Ups And Downs.

Miscommunication

I miscommunicate with my family all the time. While I've gotten better at communicating with them, we are nowhere near to how other close families function. Miscommunication is a funny thing. Sometimes it ends up as a big joke, where everybody is laughing at the end of it. And other times... not so much.

In a post a while ago, I said that I would be joining a volleyball intramural team. I was really hyped up because we had some skilled players on the team and I hadn't played volleyball since the bantam season last year. However there was the problem of having to cut people off the team. There were kind of two people who headed the whole team, and I feel like there was a lot of miscommunication between the the co-captains. I was told by one captain that I was put on the team along with a fellow volleyball friend and that they had cut two girls from the team.

So I had this in my head until a few days ago, where the other captain comes up to one of the girls who was supposedly cut and asks her if she's ready for the upcoming game. The whole time I'm just sitting there thinking, "What the hell is going on here?" I had no idea what was happening, so after he was done talking to her, I asked her what was happening.

You can probably figure out the rest of the story. The first captain was sick today, so he wasn't there to witness the literal flock of cut players go onto the court and play. I was feeling dreadful because I did not want to play with those players. It's not that they were bad (in fact, some of them are much better than others), but it's more that I was frustrated because I was looking up to playing with those skilled players for a long time, and now... poop.

Whether it was a lack of communication between the two captains, or there wasn't a clear line on who was the actual captain, or both captains were just really bad at being leaders, I don't care. One captain is able to cut and knows his volleyball, while (to me) the other captain is just adding on players (and of course all of them are girls) and he just can't say no. So it's a mixture of miscommunication and leadership problems.

Attentioners

Wow I haven't used that term in such a long time. For anybody who needs a quick refresh or is new to this blog and my terms, attentioners are people who are attention craving, to put it simply. They constantly need to be the center of attention of the people around them. And how do I put this... I dislike them. They do obnoxiously silly things that disturb the whole class and it's stupid. That person is not getting the right type of attention.

For example. French class. Guy gets out of his seat and starts looking inside the recycling bin for candy. The teacher has her back turned to him, so she isn't aware of him (how in the world I don't know since he's making so much sound). However at some point (I don't know if somebody pointed him out or whatever) the teacher finally notices him and I think, "Thank god, I'm tired of this." However the teacher just treats it as a joke.

Please no. Just no.

I don't get why this one kid just gets the need to disturb the class and people who actually want to learn (or something corny like that). I'm just... done.

Getting Over.

It's tough. The longer the relationship lasts, the tougher it is if it ends. Such a large part of your life has been just cruelly ripped out. This is a topic, dedicated to all those people who have ever been on the receiving end of the metaphorical shotgun of love.

Me... I've been metaphorically shotgunned by love two times. That's about 50% of all my "relationships". The other two times I have been the killer. So I know what it feels like to be on both sides of the gun. However, I'm not here to write about holding the gun.

As with many things, the longer it lasts, the more value it picks up along its journey. Shorter relationships tend to have a more silent breakup, while longer relationships are bombs, cracking through the air. The majority of people do not want a short relationship, but what is the point of being with the one you love for a short period of time?

Being broken up with is difficult. For a while this person was anything and everything in your life. Now it's like this person doesn't even want to see your face anymore. It feels bad. You feel insecure. But you get over it. I'm not saying that you won't be hurt. No, there will be a scar.

But scars fade away. Just remember that you will get over it. There are other people out there, and even if it doesn't feel that way for a long time, it will at some point. There's no point of moping around and being sulky. You are a strong person. You will get over this.

That's It.

Well that is all I have to say. Sorry for the slightly longer-than-usual post today. I just had to accommodate a friend's request. But hey, that's what friends are there to be. Accommodating and supportive. Anyhow, I might not have exactly fulfilled my friend's wishes, but I think I did the right thing, or the best that I could.

I am an 8 today. I legitimately studied for my chemistry test and I don't think that I did bad on it (for once, hooray). Maybe I'll actually look into this method called studying as opposed to just winging everything left and right (haha, jokes). Alrighty then. Good post? I hope so. I tried to put a lot of effort in it. Thanks for reading along.

"Sometimes the person you would take a bullet for ends up being the one behind the gun." - Unknown

Looking To Take Up A Project

Life Is Boring

It is. There's nothing in my life anymore. I'm bored of the games I used to play. My friends seem to be ever growing distant from me. I can't fit in any groups or "cliques". The anime and show that I'm watching only come out once a week. So it's logical that if my life is this boring, then I should be focusing 100% on school, right?

