it's been weird

Hey. It's been a while since I last posted and things are weird.

I don't know what it is. My perception of my life has improved, but my emotional well-being is a train wreck. A knot of pure anxiety and fear forms in my stomach whenever my mind crosses her. You can say it's a "lack of closure" or reason it all away, but I think these feelings have been taking a toll on my mental health.

Before her I don't think I felt particularly attractive or intelligent in any way, but once we started dating she built my confidence up. I'd like to think that she loved me wholly and as such I was able to improve myself as a person for her sake and mine.

As you can imagine, after we broke up everything came crashing down. The months following the separation were truly some of the most lonely and difficult I have experienced. It felt like I had lost some massively integral part of my life, and I had. I was incapable of loving myself for who I was, I think because I was habituated to being loved. I lost my reasons and I wandered aimlessly.

I think the worst part of the breakup so far has been the reminders. On days that my mind does not sadistically harm itself by thinking of her I will see her in somebody's Snapchat story or see that she liked somebody's Facebook post. Seeing her happy kills me. I want to be happy to see her enjoying her life, but it haunts me to see that the quality of her life appears to be better without me.

Maybe it's a universal experience - the dissonance you feel within yourself when you see your past partner happier than you.

end.

along the same vein...

Nearly all aspects of my life have improved. My attitude towards work and my social life there has gotten much better. I was recently offered a space in the computer science major (which I gladly accepted) and I got into two classes I was on waitlist for. I've had an amazing time playing ultimate and I've made some great friends there. I have gotten closer to my friends and I have expanded outside my comfort zone.

Yet I cripple myself with insecurity.aklsdjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjalkfalfasdlkjfasd;lkjasf;oihj31opih231endfancnkmc,nmsdak.jnasdfkjhsadfk;jhdf

I wish I could be better at many more things but I am worthless. I have been unable to get out of this rut and it is not her fault that I am like this. This is my own problem.

my chest hurts

end

You know, I'm not too sure how to love again, or even like somebody. I don't love her anymore. I don't like who she appears to be and who she appears to have become. I don't know this person.

I've had some feelings for people, I think you could call it the start of a crush. They're very fleeting and highly superficial, but it's something. It hurts me because I don't know how to deal with these foreign butterflies in my stomach, but also because

[it took me this long to have these types of feelings again. she probably moved on already and maybe she's already crushing or flirting with some other guy who is much better than me] yeah.

BUT YOU KNOW it's like learning how to walk again. Love used to be as easy as squeezing her hand or just talking the night away. I miss that feeling. Now it's this alien concept.

stopped

both of these things happened tonight haha

i was sitting at the dinner table with my parents and my dad suddenly asks,

what happened to that girl you used to walk with all the time

hahahahahahahaha

i played dumb even though i knew exactly who she was talking about but he went on to describe how i would always walk with her at night and how i would walk her home and how she went to alpha too wow i wonder who it could be

eventually we diverted from that specific thing and then he asked me if i had a girlfriend

i lied -  no it's too much trouble

man the next thing he said would have made me the happiest man on earth that moment but instead it just carved me hollow

basically, "you know kevin, you can start dating girls now that you're in uni"

my parents have always been a little icky with me dating before uni, but i never told them about any of my relationships so i never had to talk to them about it (note: i don't blame them for their outlook, i don't agree with it but it is what is normal for them and probably how they were raised)

while i was with her i had to keep our relationship a secret from both of our parents, which was difficult, but possible. we looked forwards to the day when i got into uni because we knew that my parents would approve of me being in a relationship once i was there, but now that i hear this and she is gone, well, yeah

i lost my appetite and i excused myself

              the coin

we were two very indecisive people who were pretty much agreeable with anything, so when it came time to pick a restaurant to eat or pretty much anything we had this coin flip thing. the coin goes waaaay back to pretty much our first romantic encounter, and how it works is

actually, i'm not going to tell you

that's for her and i, from that time, and it belongs to that us

i want to keep something

anyways even without telling you exactly how it works, i can tell you how it came to take me by surprise tonight

marcus and i were talking about going out for lunch tomorrow and we had a hard time picking which local sushi joint to go to. he suggested flipping a coin and i thought,

wow this feels nostalgic

excuse me, i don't feel like writing anymore

goodnight

love,
kevin