Digital wellbeing

As someone who spent a large part of their adolesence online (largely through a PC), it is only recently that I have stopped to consider my relationship with the internet and digital devices. Nearly every facet of my daily life is either enabled or completely reliant on the internet. My job would not exist without the internet, and the same goes for my longstanding pasttime of playing video games. In the morning I use Google Maps on my phone to check bus times for my commute, and when I nestle into bed I will ocassionally watch a show or YouTube video until I fall asleep. Even the weekly recreational volleyball leauge I play in is organized throgh a mobile app.

Suffice to say the internet and smartphones are a significant part of my life, and I was fine with it (or so I thought).

On an otherwise unremarkable day half a year ago, my brother shared an update that he had limited his daily phone screen time to 2 hours. In a vacuum 2 hours sounds like a lot, but I came to sobering realization that 2 hours was half the time I spent on TikTok on some days. Perhaps it was long overdue, but I was finally facing my excessive screen time, and I didn't like what I saw in the reflection.

Even so, social media in its modern form is a hell of an adddiction and I was caught in its throes. To much shame I didn't do anything to remedy this until a month ago.

I was taking the elevator in my apartment down to the street and I took my phone out of my pocket, an action committed to muscle memory. This particular time one clear thought coursed through my consciousness: What am I hoping to accomplish by checking my phone? Most likely I was going to refresh my Reddit feed only to see the same top posts.

Thanks to that spontaneous thought I sprung into action. I started by setting a 30 minute time limit for Reddit. A few days later 30 minute limits on YouTube and Instagram were enacted - these surprised me by how quickly I burned through them. It was certainly uncomfortable adjusting to this change to be honest, but I've stuck with it since.

Considerable progress has been made since the days of doomscrolling TikTok for hours each day. My next goal is to avoid unncessary phone use when I start and end my day. While there is (always) more that can be done, I'm content with the trajectory I'm on.

In my quest to reduce the time spent on my phone I have come to learn other methods as well. My coworker does not have the Instagram app installed and only uses it in the mobile browser (worse user experience and increased friction). Dumb phones are a recent trend where you forgo your smartphone for a phone with limited capabilities - this could be your decade old flip phone or a custom launcher with access to essential apps only.

Thinking back, I simply had to break the habit of checking my phone whenever I had a spare moment. It is a slippery slope from when the screen is unlocked and avoiding that is a good first step. The effects have been great. I find that my mind wanders organically, separate and unaffected by an algorithm, and I have started daydreaming again. I catch more of the sunset through the windows of the bus as it coasts through the street. My mind is back in control and is no longer hijacked all the time.

A love letter

Dear friends,

You were my first choice. My second home. My third space.

Though you are no longer any of these, I am not upset.

Back then I asked you, "Do you think we're friends just because of circumstance?"

To this you responded, "Maybe, but does that matter?"

See, I often wonder what would have happened if I was not there at that exact time and place. What if I was not there when you went to IKEA? If I had said no to a night making ratatouille and eating ice cream? If I had taken the bus home because it was getting late instead of watching 8 episodes of Dash & Lily?

Perhaps I would not have spent every free hour in that 16m² clubroom that had one table and extra chairs stolen from the hallway. I probably would not have developed a crush and gotten rejected. I definitely would not have been part of an underground band with 0 performances to date.

I was scared that we were simply people who met at the right time and place, and that this delineation would somehow undermine our friendship. I was afraid that admitting to this would mean we were not true friends.

But while these thoughts swirl in my brain, I know, and I have felt firsthand, that this is anything but true. You were always right - it does not matter if we met by coincidence. I would say I'm dumb for thinking otherwise, but if you were here you would call me out for always being self-deprecating, so I won't.

You taught me how to love your friends, and that I would be loved despite my flaws. You helped me get over my anxiety of spending one-on-one time. You said it was okay to receive care and gifts without always having to return them.  You helped me land my first full-time job offer, and when that offer was rescinded, you gave me strength to get back on my feet.

You not only celebrated my successes, but felt my pain as if it was yours.

Our time together will likely be a short blip in my lifetime, but in that time you made an impression on me that will last for that lifetime.

You were my first choice. My second home. My third space.

Though you are no longer any of these, I am not upset.

Instead, I rest easy knowing there is a point in the spacetime continuum in which you and I aligned perfectly, and you were all those things and more.

And for me, that is more than enough.

Love,
Me, now, back then, and from here

dear kevin in a year from now

Hi, how are ya?

I'm doing well, thanks for asking. Today is my birthday and I wanted to share some thoughts and aspirations with future me. My hope is that you will forget about this soon (you have a tendency to) and on November 20th, 2023, you will receive a notification linking you to this post.

As usual, you spent the day in relative normalcy. You have always said that your birthday is "just another day," and that you don't make a big deal out of it. In reality you can't help but to expect special treatment and attention of some sort. That's not a bad thing, but it's also not the point I'm trying to make here. This year you did not care about the attention.

I can remember vividly the feeling of checking my phone every time a notification came up.

"5 friends posted on your timeline"

"12 friends posted on your timeline"

"39 friends posted on your timeline"

And so on and so forth. Unhealthy phone habits aside, I want to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with being excited about this. It's comforting to be remembered by friends, whether they are from lifetimes ago or hogging up the forefront today. The reason I bring this up is because today really highlighted the unconditional love and support in my life.

In the past 24 hours you have received the lowest amount birthday wishes in recent memory, yet you feel more loved and appreciated than ever. Last night you spent the day with family, and celebrated with a big dinner. All your close friends left a message, whether they lived a couple of blocks away or were across the country. You had cake and bubble tea delivered to you, and direct messages with lighthearted feelings and appreciation.

