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moments

I'm sitting by myself since the seats are in pairs and I look over to see two of them knocked out cold and the other two just doing their own thing and in that moment and all other moments I spend with them I realize that I love them and I'm genuinely grateful that they are a part of my life. I sat by myself because I didn't want to break up their group but I think I am happiest to see them just living and doing their best.

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After getting off the bus one night from work, I thought about how tiring of a day it was and I thought about how tired my parents must be working each day. I realized I've been terrible at giving them a warm welcome home when that's all they want from a long day at work. Then I thought about how happy I was to just get home and I ran the short distance from the bus stop to home. I walked in and my parents and brother were in the kitchen, and my dad says to me, "Good work today." In the afternoon I had a dental checkup and I had to head straight to work. My head was pounding half the time I was working and I got home late. Thanks dad. Thanks mom. And thank you too Raymond, it'd be lonely without you brother.


some other things

I've thought a little bit more about my loneliness and I think the thing I miss most about being in a relationship is physical contact.I make a good amount of physical contact with my male and female friends, but I don't think I've ever been nor will I ever be the type of person to show platonic affection through excessive contact. However there is a special language in touch and over the past year since the breakup I've forgotten how to speak in it, at least in the romantic context. I feel a profound sadness in this. It seems like forever since I last held hands with somebody and felt the warm and gentle grip of somebody who loves me.

To be honest, I'm scared that I have forgotten how to show affection and love. I think the breakup had a severe effect on my understanding and beliefs of what constitutes a relationship - the aftermath was not pretty (especially from my side) and I felt as though everything I had done was wrong. It's taken me a long time to dig myself out of that mindset and I am still in this process of working on that.

The breakup left me feeling as if I was completely undesirable and worthless, however my time with playing with the SBL team in the Vancouver Ultimate League helped me so much. The large majority of the team was Caucasian, and I used to hold the notion that I would be treated differently due to my background. It felt that way throughout high school and I was expecting to just be tolerated at most. I behaved with that expectation for the first couple of weeks, but I soon saw that my teammates not only genuinely cared for me, but also liked me for who I was.

It sounds somewhat sad, however I forgot that people could actually like me for my personality. At an ultimate (heh) low in my life, my teammates really did wonders for my self image. From changing dinner locations so that I could attend as a minor to late night drives while pouring our hearts out, they really made me feel special. Just a few days ago I was talking to one of the players from the team and he commented on how after I left the post-season party everybody on the team had good things to say about me. I am reminded of how special the team and those people are to me.

Looking back at it, I think the breakup had to happen. As much as it pains me to say so, I have grown a lot as a person since, in ways not possible if I had stayed comfortable. I know I would go back in a heartbeat because the relationship is still comfortable and familiar to me, even after a year, but I don't regret it happening. I regret the way it happened and I wish that I had behaved more maturely during that time. However I am fortunate for the different pathways it has opened for me. I have met tons of new people who have helped me develop as a person, and I think I have changed a lot since last year.

In the same vein, she has also changed as a person. From my limited exposure, I don't think I could or would love this new person. However it still hurts a tremendous amount, so much that I think my heart is going to self-destruct and splatter over the bus that we coincidentally are both on.

I am still scared that I will not be able to love.

However I look toward the future and I am getting closer to leaving the past.

I genuinely like who I am as of now. There are plenty of rough edges and places where a lot of improvement can be made, but I like me.

With love,
Kevin