why

you don't care you don't care at all why would you do something like this it's not even your fault it's my fault it's all my fault i deserve this i deserve this i deserve this why didn't you respond i need something i want to feel something why am i writing this i just want it to stop and i want to feel okay again is that too much to ask for i thought after all this time at least i could ask that of you i did to be honest, but there goes kevin again ruining everything it's all his fault everything is my fault everything everything everything i feel and i feel nothing all my fault it's so messy i don't know what to do i don't know how to feel am i even allowed to feel happy if i am then why do i feel so sad when i get happy is it because i want my happiness to come from you sometimes too i just want it to stop everything everything stop myself stop everything i want to lose myself in something i want to feel something i want to stop saying the same things over and over again i wish that i would just grow up cause it's just heartbreak right it'll pass with time right and then hopefully i can look back this and cringe at how disgusting filthy sad pathetic and disgraceful i am then i will delete this post and this will never have happened it will be just like it never happened right then i will be okay this is for your eyes only okay make sure you don't show anybody else and if anybody else asks i'm okay right

i saw sparks
singing like la la la la la la
la la la la la la
la la la la la la
la la la la la la

1

"Excuse me, do you have any other yellow shirts?"

I turn around and find the source: an elderly woman holding two yellow shirts in her hand. She speaks slowly and in broken English, but the effort doesn't go wasted on me. I smile - a big and genuine smile, probably my best one that day. The lady in front of me reminded me of my grandma, and I admired the sincerity in her voice.

"Yeah, we have some right over here," I say, walking over to shelves on the wall. There were a few yellow shirts scattered around, but she had about half the options in her hand already. She smiles and thanks me before asking whether they were for boys or girls.

I pull out the tag from one of the shirts and double check.

"This one is for girls, but to be honest boys can also wear this."

The woman smiles and thanks me once again before saying, "I am getting these for sports day, and they need yellow shirts, one boy one girl."

My heart swells and takes me back to those warm and carefree sports days of my youth. The scent of wet cement in the summer heat, the excitement in the air, the promise of a day filled with fun, all the feelings come back for one brief second. Then I snap out of it and I'm back at the store and I say something in response.

What a nice grandmother.

She thanks me profusely once again, and I watch as she walks over to the cash register and makes her purchase.

Final Thoughts: Anime of Winter 2018

- WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS -

Well, it's finally here, more than half a season late but still here.

MyAnimeList
First Impressions: Anime of Winter 2018

Gotta go fast:
Citrus
Darling in the FranXX
Karakai Jouzu no Takagi-san
Koi wa Ameagari no You ni
Violet Evergarden
Yuru Camp

Citrus
Score: 7.3/10.0
One Sentence: Despite Citrus being just as confused as I was at times, it has its redeemable elements.

I remember being worried that the main selling point of Citrus would be the yuri, instead of the struggles of breaking the social norm of heterosexual couples, and I’m glad to say that my worries were eased as the anime continued. I’d go as far as to say that Citrus had the right idea with where it wanted to go, but muddles its message to viewers through poor character rationale and events that were far too melodramatic.

The issue of the characters not being believable was also voiced when I talked about my first impressions of the show. It seems as if the characters are unable to give a second thought to any action, and doing so leads to misunderstandings, which tended to be the sole source of conflict in the anime. I could not wrap my head around why, therefore I lost interest in the what. Granted, it can be said that they are all young, naive, and unable/unwilling to self-reflect, but it negatively affected my personal viewing of Citrus.

Despite these shortcomings, there is actually observable character development in Mei and Yuzu by the end of the anime. Mei has a far more complex and “real” understanding of love and affection, and Yuzu learns how to accommodate somebody who she loves through her own sacrifices. Nearly all of the show is Yuzu going to drastic lengths to reach Mei, which helps Mei realize that Yuzu’s feelings are the real dealio.

Citrus is a poorly constructed story about two girls struggling to understand love, but it manages to push through a message about perseverance, growing up, and love (even though it may be difficult to understand exactly what about).

Jk it’s alright xd

Best: Harumin for being the only level-headed person in the whole show


Darling in the FranXX (ongoing, 18/24)
Score: 8.2/10.0
One Sentence: A show with very high highs and the rare kinda low, which makes for a rollercoaster of a show.