You wonder what you have done to deserve this. For each person that has made this day special for you, you rack your brain on what you have done to warrant their kindness. This way of thinking is worrisome - friendship is far from transactional - but it's a part of your nature. You feel guilty and worry that you don't treat your friends nearly as well as you should.

That brings you to the me right now. You and I, we're going to try our best to show our friends that we care about them. If life after school has taught you anything, it's that friendships are fleeting, so it's important to treat them with care and make the effort to show up. I hope that in a year's time you can confidently say that you reached this goal and many others.

liminality

Something that always surprises me is how quickly life and its many aspects can change. Things that we take for certain - family, friends, homes, jobs, school - can drastically change in the blink of an eye.

The company I was planning to work for cancelled my job offer a month before my start date.

The stated reason was because the tech market was on the downtrend. In hindsight, I was probably one of the first to be affected as the media coverage of the mass layoffs wouldn't start until some time later. The emotions that resulted were a mix of disappointment, frustration, and even relief. I was disappointed that I would no longer be moving down to San Francisco to make it to the "big leagues" with all my friends. I was frustrated because the beginning of my journey as a university graduate had managed to derail itself before it even started, and I couldn't do anything about it. I was relieved because a part of me was scared to leave the people and places I called home for my entire life.

This is all to say that things can suddenly change, and sometimes you can't do anything about it.

Now to the intended topic of discussion. I spent the last 4 months of university viewing everything as if it would be the last time. This is such an example of some of the (in hindsight, melodramatic) thoughts I had as the end of my undergrad approached.

I've been experiencing my "normal" life differently now that I'm planning to move away. This scene and many others are "normal" and comfortable, but one day they will be faraway and special places. I'll miss them, but for now I will continue to enjoy them, as I always have. pic.twitter.com/0DDKyBwZaw

— kevin (@therealkevinzoo) March 12, 2022

So now I have been experiencing everything in a renewed state. I was ready to tearfully part with my "old" life and instead stayed in the exact same spot. Like the beginning of a race I took a deep breath and launched myself forward, only to hit a wall that suddenly appeared. This perspective has been extremely refreshing however. I've found a peace and happiness in things not changing. I thought that I needed to move away and live by myself to start life "for real" when in reality I have been living this whole time.

This is all I really had to say about the matter. It's been a turbulent several months and honestly speaking I'm not sure how this will all turn out. Let's hope that one day in the (somewhat near) future things will have worked out for me!

glasses

The ocean opens itself to us, painting a picturesque setting as the sun sets. We take a moment to grasp the sheer awe of it.

She turns to me and says, "Want to find somewhere to sit?"

Ah. I can see why they call it Golden Hour. It's as if the world decided that the last bit of sunlight should be used on her.

"Yeah let's find a log."

We seat ourselves on a sturdy looking log, away from the other beachgoers. For a minute it is only the sunset on the horizon, the sand and log on the beach, and ourselves.

She takes a big stretch and looks satisfied with it before finally speaking. "Do you know why I asked you to come with me today?"

My heartbeat shoots through the roof. Holy shit. This is it. It's finally happening.

"No not really, what's up?" I lie, trying to not let my excitement show through the cracks.

She laughs and says, "Wow you really didn't pick up? So you also don't know why we went to the cafe to study, IKEA shopping last weekend, and the movie the other day?"

"No actually. Though I'm curious now since you say there's a reason." This was only half a lie. I genuinely didn't know that those outings were because she was interested. I thought she just needed to get things done and didn't want to do them alone.

"Okay I guess I really just have to tell you straight up then."

"Please do."

She faces me and takes a deep breath to prepare herself. A moment passes and I think back to everything that led to where we are now.

At first it was just a simple "hey good game tonight! thanks for teaching me a lot even though I was really bad :')" after our intramural volleyball game. Then it became a back and forth of messaging each other our attempts at the daily Wordle. Then whenever she needed to do some errand or task she would always invite me out. It was the love story that I had been missing out on my entire undergrad.

"I really like your friend."

What did she just say? I don't understand. I don't get it. But I have to answer I have to say something.

"Oh! Yeah, it makes sense looking back at it." And that was the second biggest lie I told myself.

"Right? And thank you so much for being there when we did everything, the cafe, IKEA, the movie. I would've been way too nervous if it were just him and I."

Right. So the reason she was so comfortable with me and so cold to him was because she literally liked him too much to act normally.

"Hey I'm glad that I could be there for you."

She leans in to hug me and says, "Thank you, you don't know how much this means to me. I know I've got this with your support."

She breaks off the hug and she and I sit there until the sun finishes setting. She talks about how much better she feels now that she's told me and knows she has somebody to help her. She talks about all the good things about my friend, and I sit there and agree.

Eventually she and I leave that log on the beach. The beach, once brilliantly golden, is now cold and sullen. She and I make our way to the bus stop to go home, where she gives me one last hug.

"Thanks again, I'll see you soon!" she says as she steps onto the bus and away from me. It's a short walk home but I make it long. I make cup noodles, watch some YouTube, and get ready for bed.

As I lay in bed I think, "How could I have been so wrong?" For all the nights I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of her, she was thinking of him. And that is when I realized that I never crossed her mind the way she did mine.

I take off my glasses and go to sleep.

on loneliness

Recently I have felt just... lonely.

If I had to say when this feeling began, it would be the start of February (when school returned to in-person classes). As I settled into a new rhythm, I realized that it was not going to be like the first term.