But I'm not. School does not satisfy me. It doesn't give me the feeling of accomplishment, for some reason, for whatever reason. There is nothing to do. Everything is either extremely easy, or extremely difficult. Unfortunately there's no middle. Nothing that I'm average at.

Funny word. Average that is. If you are accounting for all the people in the world, what is the... average? It'd be pretty hard to find one person who's just average.

So... Project Time?

With all this free time, I should definitely take up a project (to kill time and be productive) of some sort, and to be honest, a lot of great opportunities have presented themselves. For example, my friend and I might open up a "collaborative deviantART" with him sketching and me filling in on Illustrator. I've also considered making Flash animations, and even trying to mimic anime. Because I'm not willing to learn coding (yet), I've tried looking up for some sort of variant of RPG Maker (Wolf RPG Editor was a very good option, but unfortunately it does not have an English translation) so I can possibly make a small indie game. Writing a short novel has also crossed my mind, and really, all of these seem like a great choice.

At some point I will get so bored of life I will attempt one of these or some other far-fetched idea I'm sure to come up with in the future. But that's just life right? If it gets boring then it's time to switch up some things.

I Don't Fit Into Cliques.

The thing I realized at lunch today was that I felt... uncomfortable around my friends. It shocked me, because I typically don't, but now I feel... unwanted, for some strange strange reason. So I kind of just drew away from everybody and spent the majority of my lunch just thinking about things and walking around the school.

Anyhow, that's it for this blog post. I'll see you in the next post, where hopefully I'll have somewhat cheered myself up. I'm feeling like a low 7 right now. Those mood swings though.

"If you're bored with life, you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things, you don't have enough goals." - Lou Holtz

Mind Numbing.

It's Paradise.

Heaven. Bliss. I love it whenever I do something mind numbing. It takes my mind off all the things that are going on, and I can just focus solely on the single task that I'm given. Lining for volleyball. Difficult problems in chemistry. Late math homework. Intense P.E. class. All of those are just so mind numbing because you don't have to think about anything else. I hate thinking about her and her and her and maybe even her. It's like the whole day I'm holding in my breath and the only times I can breathe are when I am doing something that requires my attention 100%.

I like Wednesdays. It means the week is half over. It means nearly 5 hours of doing nothing but standing on a line and calling ins and outs for a volleyball game after school. It means that when I get home, I can feel good about myself because I was able to get through another day. Sure I might get a bit down because I got into a fight with a friend, but when I tuck myself into bed at night, I can breathe happily and freely.

Mood Swings

Hooray for mood swings eh? They're good and bad at times (obviously), but they're a real inconvenience. You don't have any justification for mood swings, so there's really no excuse for suddenly snapping in front of your friends. But it's nice because sometimes you're at a high. You get this vibe going on, because a string of a good events just occurred, and you can't help but feel that things will be better from here on out.

Then one bad thing, even one slightly bad event. And snap. You break. Depressed. Gloomy. Melancholic. Dismal. Dreary. So many synonyms for sad. More good things happen and then you're back at your fake high, and then, well. The whole thing repeats, in this cycle that constantly tears and adds to you. It can't possibly be healthy for your emotional self.

I've Spilled Everything That I Can

I'm not willing to tell you anything deeper than what I've told you about the four hers. That's reserved for either another time, or never. Probably the latter. Kind of stupid of me right? Four. That's four too many already. Wait. The last one is a maybe. I don't know. All of them might be maybes.

Oh well. That's it for tonight. I'll catch you later in the next post though. I'm an 8 today. What are you (as my grade six teacher used to say, that's a rhetorical question)?

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Thanksgiving Post

Happy Thanksgiving

I figured that I should put up a post on Thanksgiving (regardless of the fact that I have a hard time trying to be thankful), so here we are with another sure-to-be-bad post. There's actually going to be nothing about Thanksgiving in this post (besides this part), so if you're looking for some sort of corny entry with me listing what I'm thankful for, then you are at the wrong place. I dislike expressing feelings, even to family and good friends because it makes me feel vulnerable. Do I feel invulnerable though? Not really.