Darling in the FranXX makes a good fight for anime of the season with its high intensity and story that keeps you on the edge of your seat. Around episode 6/7 I was feeling a little apprehensive about the direction the show was going in - there wasn’t really a clear conflict or anything, it was a weird middle ground. But soon the fire was turned up and now we’re in for one of the wildest rides ever.
What I really like about Darling in the FranXX is how free and far it is willing to go to create an interesting and unique viewing experience. The world building has been one of my favourite aspects, with the over-the-top klaxosaurs, the adults, and the various mysteries and holes left unfilled. Everything that is introduced to Darling in the FranXX adds even more gaps in our knowledge, but enough is given so that it doesn’t feel confusing and aimlessly complicated. The anime’s story has been the most intriguing for me this season, coupled with its unabashed tackling of topics like love and death.

Another element of Darling in the FranXX that I find particularly well done is the character design. The large majority of the characters have interesting and deep schemas and there’s some really great chemistry/interactions between them. Each character has their own place in grand picture of it all, and no person is insignificant.

The art is as you’d expect of a collaboration between A1 and Trigger, it’s like your basic chino-and-flannel-wearing friend suddenly decided to adopt a honey badger and after the apartment takes on the strain of supporting that thing, it is called Darling in the FranXX. Basically it’s the unique awesomeness of Trigger tamed by the simple and conservative A1 style. You can really see the respective strengths of each studio shine in separate scenes: action is wonderfully portrayed by the fast and hard hitting Trigger and two minutes later we are given a A1 classic cherry-blossoms-blowing-in-the-wind scene.

Not to mention the soundtrack is full of emotion and has great direction, making a better pair with the anime than your socks. It’s a good watch my dudes.

Best: Ichigo has GOTTA ichiGOOOOOO cause Zero Two best girl


Karakai Jouzu no Takagi-san
Score: 7.8/10.0
One Sentence: Slow paced and for those who don’t care much for an anime with significant plot movement (so basically any romance anime out there).

Karakai Jouzu no Takagi-san is a mixed bag for me, but there are more good marbles than bad. Actually, there’s nothing inherently bad about the anime - it’s more so how slow and repetitive it may seem at times. In their most basic forms, all the plot events revolve around Nishikata failing to get revenge on Takagi’s pranks and teasing. However it is unfair of me to say that all the events are the same, because the core purpose of the show is to show the budding romance between two classmates, and obviously the way to do that is through these kind of events.

But for those who like to simmer and watch progression between young love, there are some really charming and heart-warming moments in Karakai Jouzu no Takagi-san. For all the time that it does take, the anime does a great job of working the development and changes in the characters of Takagi and Nishikata. By the end of it all their feelings for each other are evident and realized, and it’s a feels good moment.

The anime can get a bit boring for those who like a bit more spice in their experience, so I would say that Karakai Jouzu no Takagi-san is definitely not for everybody. I found myself putting off episodes and pushing them back week by week, and only appreciated everything when it came to an end.

Best: Takagi


Koi wa Ameagari no You ni
Score: 7.3/10.0
One Sentence: After the Rain is yet another show that seems to be confused about itself, jumping from subplot to subplot, never settling them in a satisfying manner or at all.

I’ll start off by saying I did not like After the Rain much in its first few episodes. I thought the romance was completely wack (I’m pretty sure it’s illegal as well) and while it eventually had a good reason for existing, it still leaves a bad taste behind. Though I got over this, there is an even larger problem with the anime, in its direction of plot. The story has the control of a puppy in a ball pit.

There are loads of underlying stories that are touched upon, but never revisited/concluded in the anime. Often this leads to huge plot holes that takes away from what little realism the anime has, and detracts from the overall viewing experience. The largest offender of this “touch and go” habit is the interaction between Tachibana and Kase; Kase makes a huge deal in blackmailing Tachibana with the knowledge that she has feelings for her manager, eventually forcing her on a date with him. She walks out on the date and then gets a phone call from the manager and is cornered by Kase, but then it’s suddenly dropped and we literally never see Kase again.

The show ends pretty nicely, and we can see the development in not only Tachibana, but some of the other characters as well. I’m glad that a full romance between Tachibana and her manager didn’t come and instead they both grow from the experience. Even though this is true, I don’t think it makes up for how disjointed and boring After the Rain was for the majority of its run.

Best: Nishida, I don’t like anybody else


Violet Evergarden
Score: 8.1/10.0
One Sentence: Some weird pacing in the last half of Violet Evergarden, but still shows up with its superior animation quality and complex characters.

In all truth, I did not expect Violet Evergarden to end up the way that it did. I thought it would have much more emphasis on the actual wartime events, but in retrospect I am glad that the anime went in the direction that it did. Violet Evergarden excels and is heads above the competition in terms of animation/art and character design and interactions, however falls short with awkward pacing and story events.