I distinctly remember one day in the first week back. I had a break and was walking up to the clubroom, expecting to see someone working away or a group of people goofing off as usual. My heart warmed as I thought about how nice it would be see everyone again. Instead my heart sank as I saw the lights off and the room empty.

Thinking that somebody would come around eventually I sat down and idly did something to pass the time until they did.

Nobody did.

For the rest of the first week back I continued my tradition. Some days there would be people and I had an amazing time. But it was not the same, and I suppose I am the fool for believing it could be.

A sinister thought came to mind. What if they didn't want to be here anymore?

A dangerous thought, to be sure. With this more sinister ideas started popping into my head. They do not like me anymore. They will forget about me.

What scares me about how much I care about this is how little others seem to care about it. It scares me to think that I am the only one who feels this way and it makes me feel vulnerable.

I'm sure I will be fine in the end. My mind probably recalls only the negative feelings and experiences so the many great times I've had this term are not mentioned. I think I just needed to write this out to organize myself. With that said, thank you for reading.

thoughts going into the last 4 months of uni

A snapshot

And just like that, the last four months of my university experience are here. Though I am not quite yet at the finish line, I want to take some time to reflect on the past five years of my life and prospect the next year or so.

Given that everything goes according to plan, I will graduate this May with a degree in Computer Science. After a three month period of job searching that started last September, I accepted a role as software engineer for a startup in San Francisco. I am surrounded by empathetic, passionate, and sincere friends, and I have experienced nearly everything I wanted to in university. I failed a course, struggled with identity, joined clubs I love, rode the bus home with friends, flew across the country to work, played intramural sports, made friends, lost friends, crammed for exams, had dinners on campus, learned about anime and manga for a class, and even started a band. So much happened in these five years, and while I will encounter similar experiences throughout the rest of my life, I will never experience this again.

All these moments make up a large part of who I am today. Without a doubt I am a much different person than when I started university. Five years ago, I had no idea what the future held in store for me. Five years later, I am in the same position. The difference is that I feel more equipped to take on the next five years, and these five years are more prone to change, which excites and frightens me. Who knows, maybe after a few years I end up working in another city or move back home.

There are many feelings that come into the mix when I think about this “transition point” of my life. I’m happy that I made it to this point and I’m proud of the person that I’ve become. Inevitably there are moments that I regret and wish I could do over, but my character is one who went through those. Accepting that we can’t go back and “fix” things is accepting who you are.

This has been more a blurb on thoughts that have recently taken up head space, so while it may lack cohesion it is also a part of the struggle to put my feelings to words. With that said, thanks for reading and I’ll see you again soon :)

Fulfillment

A clumsy but accurate summation of my final year in university can be made in one word: fulfilling. I am barely 3 months into this school year and it is as if a lifetime has passed. I have started thinking about what makes this year different from the previous 4. Normally I avoid dissecting my happiness in fear of destroying its source, but I am confident in its current presence.

I have stumbled into a core group of friends that I see nearly everyday. Often in friend groups I am afraid my position is temporary, but I have only felt continual growth and deepening in our friendships. Like the facets on a jewel, I discover new sides of each person and cherish each one as I have. The best friend groups form organically, like molecules colliding perfectly to create a reaction. I am eternally grateful to have been there at the right time. This year I feel as though I have found my stride. While my future after graduation is still up in the air, it feels in reach. There is an unmeasurable difference between confidence and helplessness in the face of uncertainty. As someone who used to believe the "important" things were out of their control, this means an incredible amount. I find I am more receptive of new experiences and people, and that has made every day special. Within the nwPlus team I have tried extending my role. Though my official title is as Development Director, I am also doing my best to be a culture leader. My first year with the nwPlus team was unforgettable, largely in part to the senior members. This year I want to give back what I received two years ago. The result is an incredible team culture and many new experiences with new people. The thesis of my undergraduate degree is being built upon my very own eyes. In approximately 5 months the curtains will draw on my university experience. That being said, if the first 3 months were any indication, I am sure the next 5 will be even more vivid and fulfilling.

the return

It's been a minute hasn't it?

Enough significant events have happened to my personal life and to the world that I'll never be able to write about them all here. I don't have the tact or the social awareness to cover global topics properly, so I'll leave that to the professionals and write on what I can: myself.

To put it briefly, since the last time I posted:

• the world was hit with the COVID-19 pandemic
• my first co-op with Vidyard went remote and was extended for 4 months
• I went back to Vancouver mid-pandemic to complete my co-op term
• I took up another co-op term with Opencare in September
• my hair grew significantly longer

There are multiple draft posts that I'm looking to revive, so expect some nwHacks 2020 and SAD content soon! I'm excited to take up blogging once more, as I've felt my creativity and writing skills have deteriorated over the past year.

Last week I completed the last day to my year of co-op work, and classes don't begin for a while so I'll also try to put a fresh coat of paint on the blog in the downtime. Look forward to it, and you will hear from me soon!

tales from the kitchen

Back in December I was offered a position as a software developer co-op (basically an internship) with a company in Kitchener, Ontario. At the time I didn't expect it at all. When I received the interview offer I was thrilled but also anxious at the thought of having to move away. I thought, "I'll cross this bridge if I get the job!" and it turns out I crossed more than just a bridge.

I traveled a few thousand kilometers to Toronto, then hopped on a bus to complete the trip to the Kitchener-Waterloo area, and the rest is history (albeit very recent and still in progress history). Work has been great to me (will likely make a post reflecting on my time here at some point), the place I'm staying is super convenient, and everything has been pretty darn superb.

