Hey there and welcome to the last post of 2018.
Update on Kevin's Will-Definitely-Do Resolutions of 2018
1. Write a post at least every two weeks
Honestly I don't think I did too bad on this one. I definitely missed some weeks here and there, but I wrote more than double the amount of posts I did last year and I think the quality of them is much higher.
2. Finish a long-ish short story by the end of the year
I wrote some stuff over at the WritingPrompts subreddit, nothing of substantial length mind you. One aspect I need to improve on is pacing of my writing as it is currently all over the place (if you couldn't tell from this blog). If you want to see what amateur and melodramatic work I put out you can find my stuff
here.
3. Improve my writing
While I didn't write anything long-ish, my writing definitely improved. I feel that I am more concise and effective with my writing - less is more sometimes.
4. Go to Japan
I didn't end up going due to a lack of interest from my friends and my parents not being comfortable with me going alone, but next year will be the year.
5. Get accepted into the UBC Computer Science Program
It happened! Not in the prettiest way, but it happened.
6. Do a co-op
I missed the fall deadline and even if I hadn't, I likely would have not actually done my work term until next year.
7. Play a game of ulti
During the summer I played on a Vancouver Ultimate League team, which was tons of fun.
8. Start running (once it's warmer)
I never did this, but hey, I went to the gym pretty consistently for a while.
9. Get that Instagram feed off the ground
I did.
10. Pass my road test and get my N
I didn't :(
11. Have my braces removed
It was weird getting used to their absence, but I am so much more confident in my smile now. I'm also making sure to floss everyday and in general try to treat my teeth better.
12. Love myself
While I can't say that I do right now, there were definitely times when I truly was happy with who I was. Most of these times were spent in the company of close friends who I could be myself around.
13. Do something cool, like
really cool
Sorry, I'm not a cool guy (yet).
14. Write a
First Impressions and
Final Thoughts for every season
This one I definitely dropped the ball for. I was (and still am) self-conscious of how eager or excited I can get when talking about anime I really like, so I didn't
feel it at all. I didn't watch nearly as much as I used to, but anime has definitely made a resurgence in my daily habits. This winter break I've blown through so much time, but it's comfortable, familiar time.
15. Cry
Had myself a good crying session one night.
16. Get over my fear of asking strangers if they need help/want a seat on transit
This one I checked off pretty early in 2018. At some point I just started saying, "Screw it, if I don't do anything now I'll feel too awkward to do it later," and it has worked since then.
17. Achieve over 90% on a midterm
Sorry lads, ya boi is a big dummy.
18. Achieve over 90% in a course
I'd be surprised if I achieved this without fulfilling #17.
19. Make my life colourful
Work in progress.
20. Wean myself off social media to the point where I don't depend on it
I'd like to think of it as a sort of "supplement" to talking to my friends, but I think I still have a small dependency on it. However the time I spend on Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat has decreased significantly, so I think that warrants a half complete.
21. Not get sick for the rest of the year
If we're excluding sniffles and the chills that is.
22. Upgrades to room! Namely new bed sheets, new desk, and some sort of shelving
I got some new bed sheets in the fall and my aunt gave me a really awesome desk and wardrobe (which has been acting as a pseudo-shelf since) a few months back. Thank you so much auntie!
I've written a few more posts like this one - casual, with no depressing/ephiphanic story prefacing it. If you've been following along for the past 448 or so days, you'll most likely have guessed that I'm still going through some tough times right now, but it's gotten better. Right now is the right time to tell the story.
My story
Last year in early October I went through the most heart wrenching and soul tearing breakup of my young life. We had been dating for nearly two years by then - we spent nearly every waking hour (even some napping hours) together and in retrospect maybe that's why things went downhill so fast.
First year Kevin took it extremely poorly. I was not equipped to deal with this sudden absence in my life, in a time where everything and anything was changing for me. I was hardly two months fresh into my experience at a huge university with a multitude of new skills and knowledge I had to learn. For the first few days or so, I felt "liberated," I felt like I could do whatever I want. I didn't need her, she was just baggage. After all, she was one year younger than me, so it would be easy to get over her. I could find another girlfriend whenever I wanted.
