more thank yous

To my Vancouver Ultimate League (VUL) team,

Thank you so much for being such an integral and exciting part of my summer. Playing ultimate with all of you has done wonders for my health in general, and I learned so much about the game and myself. Everybody inspired me to do my best on and off the field and I know I've made some truly amazing connections this summer.

You are all some of the coolest and interesting people I have ever met, and all of you are really good at ultimate. I won't forget the evenings spent at some random park in Vancouver and the post-game dinners that usually followed.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I hope we will all play again this fall season or next summer season! Congratulations to all of us for somehow winning our division!

Love,
Kevin

=====

While I was working last Saturday, a woman approached me asking if we still had any of the Jump 50th Anniversary t-shirts left. Funnily enough she found me in the exact location they were located and she showed me some designs that her son had sent to her phone. I helped her find several in medium and as I browsed through piles of shirts looking for sizes she told me a bit about why she was buying them. She said that her son is really into anime and that recently he's swapped his favourite from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure to Boku no Hero Academia. After saying this she asks me if I watch any anime, to which I responded with the white lie, "Yeah, a little bit."

The woman asks me if I have any favourites myself and to be honest, I couldn't think of any so I told her that it changes from season to season. She talks about how she wants to get involved with what her kids are interested and that line really resonated with me. I thought about saying something like, "I wish my parents were like that," but I don't think I'd want to change anything about my parents. I was just really happy that she was genuinely invested and supportive of what her kids enjoyed, especially when it's something "unorthodox" like anime.

So thank you, random mom at UNIQLO.

=====

Quick post tonight as I just wanted to get these experiences off my chest and onto the page. Thank you for reading, and you will hear from me next post!

tonight

i don't want to catch feelings i don't think i'm ready

but i feel and i'm so happy that i do

though it means that i'm moving on, i gave up

gave up on us even though she had long ago

i finally caught up

save me

flipping through the yearbook my fingers can't help but to just

... - take a look, one peek is all

ah

i

should not have

peeked

i stare at a small rectangle on the page

memories flood and drown my mind

i can't breathe

help

even though i manage to pry my eyes away

they devour the remaining contents of the book

imagine if one single second

every feeling just coursed through your body and you felt everything

one

more

time

i huff in the fumes of my rosy high school life

i wish i could go back

papers lie strewn around my room

to the left,

A L P H A S E C O N D A R Y S C H O O L

Students' Council

President

----- ... -----

K E V I N

Z O U

2016 - 2017

an empty take out box,

tax papers narrowly avoiding the wheel of my chair,

the folding chair i made in grade 8,

feelings lost in the air

i scramble to get them but they slip away at my fingertips

my heart cries

          please come back

                     i don't want to grow up

i miss the old you

when i see you i don't want this you

i want the old you, but i know that she isn't coming back

i know that it won't

and i think that's pretty sad

you lose someone you love

but you still see "them"

i wish it wasn't like this

thank you

My ultimate team has some of the most wonderful people I know. I could go on and on about how great they are, but instead I will relay to you the events that happened on the night of August 8th, 2018.

We had our semi-final game for ultimate and it was a hard fought game that rewarded us with the win at the end of the day. As the team is packing up I instinctively take out my phone to check when the next bus towards home comes. I hear the team talking about going out for some food and drinks. I went with them last week and it was an absolute blast, but I heard them talking about going to some 19+ places for today.

I'm in the middle of taking my cleats off when our spirit captain asks me if I would like to join them tonight. Of course I would, but I didn't want to get in their way of going someplace because I am underage. She insists and says that if I want to go they will find a restaurant that works for us. I agree thankfully and then one of the other girls asks me if I want a ride there.

Four of us pile into her car and on the way there we let the wind rip through our hair while we sing off key to Take Me Home, Country Roads.

We actually stop by her place so that she can change, and we end up having a nice little chat with her dad, who actually used to play ultimate. Once we're ready to go we take an evo to our restaurant of choice, The Main, and we meet up with the rest of the team.

Dinner is yummy and everybody seems to be having a good time. I'm quiet for most of the night as I'm seated at the very end of the table, but once people file out I start feeling more engaged. 

Among those who leave are Jacob and Kirin, and we give each other big ol' hugs and warm wishes as they're headed off to vacation and we will not see them until next season starts up. Nick also leaves, and even though he's coming next week he still gives me a nice bear hug as usual. Anika takes her leave as well and though we didn't hug (we usually don't) we all wish her the best until next week.

Eventually it's just Noah, Paul, and Tess left with me and we have fun conversation for the rest of my time there. At some point Paul says to "hit him up for lunch" when we both have free time on campus.

Looking at the time I say that I should leave so I can catch my bus. Upon hearing this Paul offers to drive me home and after some back and forth I gratefully accept. We say our goodbyes to Noah and Tess, giving each of them a hug as tonight was also their last game of the season (they're both going on their respective vacations). We leave and take a short walk to Paul's car.