Let’s get the nitty gritty out of the way before we talk about the really good stuff. Generally speaking, the story is cohesive and effectively displays Violet’s growth as a character, from emotionally detached and socially inept to vibrant and caring. In particular I give kudos to the arc in which Violet helps various clients as a ghost writer (which gives off The Five People You Meet in Heaven vibes). These interactions were incredibly moving and invoked feelings from the viewer through masterful direction and clever execution of various cliches. However Violet Evergarden falls short when it comes to action scenes and their respective executions.

To begin, these mini-arcs feel out of place, in particular the one where Violet flies off to Ctrigal (spontaneously by the way) to fulfill a ghost writing request from a soldier on the front lines of a losing battle. We just finished off a great arc with Anne and her terminally ill mother, and suddenly Violet is out beating up a bunch of soldiers. The abrupt change in the air of the show is, for lack of a better word, wack. This sudden shift in tone and theme is also present in the Dietfried arc, where there’s a bunch of fighting on a train and for some reason Benedict has superhuman agility (though to be fair, this part of Violet Evergarden effectively resolves the conflict between Violet and Dietfried).

Now for the good parts. I think everyone can see that Violet Evergarden is head and shoulders above your average anime in terms of its visuals. The art style is vibrant and crisp, and the colour and tones are superb. Violet Evergarden is complete eye candy and, in my opinion, is some of the best work that KyoAni has put out.

Violet Evergarden also had some of my favourite characters this season, thanks to their depth, relatability, and personal stories. Violet is burdened with her past and must face it in order to move on in becoming a normal and functioning member of society. At times her tragic past is oversold and takes away from the effect, but for the most part it is done well. We are given hints to the internal monologue of all the characters through subtle but detailed facial and body expressions, which helps further our understanding and connection with the characters as they are put through their own trials.

Overall, Violet Evergarden took a bit of a different direction than what I had first anticipated, but sure proved me wrong as its complexity of characters and great mini-arcs made it an anime to look forward to every week.

Best: VIOOOOLET


Yuru Camp
Score: 8.2/10.0
One Sentence: I said it before and I’ll say it again: Yuru Camp is just a feels good anime about a bunch of girls bonding and discovering new things over camping.

Sometimes things are are best when simple, and anime isn’t an exception. There is no pointless drama or overly contrived plot progression to hinder what makes Yuru Camp a very solid anime.

There isn’t a whole lot in Yuru Camp for you if you’re looking for something profound or touching, something that leaves you breathless as the last episodes fades to black and you’re left staring at yourself wondering what happened. Instead what you receive is consistent quality in each episode that comes.

One thing that is absolutely on point is the animation/art and sound. The atmosphere and direction were amazing, brought by well-drawn landscapes and perfect accompanying music. When the girls visited new campsites and found breathtaking views or little landmarks, it felt like a little part of me was there. Yuru Camp does a great job of setting a calm and surreal mood for the viewer.

Each episode of Yuru Camp outlines the girls’ discoveries and fun memories had while camping, adding to a storyline that doesn’t progress a tremendous amount but is still linear (ie. not 4koma, though it may feel like it at times). In regard to the Yuru Camp characters, they are much like the show - simple and reliable. They don’t go through much change (the most significant being Rin’s epiphany that camping can be fun with others) and don’t have much depth to them.

While I have gone on about how great it is that Yuru Camp provides a completely pure viewing experience, it is a double-edged sword. Due to the simplicity of Yuru Camp, it is difficult for me to give it those points for going the extra distance, for making me feel something stronger than contentedness; its simplicity is what separates it from the best. Elements such as complex characters (who are arguably more interesting), significant story events, and actual conflicts are missing, and I consider those necessary to take an anime to the top.

With that said, Yuru Camp is not a bad anime at all, it was one of my favourites this season. If you’re looking for something to relax to after a long day of school/work and you don’t want to think too much, look no further than Yuru Camp, it’ll be worth it.

Best: Rin is best

work2

may 7

I'm a bit late, but I manage to clock in just five minutes after 1:00 pm. There's just a small wave of us starting at this time, but we get the team meeting underway. On the way there I hear the word "closing" get tossed around the air, and I quickly worry that I've got the wrong group and this group is ending their shift. I catch up to a girl in front of me and I ask her,

"This is the opening shift right?"

