lately

lately i've thought that things were getting better
that i had some of it figured out, that something was going right
i love playing ultimate every tuesday, with the junior team i coach
i love playing ultimate every thursday, with the vul team i don't deserve
i even started to love work, for the people, for the smiles, for the feeling of doing something
i noticed that i was getting results, tiny, but there, from my inconsistent gym outings

but it's like for every good thing in my life there are multiple bad things to outweigh them

i royally screwed up by not taking chem 123 and being a dumbass for the whole year
my closest friends hurt me the most
     whether it be because they remind me of her
     maybe i see their snap and she's there
     maybe it's because they care about her more than they care about me
     they're my closest friends, but i'm not one of their closest
     what am i

     what am i supposed to do when everybody asks me to play
     "look at this whiny little brat, complaining about how many friends he has to play games with"
     yeah i guess i am
     i keep letting them down
     "your noble crusade of 'i want to please everyone' resulted in 'it's ok i'll play w u for 15 minutes'"
     yeah i do want to please everyone
     i'm just an egotistical, fake, ugly, wants-to-be-a-white-knight loser
     i hate myself i hate myself so much
i don't even know what i'm doing anymore
yeah i've been seeing "results" but then again i've been "going" to the gym for what? 4 months?
i suck at ulti
work makes me tired, and the truth is i'd rather not work
im ugly
so so ugly

i used to think i was good with people, what a joke
i don't know what to do anymore

you were all right
she didn't cause any of this
she was preventing it from happening
in reality i'm just a terribly constructed worthless excuse for a human being
and she just held it together until she got fed up with me
these are all my problems, and they've always been here

i won't talk about this with anybody so i share it with a screen
enjoy, and laugh at me