glasses

The ocean opens itself to us, painting a picturesque setting as the sun sets. We take a moment to grasp the sheer awe of it.

She turns to me and says, "Want to find somewhere to sit?"

Ah. I can see why they call it Golden Hour. It's as if the world decided that the last bit of sunlight should be used on her.

"Yeah let's find a log."

We seat ourselves on a sturdy looking log, away from the other beachgoers. For a minute it is only the sunset on the horizon, the sand and log on the beach, and ourselves.

She takes a big stretch and looks satisfied with it before finally speaking. "Do you know why I asked you to come with me today?"

My heartbeat shoots through the roof. Holy shit. This is it. It's finally happening.

"No not really, what's up?" I lie, trying to not let my excitement show through the cracks.

She laughs and says, "Wow you really didn't pick up? So you also don't know why we went to the cafe to study, IKEA shopping last weekend, and the movie the other day?"

"No actually. Though I'm curious now since you say there's a reason." This was only half a lie. I genuinely didn't know that those outings were because she was interested. I thought she just needed to get things done and didn't want to do them alone.

"Okay I guess I really just have to tell you straight up then."

"Please do."

She faces me and takes a deep breath to prepare herself. A moment passes and I think back to everything that led to where we are now.

At first it was just a simple "hey good game tonight! thanks for teaching me a lot even though I was really bad :')" after our intramural volleyball game. Then it became a back and forth of messaging each other our attempts at the daily Wordle. Then whenever she needed to do some errand or task she would always invite me out. It was the love story that I had been missing out on my entire undergrad.

"I really like your friend."

What did she just say? I don't understand. I don't get it. But I have to answer I have to say something.

"Oh! Yeah, it makes sense looking back at it." And that was the second biggest lie I told myself.

"Right? And thank you so much for being there when we did everything, the cafe, IKEA, the movie. I would've been way too nervous if it were just him and I."

Right. So the reason she was so comfortable with me and so cold to him was because she literally liked him too much to act normally.

"Hey I'm glad that I could be there for you."

She leans in to hug me and says, "Thank you, you don't know how much this means to me. I know I've got this with your support."

She breaks off the hug and she and I sit there until the sun finishes setting. She talks about how much better she feels now that she's told me and knows she has somebody to help her. She talks about all the good things about my friend, and I sit there and agree.

Eventually she and I leave that log on the beach. The beach, once brilliantly golden, is now cold and sullen. She and I make our way to the bus stop to go home, where she gives me one last hug.

"Thanks again, I'll see you soon!" she says as she steps onto the bus and away from me. It's a short walk home but I make it long. I make cup noodles, watch some YouTube, and get ready for bed.

As I lay in bed I think, "How could I have been so wrong?" For all the nights I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of her, she was thinking of him. And that is when I realized that I never crossed her mind the way she did mine.

I take off my glasses and go to sleep.

on loneliness

Recently I have felt just... lonely.

If I had to say when this feeling began, it would be the start of February (when school returned to in-person classes). As I settled into a new rhythm, I realized that it was not going to be like the first term.

I distinctly remember one day in the first week back. I had a break and was walking up to the clubroom, expecting to see someone working away or a group of people goofing off as usual. My heart warmed as I thought about how nice it would be see everyone again. Instead my heart sank as I saw the lights off and the room empty.

Thinking that somebody would come around eventually I sat down and idly did something to pass the time until they did.

Nobody did.

For the rest of the first week back I continued my tradition. Some days there would be people and I had an amazing time. But it was not the same, and I suppose I am the fool for believing it could be.

A sinister thought came to mind. What if they didn't want to be here anymore?

A dangerous thought, to be sure. With this more sinister ideas started popping into my head. They do not like me anymore. They will forget about me.

What scares me about how much I care about this is how little others seem to care about it. It scares me to think that I am the only one who feels this way and it makes me feel vulnerable.

