feeling

june 8

I finally arrive at my aunt's house after a long day of work. My body is weary, and my stomach is empty. I open the door and am cheerfully greeted by my cousin's baby, who had been peering through the blinds of the window for who knows how long. My aunt and my cousin smile and usher me inside, immediately asking me how work was and offering me food.

After I've fueled up the tank, my aunt goes upstairs and a few minutes later my other cousin comes down, jokingly calling me out for not letting her know I had arrived. I had told her earlier that day that I was going to drop by after work, as today is her last day visiting home before flying back to her place.

We play with the baby for a bit (more like the baby played with us), and after a while her mom takes her to go to sleep, so my cousin and I head to the second floor, where we find my other cousin (wow a lot of cousins). He had recently woken up from sleep and was eating (he's working towards being a doctor, so his sleep schedule is out of tune), but we greet each other and banter as usual.

I talk with my two cousins and my aunt for a good while before my mom comes to pick me up. It was a busy day at work so she was quite late, but in retrospect I appreciate the extra time I had to spend with family. My mom joins the conversation and we talk for a little longer, and then we head on home.

june 9

I had trouble waking up today. You see, even though last night with the family was great, when I got home I had a falling out with a friend. It was my fault, and I ended up leaving the group that we were in to reevaluate some things and clear my head. So for that reason, I don't really want to get up. I lay in bed and watch videos and the latest episode of Darling in the FranXX, waiting for time to pass.

Soon it reaches past midday, and I shame myself into getting up and brushing my teeth to grab some food. Either my mom or dad steamed some buns for breakfast and I grab two, bringing them back to my desk with some condensed milk and some "regular" milk. I finish eating, and then I think of what to do.

Recently I haven't played anything with my brother's group of friends, so I ask one of their group, K, if they'd like to play some games. He says he's always down to play games, and we end up playing some games with my brother. Time passes, and it is nearly time for me to go over to my aunt's to watch my cousin's baby. I let my dad know, and he says that we can drive there after lunch.

For lunch he's prepared some spareribs, vegetables, and some sort of dried fish I didn't try. It's a casual vibe at the table and my dad's watching a video on his phone. I whip out my phone and start watching something too and my dad notices. He fumbles a bit, but he reaches for the volume rocker and turns his volume down.

I drive, with a bright red learner's sticker on the back of my dad's car, and when we get to my aunt's, he slowly guides me through parallel parking. After a minute or so, I've parked the car half decently, and he walks with me to the door. Baby is a little bit shy around my dad since she doesn't see him too much, but her mom encourages her to say hello, which she does in a soft voice. My dad leaves for work, and so does the baby's mom.

For a bit we hang out and play with some of her toys. We read, we eat fruit that her mom peeled for us before she left, and we go outside, where she chases the neighbour's cat. We end up crawling into bed and watching videos, and I get tired and she gets tired. I put the phone away and she dozes off in a few minutes.

I shoot a message to a friend who has been helping me with some personal questions and problems, and then I slowly get up. I notice she's fallen asleep with her thumb in her mouth, and I gently take it out. After adjusting the blankets so she won't overheat, I go to the living room, whip out my laptop, and watch an episode of Fate/Zero Season 2. Once that's done, I write up a post I've been thinking about.

At some point my aunt calls and says she's on her way home soon. Just as I'm about to finish the last few words of the post, baby wakes up, so I quickly publish and then we just sit there and hang out. She's still a little sleepy, but we wait for my aunt to come home.

Eventually we hear the door open and my aunt has arrived to relieve me of my baby sitting duties. We talk for a bit - how baby was, how much she slept, what my plans were for the rest of the night - and then I'm off. My aunt offers to give me a ride back home, but I decline and say that the weather is nice for walking (it was).

The walk home was a bit chilly at first, but after I warmed up it was fine. I thought about a lot of things, mostly about the past.

When I got home, I played some League of Legends with some friends and just relaxed for the rest of the night.

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People do care about me, I just refused to see that because I thought I didn't deserve to be cared about. I'm not all the way there, but it's something.