Things that have surprised me so far:

- people here are missing out on the great opportunity to call Kitchener "the kitchen"

- the light rail here is on the ground

- there aren't a lot of Asian people here (outside of students at the university)

- culture wise there doesn't seem to be too much difference from what I can tell

- somebody from my high school lives a block away from me

- I don't mind eating the same things every day, but I enjoy cooking different meals

And so it has been just about 6 weeks into my time here in Eastern Canada and sometimes it still doesn't quite feel real to me. I'll be walking back home, in the freezing cold, watching my breath disappear into the sky, and I'll feel like tearing up for some reason. Maybe it's because I never anticipated achieving so much, or having the fortune of such a pleasant chapter in my life.

I do miss home, family, friends, and the comforts of Vancouver (the food is much better back home), but the learning and growing experience has been unmatched to anything before. With confidence I can say that I will be a better, stronger, and more well-rounded person when I go back home.

That's all that I have to say for now, I hope you enjoyed that little peek into what I've been up to lately! Thank you for reading, tune in next time for how Western Canada's largest hackathon went and my goals for the esports club :))

here we go again

It's been a wild almost four months since my last post and (as you can guess) a lot of very important things have transpired since then. There is far too much to stick into one post and I'll be breaking them up and writing separate pieces on them throughout the next bit. This has the added bonus of allowing me to focus in on one thing and thoughtfully and fully write about it.

Without further ado, here is a TLDR of sorts on what I've been up to!
- I moved to Waterloo, Ontario to do a co-op work term for 4 (potentially 8) months
- nwHacks 2020
- UBC Esports plans
- my week of fame on Subtle Asian Dating
- a lot of thinking (self-confidence, productivity, personal goals)

Everything has recency bias to it, but if anything else significant comes up I'll write about it! It's getting late so I'll leave it at that - see you soon!

where did i go

i'm back!

Howdy! A lot has happened in the last bit and it's finally time to write about it. I haven't made the time to update this blog and I realize that I'm missing one of my favourite channels to reflect and express myself. I'll try to come back more often but no promises :)

Between the last time we left off and now so many things have changed! I solo traveled Japan for two weeks (full post on that coming soon^TM), went to Seattle the weekend I came back, got more involved with nwPlus and UBCEA, and throughout it all I've been meeting new and old friends and having a genuinely fun time. I had enough beach days to fill a dozen summers, loads of barbecues and good times in the summer evening, movie nights indoors and outdoors, and many many other fun days.

This summer and the month and a half of school has been one of the most intense and exciting times of my life. I had a variety of different experiences, most good, but some extremely stressful. Right now I can say that I am far from content with who I am, and I have come to see that this is a good thing, a great thing even. I have not chosen to settle and I'm happy with that.

Honestly I'm not sure what else to say haha, it feels like I'm writing to an old friend. Let's keep things short for the time being and see where it goes from there. Look forward to my Japan 2019 recap and everything else that comes your way! See you around in (hopefully) less than a couple of months!

run #2 + some other stuff

run #2

July 22 I went for another run, nice and (kinda) early in the morning. I felt my breathing was more controlled and deliberate this time around, however my body was still screaming and sore from the last run. I made the first 1.6 km without having to stop but just barely so, clocking in at about an eight minute run. I then ran the two 0.8 km portions with a break in between.

My recovery was faster and better this time around, and while I ended up running the same distances there has been some progress. Obviously I won't see results immediately but I am still frustrated.

On the way back I took a different route and I realized that I need to change up the scenery when I can. It was refreshing not knowing exactly what to expect, and I look forward to taking completely different routes in the future.


the bird coop

Later in the day I went to school to help with some UBC Esports Association things and ended up going to the Bird Coop, one of two gyms on campus. Now I've always been intimidated by the Bird Coop - everybody there is pretty ripped and it did not look friendly.

I went with our very own club President and you know what? It was not bad at all. He already knew a lot of regulars there but everybody treated me very nicely and it felt really good. Mr. President graciously bestowed his back and bicep workout to me and I had one of the most fulfilling workout sessions.


garibaldi lake

Up on the menu for July 23 was an early morning hike to Garibaldi Lake. I went with Alex, Amanda, and Ashly, who I had previously done Grouse Grind with. I got picked up for the hour and a half drive up north and we were off! We arrived and started the ascent around 9:00am, arriving at the lake around 12:00pm. We had planned to hike Panorama Ridge at first, however after seeing how gassed we were by the time we got to the lake, we decided against it. After taking in the amazing view and having some lunch we made our way back down and headed off home.

We met a really cool trio from Washington who were spending some nights there, Alex was doing most of the talking but he snagged their Instagram handles and they suggested that we head down to hike with them some time. In general all the hikers we passed were extremely friendly - one group even allowed us to use their bug spray (thank you) after we realized that the flies up there are awful.

While I'm not keen to do the hike again for a while, I would like to revisit some time and do an overnight trip after hiking Panorama Ridge! The hike is pretty grueling and somewhat monotonous, but I overall enjoyed it.


the ultimate ending

I got home with time to spare before my ultimate game and I was already sweaty so I figured, "Why not?" and did a quick ab workout. I don't know where I pulled this random energy from, but while I was showering there was a sense of power or something that I had some control over myself. It was like, "I just hiked for 7 hours, my legs burn, my back and arms are sore from the workout, and I just did an ab workout."

After the shower I got picked up by Sarah to head to an ultimate game in the evening. We lost both of our games and I was close to letting my legs give out, but I feel that I played well considering everything.

And that's about it! I've been keeping myself pretty busy and I'm not sure if I've had the proper time to think deeply and properly about the breakup, but maybe I don't need to do that. Maybe this is just it. It still hurts, but I'll be okay.