I'm sure I will be fine in the end. My mind probably recalls only the negative feelings and experiences so the many great times I've had this term are not mentioned. I think I just needed to write this out to organize myself. With that said, thank you for reading.

thoughts going into the last 4 months of uni

A snapshot

And just like that, the last four months of my university experience are here. Though I am not quite yet at the finish line, I want to take some time to reflect on the past five years of my life and prospect the next year or so.

Given that everything goes according to plan, I will graduate this May with a degree in Computer Science. After a three month period of job searching that started last September, I accepted a role as software engineer for a startup in San Francisco. I am surrounded by empathetic, passionate, and sincere friends, and I have experienced nearly everything I wanted to in university. I failed a course, struggled with identity, joined clubs I love, rode the bus home with friends, flew across the country to work, played intramural sports, made friends, lost friends, crammed for exams, had dinners on campus, learned about anime and manga for a class, and even started a band. So much happened in these five years, and while I will encounter similar experiences throughout the rest of my life, I will never experience this again.

All these moments make up a large part of who I am today. Without a doubt I am a much different person than when I started university. Five years ago, I had no idea what the future held in store for me. Five years later, I am in the same position. The difference is that I feel more equipped to take on the next five years, and these five years are more prone to change, which excites and frightens me. Who knows, maybe after a few years I end up working in another city or move back home.

There are many feelings that come into the mix when I think about this “transition point” of my life. I’m happy that I made it to this point and I’m proud of the person that I’ve become. Inevitably there are moments that I regret and wish I could do over, but my character is one who went through those. Accepting that we can’t go back and “fix” things is accepting who you are.

This has been more a blurb on thoughts that have recently taken up head space, so while it may lack cohesion it is also a part of the struggle to put my feelings to words. With that said, thanks for reading and I’ll see you again soon :)

Fulfillment

A clumsy but accurate summation of my final year in university can be made in one word: fulfilling. I am barely 3 months into this school year and it is as if a lifetime has passed. I have started thinking about what makes this year different from the previous 4. Normally I avoid dissecting my happiness in fear of destroying its source, but I am confident in its current presence.

I have stumbled into a core group of friends that I see nearly everyday. Often in friend groups I am afraid my position is temporary, but I have only felt continual growth and deepening in our friendships. Like the facets on a jewel, I discover new sides of each person and cherish each one as I have. The best friend groups form organically, like molecules colliding perfectly to create a reaction. I am eternally grateful to have been there at the right time. This year I feel as though I have found my stride. While my future after graduation is still up in the air, it feels in reach. There is an unmeasurable difference between confidence and helplessness in the face of uncertainty. As someone who used to believe the "important" things were out of their control, this means an incredible amount. I find I am more receptive of new experiences and people, and that has made every day special. Within the nwPlus team I have tried extending my role. Though my official title is as Development Director, I am also doing my best to be a culture leader. My first year with the nwPlus team was unforgettable, largely in part to the senior members. This year I want to give back what I received two years ago. The result is an incredible team culture and many new experiences with new people. The thesis of my undergraduate degree is being built upon my very own eyes. In approximately 5 months the curtains will draw on my university experience. That being said, if the first 3 months were any indication, I am sure the next 5 will be even more vivid and fulfilling.

the return

It's been a minute hasn't it?

Enough significant events have happened to my personal life and to the world that I'll never be able to write about them all here. I don't have the tact or the social awareness to cover global topics properly, so I'll leave that to the professionals and write on what I can: myself.

To put it briefly, since the last time I posted:

• the world was hit with the COVID-19 pandemic
• my first co-op with Vidyard went remote and was extended for 4 months
• I went back to Vancouver mid-pandemic to complete my co-op term
• I took up another co-op term with Opencare in September
• my hair grew significantly longer

There are multiple draft posts that I'm looking to revive, so expect some nwHacks 2020 and SAD content soon! I'm excited to take up blogging once more, as I've felt my creativity and writing skills have deteriorated over the past year.

Last week I completed the last day to my year of co-op work, and classes don't begin for a while so I'll also try to put a fresh coat of paint on the blog in the downtime. Look forward to it, and you will hear from me soon!