my age was still in the single digits. She's gone for quite a while, so the house is left to the mercy of the boys in the family. So far things are still functioning, but we'll see how that goes as the days pass.
I haven't really said anything about this, but in the past month and a bit I've started going to the gym and working out. It's also been another form of escape, and it's a part of the day that I really look forward to. Unfortunately I don't feel motivated enough to go without my friends, and I tend to use their absence as an excuse not to go.
Honestly, I am being melodramatic with the whole sadness thing. I want people to care and give me attention. I think it's important that I realize this so that I can keep moving forward. Everybody has their problems - some have it worse, some don't have it as bad, but it doesn't make your worries any less valid. For the time being my plan is to run away from things.
I don't think these people will ever see this (except P), so I don't feel as embarrassed to write this:
A - you have a great read on the atmosphere of a group and you never fail to make me smile with one of your perfectly timed comments or for playing off one of my dumb jokes
C - every time you see me you say that you missed me and I can't tell you how much that helps to make me feel genuinely wanted and liked when I am with you guys
J - we're always late to places, but I'm so glad that we share so much of the day together - you're a constant that I can always rely on and I hope that we'll both get our gym gains
M - I don't talk to you as much as I do with the others, but I can tell you get along famously with them and that already tells me you're just as cool as them (also thanks for driving me home)
P - the transition to uni hasn't weakened our bond; while we don't see each other as much as we used to, it just makes the time we spend together so much more valuable and I'm glad you're here buddy
S - truth be told, I was really relieved when you said you decided to stay at UBC, I couldn't imagine a campus without your memes, spilled iced capps, and room X337 (plus bless your soul for Spotify)
S - I'm glad that I met you through the others; you're usually studying hard with J and M when I see you and I know they have a good study pal, looking forward to getting to know you better
Nearly all of these people are already in a established group from high school, so it always feels as if I am intruding. It's been difficult to think otherwise, but I hope that as time passes by I can settle in more. I don't think I'll ever reach the dynamic that you share with each other, but that's not your fault. It's probably me, as I have trouble fully opening up to others and letting my walls down (wow how edgy).
Wow this has been a long post, but I feel as if a weight as been lifted (jesus how cliche can I get) off my chest. I'm glad that I took the time to write it all out, and hopefully I'll learn from this to do so more frequently. With that, I bid you farewell and good luck with whatever you need it on.
1. Three people on the bus offered to switch seats so that I could sit with my friends after a midterm
2. On my lunch break at work, a woman let me go in front of her in line at T&T because I was only getting one item
3. I've had some really fun and golden moments with the UBC kids from Alpha
4. I finally got over my fever and cough
5. I bought a big ol' whiteboard
6. The Alpha Junior Ultimate team is actually happening!
7. I wrote some stuff at a whiteboard in one of the study rooms at UBC
8. I did pretty well (by my standards) on my physics midterm
Hey all! It looks like I've passed two weeks since the last post, but I'm finally getting one up. It feels like things have gotten better since you heard from me last, so I'm feeling somewhat optimistic looking towards the future, but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up too much. When I try to reason out why, I end up giving up and chalking it off as a mixture of time and me reverting to a sort of floating state.
Today was a nice day. I got to see a lot of different people throughout the day, the weather was pretty good, and I actually got some work done on my comp sci project. Today wasn't a bad day at all.
I've been getting back into playing osu! recently. The technical and challenging aspect of the game helps take my mind off things, and it's something that I can focus and wholeheartedly devote time to. It sounds kinda lame, but it's something that I find enjoyment and satisfaction in.
My mom left for a vacation to China a few days ago, so the house has been feeling more empty than usual. I really hope she has a good time though, since the last time she had a vacation was when my age was still in the single digits. She's gone for quite a while, so the house is left to the mercy of the boys in the family. So far things are still functioning, but we'll see how that goes as the days pass.
I haven't really said anything about this, but in the past month and a bit I've started going to the gym and working out. It's also been another form of escape, and it's a part of the day that I really look forward to. Unfortunately I don't feel motivated enough to go without my friends, and I tend to use their absence as an excuse not to go.
Honestly, I am being melodramatic with the whole sadness thing. I want people to care and give me attention. I think it's important that I realize this so that I can keep moving forward. Everybody has their problems - some have it worse, some don't have it as bad, but it doesn't make your worries any less valid. For the time being my plan is to run away from things.
I don't think these people will ever see this (except P), so I don't feel as embarrassed to write this:
A - you have a great read on the atmosphere of a group and you never fail to make me smile with one of your perfectly timed comments or for playing off one of my dumb jokes
C - every time you see me you say that you missed me and I can't tell you how much that helps to make me feel genuinely wanted and liked when I am with you guys
J - we're always late to places, but I'm so glad that we share so much of the day together - you're a constant that I can always rely on and I hope that we'll both get our gym gains
M - I don't talk to you as much as I do with the others, but I can tell you get along famously with them and that already tells me you're just as cool as them (also thanks for driving me home)
P - the transition to uni hasn't weakened our bond; while we don't see each other as much as we used to, it just makes the time we spend together so much more valuable and I'm glad you're here buddy
S - truth be told, I was really relieved when you said you decided to stay at UBC, I couldn't imagine a campus without your memes, spilled iced capps, and room X337 (plus bless your soul for Spotify)
S - I'm glad that I met you through the others; you're usually studying hard with J and M when I see you and I know they have a good study pal, looking forward to getting to know you better
Nearly all of these people are already in a established group from high school, so it always feels as if I am intruding. It's been difficult to think otherwise, but I hope that as time passes by I can settle in more. I don't think I'll ever reach the dynamic that you share with each other, but that's not your fault. It's probably me, as I have trouble fully opening up to others and letting my walls down (wow how edgy).
Wow this has been a long post, but I feel as if a weight as been lifted (jesus how cliche can I get) off my chest. I'm glad that I took the time to write it all out, and hopefully I'll learn from this to do so more frequently. With that, I bid you farewell and good luck with whatever you need it on.
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