Goodnight everybody!

run #1

For the past month or so I've been seeing someone, and two days ago she broke up with me. As far as breakups go, it was pretty alright. We talked about everything and (hopefully) said everything we had to say.

Yesterday I had some high school friends over for board games night.

Today I went for a run, the first of many to come.

We always talked about going on runs together (she's athletic and works out often), but we opted instead for mornings spent together making pancakes and evenings lounging on the couch watching Netflix. While watching we'd snack on something, Doritos or ice cream or whatever.

As I was running this morning, I thought about this.

I looked for some beautiful message, some irony. It was ironic that I only felt compelled to run after we had broken up. It was poetic that I was running off the Doritos and ice cream and whatever, a symbol of our relationship. It was an angry message - "I don't need you, I'll make you regret that you broke up with me."

But instead I felt nothing.

I thought about us. I thought about the comfort I felt and how I would never get to experience it with her again. I thought about how we'll never finish This is Us or the second season of The End of the F***ing World. No more Black Mirror. No more snack time, pancake burning, fried rice, ultimate playing, frustrating over her APSC lab, going "yuck" at the full compost, early mornings, late nights, "Hey Google, turn off the lights", fighting for the blanket, "good morning", "good night", and "good bye".

But the nice thing about running is that if you run hard, hard enough that you can't even breathe, everything kinda slips away. You still think it, but it doesn't sting as much, because you've got something else to worry about.

It's weird how everything that I do now has a renewed purpose to it. Everything is clear - I need to eat breakfast, I need to do this so that I feel happy, I need to do... whatever it is I need to do.

Each step is a step forward for me. Today I ran a total of 3.2 km, taking breaks at 1.6 km and 2.4 km. I'm not sure how many kilometers it will take for me to finish this run, but I know that I get stronger with each step and day. When I took a break at 2.4km, I thought, "I'm worthless, I'm weak, I can't even run any more, MOVE LEGS," but I realized that I can't run it all in one go.

I need breaks. I need water. I can walk and chill for a bit, admire the scenery. Even if I run in the other direction, it's still steps, and I'l learn from my missteps. I'll take my time, but I'll also run.

See you on the next run.

my linearity

These days have been so incredibly busy.

It was pretty late at night, so the bus that I'd usually hop on for five minutes to get home wasn't running as frequently. The weather was nice, the warm and sweet summer air swallowed me up, and I didn't mind taking a little bit of a walk home.

It had been a while since I had walked down this road by myself. Usually when I do, I like to talk to the cars zooming by and give updates on several major aspects of my life: school, extracurriculars, work, family, friends, and love. Talking out loud will do more than thinking to myself ever will.

So I started with school. I am currently taking MATH 200, which is proving to be difficult not because of the course content, but because of a lack of discipline. I brushed it off, making the empty promise that I would work harder from now on.

I moved onto extracurriculars. I touched on how I felt accomplished that I was working with the UBC Esports Association and nwPlus, and how it was surreal that I was in pretty high-level positions for both of them. I thought about the sheer number of raw hours I've given to the clubs, how I would spend evenings at school for meetings later on.

And here it came crashing down on me.

I realized. I realized that I have been tricking myself all along.

I wasted those hours. You see, how my evenings have been playing out for me have been:

1. get off class at 12pm

2. do stuff until meeting

3. go to meeting (usually around 6pm)

4. go home

5. repeat

I have been using the hours between 12 - 6pm for absolutely nothing. I'll start off pretending to do "valuable" work for whatever club and then screw off and do something that is near useless, then throw it all under the blanket and call it "club work". I'm no selfless saint, I don't do anything productive in those hours and I've been ignorant enough to label that time as "work done".

I can't tell you how crushed I felt when this epiphany came to me. It's not that I didn't have enough time - it's that I wasn't using it efficiently. I could have been doing math homework or writing up more stuff for either of the clubs, but instead I'd play Smash or go get food even though my mom packed me lunch. I was angry at myself and I felt so pathetic. I didn't deserve to be considered "busy". I let it all get to my head that I was suddenly one of those "important" people who had meetings every other day and were busy all the time.

For the rest of the walk home I beat myself up like this. I think I've always dealt with my problems like this - I am my own harshest critic (as it should be).

But I think there is a silver lining to it all.

A little over a year ago, I would have been ecstatic to be where I am right now: in the process of going on co-op, heavily involved in two clubs that do work for things that I am passionate about, I have friends who I love and trust, and everything seems to be going fine. Yet I still can't be happy. I said this to myself with a smirk, and I think that I might never be truly content with who I am.

This is a good thing though! It means that there will always be more room for improvement and growth, and that I won't settle. Right now I'm still unrefined and there is a justified reason for me to be unhappy with myself so I am not sure if this trend will continue even when I have "settled down" in life (if there is such thing), but oh well.

Anyhoo, that's all from me tonight. Sorry that this post isn't the most coherent, but I hope that you gained something valuable from it! I still need to draft up my May 2019 post so look forward to that as well :))

April 2019

Welcome back to another monthly summary! We got through another exciting month filled with finals and extracurriculars and now it's time to look back and reflect on everything that's happened the last 30 days. I'm really excited to share with you so thank you for stopping by :))

The Really Tough Week
April 7 - 14

Taking my Google Calendar and throwing it into a table we'd get the following:

April 7 - Work
April 8 - Co-op interview
April 9 - UBCEA meeting + studying + REVEAL meeting
April 10 - MATH 105 Final
April 11 - CPSC 320 Final + PSYC 307 Final
April 12 - Making dumplings with the OL squad
April 13 - nwPlus interview, UBCEA event, Oliver's birthday dinner
April 14 - Kai's birthday dinner

Everything ended up being packed into this week and at the beginning I had no idea how I would get through it, but I did! I took the days one by one as they came and made it out alive on the other end. To quickly go over everything:

Work was fine as usual, it was a shorter shift than usual so not bad at all. The co-op interview was really good for me, my interviewer made it so easy to talk to her and I've never had such a smooth interview experience in my life. I only hope that I can be like her one day when it comes to conducting interviews.