More Clannad Feels

So I finally finally finally finished Clannad After Story, and I feel like... what I felt like after I finished Angel Beats! Of course to some extent though. Between both Clannad and Angel Beats!, I'd definitely go for Clannad. The anime just gave a really... emotional roller coaster (as many would say), hitting you in the head with the metaphorical shovel more than once.

What surprised me though was that I didn't cry in the scenes I was "supposed to cry in. Many of my friends told me about tear jerking scenes, and I was ready. But when the scene came on, I couldn't find the tears. Now, this may be because I actually kind of spoiled all the major moments (which now in retrospect I regret), but I'm still not sure if I would have cried or let out a sniffle anyways, even if I had not spoiled it.

When I say "I didn't cry in the scenes I was 'supposed' to cry in", I mean that I did cry in other scenes. It wasn't like a full out bawl or anything, just a little bit of the water works here and there throughout After Story (because there is absolutely nothing that sad in Clannad). Essentially it was after episode 18 and during when (spoiler alert) a certain character remembers another certain character (end of spoiler). For some reason that touched me (not in the perverted way), and I liked that.

I'm really glad that I finished both parts of Clannad and I'll be sure to recommend it to any other people who are interested in anime, just as my friends have done so for me.

Oh yeah, it's also Tomoyo's birthday today (coincidentally). Happy birthday Tomoyo.

Friends (And I) Changed

It's true that I've somewhat left my friends behind as I don't have any classes with them anymore. And while we may pretend that we're still the same friends and still have the same type of relationship that we had last year, it's kind of just a pathetic attempt at bringing back our past. Everything has changed and I don't think that it will ever go back to the way that it was.

But not all is lost. It's not like I'm not friends with them anymore. In fact, maybe I've even grown closer to some friends. I've also met a variety of new people and I can't imagine not meeting them. So change is good. At least in some cases, if not most. The thing is, I think I've finally come to accept this change. A few days back last week at school, I didn't wave to somebody. I used to crave this person's attention like a puppy and now... I don't even wave at this person? It was too late by the time I realized that I should have waved and that I wanted to. Maybe next time.

Feel Happy (:

Feeling sad feels good at times. It's nice to just throw everything away and be carefree and selfish for a bit. Sure, you feel like you're depressed, but most of the time, you're not. In reality you've just made a mountain out of an anthill, and during this period of time, you keep on seeing this mountain instead of the anthill it really is. But the good part is that once you get out, it's just an anthill you can carefully step over.

Feeling happy is great though. It's one of the best feelings in the entire world. Then again though, if you're happy all the time, eventually it just becomes the norm, and then you crave more. So make sure to balance out your life. I guess that's why bad things happen sometimes. I'm an 8 today. I might sound really happy and joyful, but to be honest, I'm just sitting at a computer with a stoic (and at times, thoughtful) expression on my face. Hope you've had a good time here. Until the next entry.

"Genius is initiative on fire." - Holbrook Jackson

Writing

NaNoWriMo

My friend asked me if I was going to participate in NaNoWriMo (an annual novel writing event that takes place every November) this year, and... I said nope. While that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not going to write a short novel, it does mean that I will definitely not be trying to hit the goal of 50,000 words. But more on that later.

For Aspiring Writers

I don't know who reads this blog or what type of audience reads this blog, but if you're an aspiring writer looking for a chance to widen your horizons (that could lead to a writing career), then LEAP might be the thing for you.

Fortunately for you (and because I am too lazy to), I will not be giving an in-depth summary of what the LEAP program is. However, if you are interested, then you should give it a look here. Normally a person like me would jump at this opportunity, but I'm not in the recommended age group (which is why I was talking about the audience that I was reaching with this blog). It might be an option for me once I hit 16, but still, that's a might.

Short Novel?

How many times have I talked about making a short novel? If you've been with this blog for a while now, you'll know that I have many many many failed projects. From short novels to lyric videos to gaming channels. My whole project history is filled with many failed attempts, but without failure I can't succeed (right?).

Anyhow, so here's another little paragraph about how I want to write a short novel. I feel like I have a writer's block going on, but I haven't actually tried to write anything... so maybe I will one day.

Picking Fights.

I have been getting into little spats with some friends. I don't know why.

Just became a 7 maybe? I don't know anymore. I don't feel like putting up this post, but I've already written it, so whatever.

"Those who are at war with others are not at peace themselves." - William Hazlitt