Now you see, the opening shift is the one that starts at 7:30 am or whatever ungodly hour they assign, but I'm trying to confirm that the group I'm with is the one that starts at 1:00 pm. The way I word it makes it sound like I'm asking if we're the 7:30 am group.

She looks at me a bit weird and smiles and I trip over my words as if I'm falling down a flight of stairs. After it all I finally manage to ask, "This is the group that starts at 1:00 pm right?" to which she confirms. She beams at me and gives me a few pats on the back while saying, "You okay buddy?"

After going over some numbers and stuff, we're dismissed and I head off to my first assigned location at the fitting rooms.

When I walk in I recognize one of the people there (though I can't remember her name) and smile and say good morning. She (not the same one from the morning) takes in my outfit for the day and nods while saying,

"You look better with glasses."

This morning I was putting together my work attire and I felt that my face was too... vulnerable or something. I put on my glasses (which I usually keep off when I work) and it put together the outfit so I went with it. Anyways back to work.

For a moment I'm taken aback, but I recover and joke about how it hides my ugliness or something dumb like that. Banter from the staff at fitting rooms flies across the small and confined front desk space, and when it clears the girl says,

"You look better because it hides how tired you always look,"

Later in the day I'm on the registers, and as I'm getting ready to go on my break, I realize I lost one of my pens. Fortunately I keep an extra around, but it still sucks to lose a pen you like (pro-tip: don't bring your favourite pen to work ever). I remember that the staff on the register next to mine picked up the exact same pen I had (the basic Muji transparent one) before going on break, and I thought about asking if that was my pen.

It'd sound accusing, and not worth a positive relationship for a dollar, I thought.

During break I find the pen in my breast pocket, and I'm glad I didn't ask.

work

may 6

It wasn't an overstatement to say that she was on my mind pretty much the entire day. When I wasn't pulled away by a customer or listening to my next task, my mind automatically wandered to her. It's difficult to break out of a habit that you've had for a while.

Like for christ's sake, I would look at a piece of clothing and think she'd look nice in that. I remember seeing a Snapchat story of her, with one of her guy friends jokingly force feeding her or something like that, and my heart fills with pain and jealousy.

god it fills up and everything is so dark why isn't that me what did i do what did i do why why why how can she have so much fun while i'm suffering why why i'm not even suffering i don't even have it bad look at the people who end up cutting themselves look at people who kill themselves i don't even have it half bad my dudes i'm just jealous i'm just jealous i just need something something in life why am i so jealous i don't deserve to feel jealous she's not mine anymore so i can't say anything i won't say anything i won't do anything even though i need to do something

Usually work is an escape for me, but it felt like a trap. For the whole morning and partway into the afternoon I thought I wouldn't mind dying right now, as long as nobody knows who I am.

For a part of my shift I was assigned to the women's active wear section, which shared a shelf with the women's bottoms area. I shuffled around gloomily, putting on that fake fake fake and terrible smile whenever a customer popped into my view. I remember stopping at a mirror and giving myself a halfhearted smile.

Pathetic. My "smile" sucks.

I looked to my right, into the women's bottoms section, and my heart stopped.

K _ _ _ _ _ ?

For a second I lost myself completely, then I looked closer and breathed out relief. It wasn't her. She looked pretty much like her, even though I haven't seen her since grade 7. K was my second "relationship," if you count a relationship as being two kids saying they like like each other.

If it actually were K, I wonder what I would have said. Maybe I would have tried hiding.

She had the same face and blonde hair, and K would have been this tall by now, so you can't blame me for mistaking her for K. The K lookalike was browsing through our selection of extra stretch jeans, putting down and picking up a pair every minute or so.

.

A few minutes later I heard my grandma's voice. I snapped my head in the direction that the voice came from, but I couldn't find anything, and the voice was gone as quickly as my mind rationalizing that she couldn't be here. It's been like 4 years right?

I wonder if she would be proud of me. She would have gone to my graduation, she would have been there to hear that I had been accepted to UBC. I really really didn't appreciate her at all. I was a spoiled and naive kid.

I'd like to think I'd treat her much better and much more lovingly now than before. Even though I came to the realization that adults have it tough, I haven't been able to do anything for my parents. I think at the very least I would have looked out for her more.

.

When I was working cash later in the day a dude with a really cool accent came by. Not cool in the sense that it's super unique or anything, it sounded Australian and he kept on adding "mate" and "cheers" and stuff like that to his sentences. I've always liked how familial and cheery those words made sentences, but I feel like they wouldn't fit my speaking style.

Another day of work coming today. Maybe I'll write another post on it!