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I've always felt a little bit mediocre in comparison to those around me. Growing up, my biggest role models were two cousins on my mom's side. They were, and are, pretty much siblings to me, only without all the fighting and immaturity. Now that I'm finally in university, I realize truly how successful and driven they are. In extension, I pale in comparison.

At times I wonder if it's me, or if it's the generation I was born in as a whole. Where did my satisfaction with mediocrity come from? It's incorrect to blame others for my own downfalls though.

The past week or so has been particularly difficult for me, from an emotional and mental standpoint. I had tricked myself into believing that things were getting better, but suddenly one morning it was much more difficult to get out of bed. It was as if some switch inside of me had flipped and I lost all the strength I had been building up.

I thought it'd be a one-and-done thing, but if it was I wouldn't be talking about this

Some days I just want to quit and give up. I want to lie in bed and be by myself, but I don't really want to be by myself. But I know my parents would ask why. I know my friends would as well. I'm not sure if I'm doing this whole uni thing for myself at all anymore. I feel like I'd be useless if I can't do this, not to mention the fact that my parents have always dreamed of me going to someplace like UBC.

But when faced with the alternative of full-time work, neither options seem particularly appealing.

I hung out with two friends that I know through Philman, and we briefly touched on my problems in a small and dark cake shop late at night. It felt surreal, but one thing that they both said was that girls like it when the guy is driven and motivated, because it inspires them as well.

Sorry this post is a mess.