My Style Of Living

Styles Of Life

I think everybody has their own way of living. Whether they stride along without a care in the world, or if every step is forced and accompanied with thought, it's the way that they live life that matters. I think the way that people live life affect the people, or even make those people. Yes. That sounds about right. The way a person lives life makes that person. It sure feels that way because I walk thinking about each and every step I take, weighing the possible repercussions and in the end it just takes me a ridiculously long time to travel a short distance. I walk this way. Maybe you walk another way. You probably do, but I just know that I walk in a slow and thoughtful way.

So that means that I need to let go right? I don't know. It confuses me. It's like I'm too stressed about everything, but that is because I make myself stressed. Stupid eh?

Sorry For My Crappy Mood Last Post

Because I was thinking about her, and how stupid the whole thing was, I was in a pretty low mood. While I'm talking about crappy things, let me apologize for the really bad picture. It's just that even talking about this whole thing makes me feel really bad about something, although I can't put it in words.

Anyhow, yup. Talking about infatuation puts me in a bad mood. So I'll stop talking about it until something positive occurs. Then maybe I'll put up an update and hope that it's the end of any infatuation to come. There has been some development going on, but that's for me to know and only me (for now at least).

Ugh. These Posts Have Been Bad

I am so so so so sorry about these past few posts. A lot of them seem depressing, but it just seems that way. Don't worry about it. If I was actually depressed I wouldn't even bother putting up a post. I think in order to make a good post, I need something happy to happen. Either that or if nothing happy happens in a while, then I'll just review a game (something I haven't done in a while). I have finished quite a few games since the last one, so I'm "stacked" up on games.

Actually, I think I will make a review on a game. I still need an idea for the 300th post, so if you have any ideas, just comment/email me and I'll be glad to accommodate any good idea. But seriously, my mind is actually empty of ideas and creativity. Has been these past few weeks. Oh well. Time to end this post. I am an... 8 today? I don't feel happy, but I don't feel sad either. Somewhat neutral.

"It is easier to believe than to doubt." - Gene Fowler

I Feel So Dead.

Everyday Is The Same.

The same feelings. The same problems. The same people. I am stuck in a vicious cycle of this. I can't escape. Everyday there's that pang of infatuation whenever I see her. Every. Single. Time. I hate this little thing that happens. It disappears in a second, and soon it's like nothing happened. It kills me. She's just a whisper in my head, coming and going. She hits when I'm most vulnerable and topples me over when I think I'm at my best. I have no solution to it, and I can't do anything but sit back and try to survive.

I think about how happy we could be. I think about what we could be doing together. I think about how much time I am losing with her as each second ticks by. I wonder if she likes me back. I wonder if she even knows about my existence. The possibilities. So many of them. There's only four years of high school left. Do I have enough time? I crave her attention. Why doesn't she say hi to me? Am I supposed to? How am I supposed to say hello without being creepy?

We could be so happy.

That's my mind. A person who has sunk to a low. I'm so deep in this single infatuation that I don't even care about it. I've stopped trying to figure out. I've caved in. I'm done.

Tired.

Of course there's another reason why I'm feeling so crappy right now, but that reason is private, because the people that I know read this blog are involved, and the outcome of me revealing that reason is terrible. Don't try to figure it out, because you'll probably guess wrong, and on the off chance you know what I'm feeling, then don't bother asking me, since I'll just deny anything.

This has been a really bad post, huh? My sincere apologies. I'm a 5 today.

"Life is about timing." - Carl Lewis

Broke 19K

Thanks To All

So thanks to over two years of blogging, friends who have told me what to do and what not to do on my blog, and you guys (I'm just going to call everybody a guy), we have hit 19K total views. It may not seem like much, but it kind of is to me, and I think that if I ever get to 20,000, I'll be just really glad. As I've said in the past, this blog was kind of a wreck and disappointment back in the day, so it's nice to see how far it has matured and how the readers have as well.

Infatuation And Loneliness

I now wonder if the cause of my severe infatuation is loneliness. Ever since I took other courses, I have been more distant with friends. Sure, we still act the same, and maybe things are still the same, but for sure, something is different. Just because I'm not in any of their classes... this happens. So am I just lonely?

Sure hope not. Loneliness is a sad thing. But I think I'd rather be lonely than infatuated.

If you are wondering what happened to the group I used to hang out with... well, I more or less left. I think it was decided when I had my courses changed and I can't help but feel that they are doing group things behind my back. But honestly, I don't care if they are doing just that. It's fine. Please don't be offended if you read this. I get it. I get it because it happens to me. Because of the person I am, I just don't stick in groups for long periods of time. It happens.

Just A Morning Post

Woke up around 7:00 a.m. today and I couldn't get back to sleep, so I decided to make a post. I was surprised when I saw the blog's views because just last night it was under 19K, so thank you to any foreigners or whatever kind of traffic I got.

I am an 8 today. Saturday morning, I feel groggy. What else can I say?

