run #1

For the past month or so I've been seeing someone, and two days ago she broke up with me. As far as breakups go, it was pretty alright. We talked about everything and (hopefully) said everything we had to say.

Yesterday I had some high school friends over for board games night.

Today I went for a run, the first of many to come.

We always talked about going on runs together (she's athletic and works out often), but we opted instead for mornings spent together making pancakes and evenings lounging on the couch watching Netflix. While watching we'd snack on something, Doritos or ice cream or whatever.

As I was running this morning, I thought about this.

I looked for some beautiful message, some irony. It was ironic that I only felt compelled to run after we had broken up. It was poetic that I was running off the Doritos and ice cream and whatever, a symbol of our relationship. It was an angry message - "I don't need you, I'll make you regret that you broke up with me."

But instead I felt nothing.

I thought about us. I thought about the comfort I felt and how I would never get to experience it with her again. I thought about how we'll never finish This is Us or the second season of The End of the F***ing World. No more Black Mirror. No more snack time, pancake burning, fried rice, ultimate playing, frustrating over her APSC lab, going "yuck" at the full compost, early mornings, late nights, "Hey Google, turn off the lights", fighting for the blanket, "good morning", "good night", and "good bye".

But the nice thing about running is that if you run hard, hard enough that you can't even breathe, everything kinda slips away. You still think it, but it doesn't sting as much, because you've got something else to worry about.

It's weird how everything that I do now has a renewed purpose to it. Everything is clear - I need to eat breakfast, I need to do this so that I feel happy, I need to do... whatever it is I need to do.

Each step is a step forward for me. Today I ran a total of 3.2 km, taking breaks at 1.6 km and 2.4 km. I'm not sure how many kilometers it will take for me to finish this run, but I know that I get stronger with each step and day. When I took a break at 2.4km, I thought, "I'm worthless, I'm weak, I can't even run any more, MOVE LEGS," but I realized that I can't run it all in one go.

I need breaks. I need water. I can walk and chill for a bit, admire the scenery. Even if I run in the other direction, it's still steps, and I'l learn from my missteps. I'll take my time, but I'll also run.

See you on the next run.