Soon that false confidence shattered. The increased amount and difficulty of school work did not mesh well with the naivety I picked up from breezing through high school. My academic performance was terrible, and for the first time I realized that I had nobody to turn to. I didn't realize that because she had been my best and closest friend since it ever mattered I failed to develop deep and meaningful friendships with others. I put all my eggs into one basket.
I blamed her for my own shortcomings.
If she were here she would have motivated me to study more, we could've studied together.
Maybe if we didn't break up I wouldn't feel so sad all the time. Anything bad that happened was her fault. At this time we were still talking to each other, because I said that I wanted to be "friends." I thought that she would just need a little more time until she realized how much she needed me. How many times have you heard this one?
We would converse about the same things that we did when we were dating, however I grew frustrated when the differences came about as a result of the breakup. With the misplaced resentment growing inside me and the lack of a "serious" talk, I eventually snapped and lashed out at her. With that outburst, we agreed to take some more time apart from each other.
After the outburst, I directed all that anger and blame onto myself. I dug myself deeper into a ditch filled to the brim with
I'm worthless,
it's all my fault,
I hate myself,
I should just kill myself,
nobody loves me,
nobody cares,
I have no friends and, well, you can imagine. In the past I had taken great pride in calling myself a person of good nature and bottomless kindness, however my self-blame permanently tainted that. I had failed to make friends in classes due to my severe underdevelopment in that sector and the nature of university, and I was suffering.
For the next period of time, weeks, months, whatever, I desperately tried to indirectly communicate with her. I started posting the most trivial things on Snapchat or Instagram as an attempt to say,
Look at how much more fun my life is now or
Don't you wish you were here? If there were chances to help out at the high school ultimate team she was on, I would go. I did anything I could for attention.
I became so so disillusioned. My increased exposure to social media changed my perspective of others. Through the filters we put on our online lives, I thought that everybody must lead such colourful and exciting days filled with adventure and happiness. My extreme social isolation did nothing to improve this notion.
I also realized that there are
a lot of amazing people at UBC, and I was not one of them. Slowly through the course of one term, I lost everything that had made up my identity. My mental state at this point was terrifyingly low. I joked a lot about suicide, as it is (scarily so) common for people my age to do nowadays, but if you gave me an option to back then I would've seriously considered taking it.
Things turned around for term 2. I happened to have one of my friends from high school in my English class and as we became better friends her group (also from high school) adopted me. We called ourselves the Egg Gang (in honour of our favourite place on campus) and they saved my life. We spent our breaks together, waited for each other to get off class to go home together, and we hung out outside of class. They had their own smaller circle and I knew that I would never get there, but their friendship in my time of need truly saved me. If any of you are reading this, thank you.
With an emotional base, I somehow got through my first year of university. My marks weren't the greatest and I wasn't even an eighth of the person I wanted to be, but things were on the upswing. I opted out of summer session to give myself a break and started going to the gym much more frequently (I had started near the beginning of the year).
There were hangouts with the Egg Gang and I also worked more in the summer, however one of the most important developments was my involvement in a Vancouver Ultimate League team. Another friend from high school who I played ultimate with asked me if I wanted to join his friend's team, and I gladly accepted, not knowing how much of an impact it would have on me.
We dubbed ourselves Summer Beer League (SBL) and for the first two weeks I was unsure of myself and shy, however I slowly came out of my shell. Everybody on the team was older than me and I was also the only Asian player (who regularly came), so I relegated myself to sitting out on the sidelines and (for lack of a better term) respecting the elders. The members of SBL didn't have any of that. They actively encouraged me to participate, on and off the field. I was underage at the time and could not join them at alcohol-oriented establishments (why not just say bars?) so they would pick other places to go to with me. They truly made me feel loved and I loved them just as much, if not more.
Ultimately (ha) they taught me that I was a likable person, which I had struggled with so much. You see, Egg Gang might have felt a subconscious obligation to keep me around due to our high school ties, however SBL didn't have such obligation. They just liked me for me. We ended up winning our division and we had a great celebration afterwards.
Like all things, they must come to an end, and the summer of 2018 was no exception. While I never fulfilled my goal of going to Japan, that might have been for the best. Maybe I would have had a moment of self-discovery during my travels, but I am more than happy with how my summer turned out. I kept myself busy with friends, ultimate, and work, and I truly enjoyed myself then.