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." - Thomas A. Edison

Just A Few More To Go

I Survived

Once again the end of the week is coming up and I wonder how I'm going to be able to survive the whole school year, let alone the next week. I feel like this week was more of a sit-back-and-relax type of week more than anything because I did so many I-don't-care things that were... fun. So I had fun, and that has made my week somewhat bearable.

There's just a few more to go until I hit the big old 300th post, but I still haven't really planned anything else. Please don't go and expect something huge out of me, since I don't know if I can even think properly at school anymore, let alone assemble a good long post.

Arrogance

I think I have mentioned on this blog before that I hate my math class. Even though it's Math 10 Honours, you might as well take away the "Honours" and "Math" part. In reality it's just a bunch of grade 10 students who are screwing around in a classroom taking advantage of the nature of the teacher. And as if that wasn't enough, there are just some people who really piss (kind of a too strong word for this) me off.

You have your stereotypical tall white guy who's only job is to "entertain" the class and cause disruptions. Then you have the silent girl who thinks that she is better than everybody, and regardless if she actually is or is not, she should not be acting like a total prick. There's the quiet and relatively shy person in class who actually takes the time to try to learn the material, but cannot because the whole class is a joke.

Of course, I'm not talking about everybody in the class (not at all, I actually have some good friends in that class that I enjoy working with), but I can't take this course seriously if I'm stuck in a classroom full of people who don't even want to try. Just like in grade eight, I have to ask myself again, "How did these people get into Honours?" Sorry about this little rant about my class, it's just that it's extremely unproductive and I wish that I never took it.

Exclusion

I've said in a past post that I don't like excluding people and I try not to do it purposefully or with harmful intent. I also said that I would try to not exclude anybody, and I think I have done pretty well so far. So naturally when things are going alright, something bad usually comes along.

Volleyball intramurals are coming up next week and my friends and teammates from last year's volleyball team wanted to make an intramurals team. However there is a cap of six players on a single team and there has to be "a person of the opposite sex on the court at all times" (which for us just means a girl has to play the whole time). The team kind of split and there is currently one team.

I thought about making a team, but it seemed kind of pointless without having the whole team together again, so I leaned away from that idea. For a short while it seemed like they would go on and have their little team and maybe I would make one with the remainders, but it turns out that they actually made space for me on their team (which just means that somebody was kicked off, unfortunately).

First of all, this gives me very conflicted feelings because a) somebody was kicked off the team and b) I will be leaving the other guys on their own. I wouldn't want to leave anybody behind, because, well, that's exclusion, and I kind of promised to try and not do that. Yet I think about how much fun there is to be had at intramurals and then those thoughts don't seem so important anymore...

So who knows? I might just not join a team this year. Or then again, I might. You'll probably hear from me soon enough as sign ups are due by tomorrow.

Goodbye

Well, that ends yet another insignificant post. Thank you for reading this blog (I hope you continue if you like it) as it does give me support somewhat and I like to know that this is actually getting out to people. As for my infatuation "problems", I don't know what I'm going to do. My regards go out to all those who commented and suggested ideas, but I think I'm just going to do nothing, for a bit at least.

I've been very curious about this anon person. It'd be amazing if you were not a friend that I have met in life and if you were a random stranger who somehow stumbled upon this blog. I have no idea who you are, but it seems like you've been here from the start, and who knows, maybe you were. But thanks. I hope you don't leave because of this (haha). I will be a 9 tonight.

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." - Jimi Hendrix

There's So Much To Say

I Can't Put Everything Into Words

My life is now a complex swirl of intensified feelings, emotions, thoughts, and it just makes me want to scream because everything is just trapped inside me and I can't say anything because if I do then it's revealing myself and because these feelings involve the people I want to talk to most about this, and holy, this has been a long run on sentence. There are so many things that I want to this this person, and other things I want to tell another person, but if I do, then I feel like I'm making a mistake.

All of this is just stuck inside of me and it's no use to try to pry it out of me because if it is, then I will surely break because everything that I'm thinking is just so useless and stupid and there's no point. Sometimes I wish that you didn't have to keep anything to yourself and that everything was just out for people to see.

The funny thing is that I try to maintain balance and order on the outside and even enforce it at times when I'm around other people.

Carnival Was A Success (Surprise)

From my point of view, I actually thought that the carnival would have been largely unsuccessful, but it actually had a pretty big turnout. While I had a whole different thing planned out in my mind, the whole event (at the end) was considered a success and I'm sure that the majority of people had a good time at some point of the carnival.

Me? I had a good time. Definitely at the sumo wrestling, and even handing out hot dogs and juice boxes was kind of fun. I'm happy that this event happened, because it's the first time we have ever hosted an event this big at Alpha since I came. Anyhow, just wanted to fill you guys in on that.

Terrible Horrible Infatuation.

Infatuation is a terrible and horrible thing. It blinds your distinction between actual love and infatuation. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. My idea of love is now so disfigured that I think anything is true love.

So I'm infatuated with this one girl I don't even know. Thanks. Goodbye. I'm an 8 today.

"My sun sets to rise again." - Elizabeth Barrett Browning