sometimes

sometimes there is a profound loneliness that sweeps over my body
when the screams of "bye! bye kevin!" fade away as the cousin i just finished babysitting leaves,
or when the tail of my brother's coat slips through the doorway,
maybe when my mother leaves for work, leaving the door for me to lock,
or after my father says "goodbye buddy!" and the door lock clicking seconds after

sometimes it doesn't sting as much - the sudden quietness of the house,
i put water to boil on the kettle (stay hydrated kids),
queue up some music so it's not so empty,
sit down and get comfy at the computer,
and find something to do until somebody comes home

sometimes i'm still a scared little boy,
the monsters come out of hiding, the shadows begin moving,
the creak of the floorboards are eerie, instead of charming,
the sounds that used to make home home disappear,
i can imagine just how she'd just say, "you're a scaredy cat, but you're my scaredy cat"

sometimes my heart still lunges when that door closes -
i think something went wrong in the rewiring of my brain
because the thought empty house still leads to
i can ask her if she wants to come hang out,
even though it's been more than a year since we properly talked

sometimes i wonder if i'll get to that point,
a point where i don't immediately get lonely when i'm alone,
a point where i can value time spent by myself,
a point where i am not scared,
a point where i have another person to ask wanna come over?

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alltimes, thanks for reading