This picture has nothing to do with what I'm talking about but I felt bad for
giving you a block of text so here you go :)

The meetings on the 9th went by pretty routinely as well, and the rest of this day was dedicated to studying for my PSYC 307 exam with a cool little study group that I'll talk more about very shortly! It was overall a really fun night and we all got to destress after studying with some pho.

The MATH 105 final came and went. It was difficult but I ended up with a passing grade (better than last year at least) so it's time for me to move onto MATH 200 in the summer and work hard to pass that course.

As often is the case with computer science classes (and CPSC 320 not being an exception) I found it difficult to study for the final. For me most the learning in these very abstract and conceptual classes happens primarily in class when we are going over content, so studying felt more like reviewing. My CPSC 320 mark still hasn't come out yet but fingers crossed that I did alright!

PSYC 307 was honestly a wildcard for me. I took the course on a whim because my friend was taking it and I actually ended up failing the first midterm (before it got curved, thank goodness). It was my first experience with a high-level Arts class and I was not prepared. My second midterm was much much better thanks to motivation to study with aforementioned friend and her friends. They really helped me study for this midterm and the final. I honestly feel like I did pretty poorly on the final, but other students felt the same way so I guess the curve was nice enough to land me an overall grade of 77 :)

With the majority of my finals out of the way it was time to relax. The day after my finals the OL squad went to Kim's place to make dumplings, which was an interesting but very enjoyable experience. Most of us ended up sleeping over in a spur of the moment decision and the morning after I hauled myself to UBC for my...

nwPlus interview! Yes you heard me right, I applied to join another club! The interviewer ended up being a senior from my high school so it was super cool to see her and it was really easy to talk to her. I applied for the position of Marketing Director and (spoiler alert!) I was offered the role of Marketing Coordinator. But more on that later :)

This picture has nothing to do with what I'm talking about but I felt bad for
giving you a block of text so here you go :)

After the interview there was a viewing party for the League of Legends LCS finals (thankfully on campus) so I was there for a while making sure everything ran alright. I was honestly pretty tired at this point and I got cranky, which in retrospect I don't like. I feel like I didn't treat some people right and that I could have been nicer in general. Sleep is important kids.

Once the viewing party was over I met up with my friend Andrea at Commercial station and from there we went to our friend Oliver's birthday dinner! We've been invited to his gatherings before and while it's a little scary because we don't know his friends too well I always have a good time and make the most of it. Sarah (bless her soul) picked us up from the party and then dropped us off at home.

The day after I had some time to recover so when Kai's birthday dinner rolls around I'm feeling up to the task :) I met two new people that night and rekindled with friends I haven't seen in a while. After dinner we headed to an Airbnb that Kai booked and then we watched BBC's The Hunt and played some Wii games. Anson was my bus buddy for the trip back home and it was an enjoyable night overall.

=====

It's crazy to think that so much happened in one week, but it was a week of new and old experiences and one that helped me grow as a person. I've probably said this before, but in the past I was envious of the people who would always say, "Oh I have a meeting this day and I have this that day, sorry I can't make it!" Now that I have somewhat experienced that feeling I feel humbled and surprised - it didn't feel like anything changed from that past me.


We love bowling
April 18

April 18th the Carl's Jr group decided to do something fun now that most of our exams were dealt with and what better recreational activity to do than bowling?!! Somebody had the brilliant idea to come up with a dress theme and we ended up doing our best Hawaiian tourist impressions that Thursday night. It was great getting to see everybody again and I appreciated that we tried something new and fun (not that our usual hangouts aren't a boatload of joy already).


The coworker's weekend
April 19 - 20

The night after bowling there was a work party that I was invited to. I didn't make it out to the last one so I was looking forward to this one. Overall it was a fun and relaxing time, though there were a lot of unfamiliar faces (new people and +1s) so I felt a bit uncomfortable at times. One of my coworkers drove another coworker and I to the nearest station so that we could get home faster and I'm really thankful for that.

One of my coworkers really wanted to go hiking so she planned it out and we ended up going with another coworker and some of her friends to Deep Cove on the morning of April 20th. We met up, made the transit to Deep Cove, and then we were on our way! The weather was pretty moderate, which was good for hiking, and when we reached the summit we had some snacks, took our pictures, and hung out for a bit. Once we got back down we replenished those calories we lost with some ice cream and then we set off back home. A few things that I took away from the experience - Deep Cove is a seriously cool place, I find a lot of enjoyment hiking, and I am out of shape.


Sunday Funday
April 21

The day started off with some much needed ultimate with my VUL team for the upcoming summer. It was really good to see some old faces again and I also realized how out of shape I was. I am so excited to play another season with the SBL family again and I hope that I can also improve my skills as a player.

After the practice I went home, showered, and got ready for... a nwPlus orientation! As spoiled above, I was accepted to the role of Marketing Coordinator and tonight was orientation night. Another friend of mine (Shirley from the OL kids) was also accepted but asides from that I didn't know anybody else who was attending, so I was pretty nervous.

