an update

I don't like nor do I understand why everything is about her. Maybe this is a side effect of devoting everything to her for the last two years. I didn't realize it, but I let her define me, I let all the good and bad times make up the core of my being, because like any teenager blinded by love, I thought, no I knew we had the real deal.

I threw myself completely at us, and I'd like to think that I loved more than a lifetime's worth while us existed (though I'm sure anybody who's come out on the other side of this will think me a fool for saying this). But I think that's the type of person I am - I loved fully and completely.

Yesterday I went through a bright orange box filled with us, as my wonderfully tragic Spotify playlist "it's you, not me" sung in the background. The rest is history. I'm not yet sure if this was a mistake, but I think I gained something from doing so.

I wish I could understand and dissect where it all went wrong. I wish that we had worked it out, somehow, like we always promised to. More than anything, I wish I could "right" those wrongs, even if there isn't any clear way to do it. I live with the guilt of ruining not only myself, but something for her. I wonder how she's doing, if she's holding up fine. It makes me upset to think that she's doing okay, because I'm not.

I want something genuine. I want to go to Japan. We talked about going there someday, so I've got it set in my mind that if I can make it there it'll be a large step in some direction for me (I'm not sure what direction though).

Sorry I don't like what I'm writing anymore. Until next time.