A minute or so on the road and I open up with, "So how are the physics girls?" (Paul is doing something with physics at UBC) and we launch into saddening hours. We honestly share our thoughts and feelings about our troubles and it feels really nice to have somebody I can open up to so easily.

We get to my place and he drops me off. 

"Seeya next week!"

=====

And that's it. To all my friends who may be feeling slighted by my praise for my ultimate team - please don't. You are all wonderful and absolutely irreplaceable parts of my life. Thank you for everything that you have done for me. You may not realize it, but just by being friends with you all I feel immense support and my mental health is much better than it would be.

goodnight again, sweet dreams

it's been weird

Hey. It's been a while since I last posted and things are weird.

I don't know what it is. My perception of my life has improved, but my emotional well-being is a train wreck. A knot of pure anxiety and fear forms in my stomach whenever my mind crosses her. You can say it's a "lack of closure" or reason it all away, but I think these feelings have been taking a toll on my mental health.

Before her I don't think I felt particularly attractive or intelligent in any way, but once we started dating she built my confidence up. I'd like to think that she loved me wholly and as such I was able to improve myself as a person for her sake and mine.

As you can imagine, after we broke up everything came crashing down. The months following the separation were truly some of the most lonely and difficult I have experienced. It felt like I had lost some massively integral part of my life, and I had. I was incapable of loving myself for who I was, I think because I was habituated to being loved. I lost my reasons and I wandered aimlessly.

I think the worst part of the breakup so far has been the reminders. On days that my mind does not sadistically harm itself by thinking of her I will see her in somebody's Snapchat story or see that she liked somebody's Facebook post. Seeing her happy kills me. I want to be happy to see her enjoying her life, but it haunts me to see that the quality of her life appears to be better without me.

Maybe it's a universal experience - the dissonance you feel within yourself when you see your past partner happier than you.

end.

along the same vein...

Nearly all aspects of my life have improved. My attitude towards work and my social life there has gotten much better. I was recently offered a space in the computer science major (which I gladly accepted) and I got into two classes I was on waitlist for. I've had an amazing time playing ultimate and I've made some great friends there. I have gotten closer to my friends and I have expanded outside my comfort zone.

Yet I cripple myself with insecurity.aklsdjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjalkfalfasdlkjfasd;lkjasf;oihj31opih231endfancnkmc,nmsdak.jnasdfkjhsadfk;jhdf

I wish I could be better at many more things but I am worthless. I have been unable to get out of this rut and it is not her fault that I am like this. This is my own problem.

my chest hurts

end

You know, I'm not too sure how to love again, or even like somebody. I don't love her anymore. I don't like who she appears to be and who she appears to have become. I don't know this person.

I've had some feelings for people, I think you could call it the start of a crush. They're very fleeting and highly superficial, but it's something. It hurts me because I don't know how to deal with these foreign butterflies in my stomach, but also because

[it took me this long to have these types of feelings again. she probably moved on already and maybe she's already crushing or flirting with some other guy who is much better than me] yeah.

BUT YOU KNOW it's like learning how to walk again. Love used to be as easy as squeezing her hand or just talking the night away. I miss that feeling. Now it's this alien concept.

stopped

both of these things happened tonight haha

i was sitting at the dinner table with my parents and my dad suddenly asks,

what happened to that girl you used to walk with all the time

hahahahahahahaha

i played dumb even though i knew exactly who she was talking about but he went on to describe how i would always walk with her at night and how i would walk her home and how she went to alpha too wow i wonder who it could be

eventually we diverted from that specific thing and then he asked me if i had a girlfriend

i lied -  no it's too much trouble

man the next thing he said would have made me the happiest man on earth that moment but instead it just carved me hollow

basically, "you know kevin, you can start dating girls now that you're in uni"

my parents have always been a little icky with me dating before uni, but i never told them about any of my relationships so i never had to talk to them about it (note: i don't blame them for their outlook, i don't agree with it but it is what is normal for them and probably how they were raised)

while i was with her i had to keep our relationship a secret from both of our parents, which was difficult, but possible. we looked forwards to the day when i got into uni because we knew that my parents would approve of me being in a relationship once i was there, but now that i hear this and she is gone, well, yeah

i lost my appetite and i excused myself

              the coin

we were two very indecisive people who were pretty much agreeable with anything, so when it came time to pick a restaurant to eat or pretty much anything we had this coin flip thing. the coin goes waaaay back to pretty much our first romantic encounter, and how it works is

actually, i'm not going to tell you

that's for her and i, from that time, and it belongs to that us

i want to keep something

anyways even without telling you exactly how it works, i can tell you how it came to take me by surprise tonight

marcus and i were talking about going out for lunch tomorrow and we had a hard time picking which local sushi joint to go to. he suggested flipping a coin and i thought,

wow this feels nostalgic

excuse me, i don't feel like writing anymore

goodnight

love,
kevin