In the beginning it was somewhat awkward, but even then I broke out of my usual habit of staring at my phone in some corner. I made small talk with some people who were just as scared and nervous as I was and then things just happened. There was a weird and newfound comfort going through my body, and I found myself loudly recalling a funny memory with the OL kids to a group of us seated at the couches. What was surprising was how quickly I felt comfortable - it's not a feeling I am used to.

The dinner was great and we ended off the night with some Wii games and some other board games.

Overall I am still somewhat in awe that I am a part of such a cool group. When I was a wee first year I distinctly remember thinking, "Wow I couldn't even dream of being with such a cool and close knit group of people." I am very excited for what my future in nwPlus looks like!


We're going on a trip in our favourite transit system
April 30

Phil, Marcus, Shannon, Meg, and I made a day trip out of April 30, a well needed outing after finals stress had accumulated in our bloodstreams. We met up at some mall in Richmond and then from there we headed to Samsoonie, a Korean restaurant with (what I thought were) pretty large portion sizes. All of us enjoyed our meal and afterwards we headed out to Terra Nova park to walk around and let out the inner kid in all of us. There was a lot of walking but it was balanced out by comfortable conversation and posi vibes.

Afterwards we all headed back to our respective homes. On the way back we stopped by our local and favourite UNIQLO Metrotown to buy some clothes and that about did it for the day. It had been a while since I had done something like this so it was a breath of fresh air for me and I'm glad that we got around to it!


16Personalities

And we've changed (slightly) again! We see more of a balance between extroversion and introversion but that's a closer representation of what I believe to be true. I'm not all too sure what the rest of the changes mean and how they could have come about as a result of April, but ultimately change there was is pretty minimal.


In Conclusion

Sorry for making you all sit through that and posting this a month late. May has absolutely flown by so while you might not see that until the end of June, keep your eyes peeled!

March 2019

We're finally here! As we break the halfway mark of April I'm finally writing a post about March :)))

Storm the Wall
March 25th


A lot of stuff happened in March, but Storm the Wall was definitely one of the greatest highlights of the month. For anybody unfamiliar, Storm the Wall is an event put on by UBC Recreation where students sign up in teams of five and compete a relay course that includes swimming, sprinting, cycling, running, and then scaling a 12-foot high wall.

Some my high school friends and I made a team in the "for fun" division and when the day of our heat came up we just all tried our best and we had a really fun time. As my friend said: "Kevin sprinted this team to victory. Sarah too one for the team with her swim. Jean risked her life for the team on a bike. Grace ran her way from the pool. And Carolyn pulled the team together at the wall." It was a day where I let loose and tried my best. I hadn't done much exercise at all for my second year so the long distance run was taxing on me, but there's that sense of accomplishment when you're completely fueled out and you know you gave it your all.

Highly recommend for every UBC student who is even remotely interested :))) Catch us in a competitive division next year ;^)


Battle of BC 3
March 30th - 31st

As a member of the UBC Esports Association (UBCEA) I had the chance to volunteer for Western Canada's largest Super Smash Bros (SSB) tournament, Battle of BC 3. Going into the two day event, I wasn't sure what to expect; I had never played any SSB game (asides from the after-school Wiimote button mashing at my friend's house) and my knowledge of competitive play was pretty much non-existent.

I went anyways and man was it a blast.

For the majority of the two days I was running the SSB Ultimate ladder, pretty much a place for slightly competitive friendlies. Volunteering in that position was extremely rewarding as I could see right up front what the fruits of my efforts were, and I suppose you can extend that to the nature of games like SSB - having to be there in person to play makes SSB stand out from other games I've had exposure to.

My good friend from high school, Calvin, was also attending the event as a viewer and he taught me a lot about competitive SSB Melee and Ultimate in what little time we spent watching the games together. I also bumped into Jennifer (coincidentally a friend of Calvin and I) at the event, as she was helping take photos, so it was a nice little reunion.


UBCEA things
Most of the month

Very soon into my time as a proper executive of UBCEA I found that I loved the club and its people, and when you love something that way you want to do your best for it. Cheesy stuff aside, it was around March when elections were coming up and I had to start thinking about what role I wanted to take on next year.

Eventually I set myself on a Vice President position and resigned myself to taking whatever department was left untouched in the pre-election scramble. As the dust started settling it seemed like I would be going for VP External, however after some discussion with other members of UBCEA I set my sights on the role of VP Human Resources.

When all was said and done, I ended up running unopposed. So there's my announcement - I am officially the next UBCEA VP Human Resources! I am very excited to take on this role in the cub and I hope that I will be able to help the club in a significant and meaningful way.


My 16Personalities Test!
I forgot this so here it is now - April 27th 2019

I changed! By the end of January I was slightly more introverted, however since then it seems that I've become slightly more extroverted (not to mention assertive). This is definitely hindsight bias, but there are multiple things that probably contributed to this change.

I didn't write about this because it slipped my mind, but I did this little project thing on my Instagram called "Reflections" where I posted a picture of myself in a mirror every day alongside a thought I had that day. Historically I've never really liked the way I looked in photos, so the positive response to the picture and my thoughts definitely boosted my self-image. That in tandem with Battle of BC 3 and my campaign as VP HR definitely drew out the more outgoing, confident, and extroverted side of me.

Guess we'll see by April if this is just a fluke or if it might be here to stay ;^)

Wrapping things up!

The OL squad got together for our now monthly gatherings and it's always really good to see them from time to time (spoiler alert: we also hang out in April). Asides from that there were a few food related events: a potluck with UBCEA, a hotpot with some good friends, and dinner and watching How to Train Your Dragon 3 with some other good friends!