Year 2 swung by and I was determined to improve. I was a new hire of the UBC eSports Association (UBCeA) and there was no place to go but up. I purposefully gave myself a lighter course load with the intent of raising my average and finding out how I can get better at school.
My ex had gotten into UBC as well and she was attending. I saw her every Tuesday and Thursday as we lived less than a block away from each other (fun) and took the same route to school. On some days we would end up on the same bus ride to UBC. I remember the first time I realized that she was on the same bus as me. My heart wouldn't stop racing and my head couldn't stop spinning. Looking back, I think that's the closest I've ever been to a panic attack.
As I became more accustomed to seeing her on the way to school, I noticed how much she had changed. It looked like her clothing style and outward appearance had changed so much. I saw makeup when there wasn't any before and a realization came to me.
She was not the girl I once loved.
Yet, still,
still, when she bumped into a male friend on the bus and started talking, even if it's not about anything "important," I got jealous. I thought,
we could be going to school together. I was extremely self-conscious around her, not only on the bus, but whenever I ran into her on campus. Eventually I started seeing her less and less, and like that my life continued.
I met a really solid group of friends from my time as an Imagine Day Orientation Leader, all of them older computer science majors, and we hung out from time to time. We spent Thanksgiving together and bonded over board games and other silly things. I love them to bits.
Throughout this term, I also started hanging out with a mix of people from Egg Gang and their friends. For our inaugural hangout we tried our hand at Dungeons & Dragons (D&D), however that didn't go as well as planned so we put it on the backburner in favour of movies and other board games. This group, the Carl's Jr squad (another story for another time), has been something to look forward to every Sunday, and I love each one of them so much for helping me cope with stress.
To top it all off, I joined a friend from SBL in his UBC Ultimate Intramurals team. I met some really awesome people there, and while I didn't play much of a role in our eventual championship, I am seriously in awe of how good they are. While on the team I was still extremely shy, however I somewhat came out of my shell by the end of the season. I felt inferior so that didn't help, but they were just really good.
I found the two computer science classes I was taking actually interesting and I should have put much more effort into them, but I got decent marks for them. I didn't do as well in the other two arts classes I enrolled in, but the experience was... something. If I had to describe my second year (so far at least, we're not out of the woods yet) in one sentence, I would say: My mental and emotions are much better, however my academics could step it up.
Towards the end of the year, I jumped on the bandwagon and joined the Facebook Group
Subtle Asian Dating to see what all the fuss was about. Honestly that experience is still pretty fresh in my mind, so I can't talk about it without getting all worked up. To sum it up, seeing how attractive and "unobtainable" other people could be enabled me to put myself down. After realizing that I was just hurting myself, I left and I haven't looked back.
To be honest I still think about her, everyday. There hasn't been a single day she hasn't been on my mind at some point. She is so ingrained in my daily life my brain and heart refuse to forget. However it is not that I love her - I love who she used to be. When I see things that are cute or make me laugh I still get the impulse to send them to her. The loneliness of winter (or as the cool kids like to call it, "cuffing season") has amplified her absence. I've come to the conclusion that I do not miss her specifically, but that I am just lonely. I want to love and be loved.
Sometimes, after a long day at work or a day spent with friends, I will walk up the alleyway towards my house and hope to see her sitting at the stairs. Her arms will be wide open and she will say something absurd, something like,
"Thank you for waiting. I missed you so much. I've been under a curse for the last xxx days and I had to keep myself away from you, until now."
I know I would break into a run right away and let the last xxx days of pain, tears, and stress wash away, and that is what scares me. I'd like to say that I've come to terms with the breakup, however the fact is that I have not. It is a process, and a part of the process of becoming a better me. I still cannot put into concise words as to why the breakup happened - I have ideas but I cannot and maybe never will confirm them.
I am still working on myself. I'm not sure what I want, I'm not sure who I am or who I want to become. I'm scared that I will never find love. I've done ugly things, things that I'm not proud of, but what better way to overcome those things than a new year? There are many aspects to improve on, and I hope that you will continue supporting me as we enter another year.
This is the ugly truth. This is my ugliness. This is my acceptance.
This my story.