Lots of fun things happened in March and I made some really awesome memories :)

As an aside, I feel that only having these monthly recaps is somewhat bland, so I'll try to switch it up and write some posts that don't sound like the answer a six year old gives when you ask him how his day went. Catch you around in the next post!

February 2019

Holy moly this post is about a month too late, but here we are!

February 2019 was a month full of new experiences for me - I was out of my comfort zone a lot and I am proud of myself for doing that. It definitely didn't feel as "busy" as January, but it was still a pretty decently crowded month!

BizHacks 2019

We kick off the very first day of February with BizHacks 2019! The entire event was pretty exciting and though my team and I went in blind we resurfaced on the other side with a whole new experience under our belts. For the uninitiated, BizHacks is the lovechild of a traditional hackathon and case competition - you can choose from a selection of cases released on the day of the competition and develop a solution within x hours.

My team consisted of Candice, Daniel, Heather, Raymond, and I, with me being the only tech-oriented member. For us we had 24 hours to rack our brains at UBC, and we had no idea what the next 24+ hours had in store for us.

We check in at about 4pm and after settling in and doing a bit of room scouting we have dinner at 6pm. At this point it's only four out of five pieces of Exodia as Candice is away doing a midterm, but by the time she arrives at 8pm we've got a pretty good idea of which cases we want to tackle. With all members present we go full throttle into building our solution until around 11:30pm.

We take a break from the work to ask a mentor for his input on our work so far and he reacts very positively to it. Team morale skyrockets and we decide to ask another mentor for a second opinion.

And that's when The Great Calamity happens.

The second mentor (nothing against him at all, he helped bring us back into reality) absolutely picks apart our approach to the case, with the main critique being a lack of technological innovation.

We've got about 16 hours left in the competition at this point so all hope isn't lost, but we get pretty mopey and depressed after that roller coaster of emotion. Heather retreats to slumber soon after and the rest of us try to do some damage control in a futile attempt.

This part is pretty much a blur to me; I felt awful because I had just been eating pepperoni sticks, beef jerky, and granola bars the entire night, I didn't bring my toothbrush, and I'm pretty sure I was dehydrated. Around 2am the rest of us follow Heather's lead and try to get some sleep in hopes that we can wake up and do something in the morning. Raymond fashions a bed out of the chairs, as does Candice, and I sit in one and shut my eyes.

I manage to fall asleep for about half an hour before I wake up again. My rustling alerts Daniel, who is still awake at this point. Before we had given up to go sleep we had been talking about how to incentivize customers to install our app, so uses a still half asleep me as a board to bounce ideas off of.

At some point I get frustrated and start working on a mockup of an app, just so that we have something to hand in when the competition ends at 4pm, and well, things just took off from there. The app looks alright and as the other members wake up they are on board. By 8am we are back in working mode, with each of us working away at some part of our presentation.

In retrospect our idea was not groundbreaking or super cool, but we pulled off something. We made a (in my opinion) killer presentation and while maybe our submission was not anything special, I think the audience really liked the way we put it out. I feel bad for letting the team down in terms of the tech, but in the end it is what it is, and I am glad I had the chance to do the event with them.

Unfortunately we didn't make it onto the second round, but I learned a lot of things from BizHacks 2019. I learned that you definitely need an experienced "techie" (which I was not) for any hackathon-related events. I learned that team morale is a very important thing and you should never overwork yourself because you will just burn out. I learned that a diet of various cured meats and clementines will make your stomach unhappy. And I learned that you should always bring a toothbrush and change of comfortable clothes to these things.

You can feel the despair

Thanks again to my favourite OLs

David, Kim, Shirley, Tiff, you guys are awesome. It's crazy to think that I might have never met you guys if it weren't for the fact that I became a Transfer Orientation Leader because I have so much fun whenever I'm with you all.

I already wrote about my adventures in February with these kids, but I just wanted to express my gratitude one more time (also they are now aware of the existence of this blog). Thanks again! I know I say it a lot here, but my life is so much better because of you.


Quickfire round + teasers for March

Alright it's getting kinda late for me so let's fire through the rest of February!

The UBCLOL team hosted UBC Cup League of Legends on February 16 and 17. It was a fun time overall and although we could have done a few things better it was overall well done :) Congratulations to the UBC Premiere team for winning the tournament and shout out to the UBCLOL team for their hard work (and Andrew for driving there and home, god bless). While we're still on the topic of UBCEA, I'm excited to make an announcement in my next post ;)

Austin, Philman, Sarah, and I recorded a podcast episode! It's been something we always joked about doing but we finally did it over the spring reading break. Austin brought his equipment over to my place and podcast aside, it was super fun to dedicate some time to talk about random things with people I love spending time with.

And to finish it off I played some volleyball during the last weekend of February. My love for volleyball has somewhat resurfaced, but I'm still pretty rough around the edges so it's been a learning experience for me. It feels amazing to spend a few hours at some remote volleyball center and just get away from the everyday stress of school and work.


March coming soon :))

February was hard to type up so I'm pretty surprised that I finished all of it just now. Overall a very solid month from me. I did not do the 16Personalities test at the end of February so we will be missing one month of data, but I will do one tomorrow (I guess today now) for March for sure.

Thank you for tuning in and sorry for the one month wait. Look forward to seeing you back here for our March post :)))

the weekend

The weekend of February 8 - 10 was one of the most jam packed, balls to the wall and turbulent experiences of my life. It was a ton of fun and looking back at it, none of it seems "real" so I want to write about it here in order to be able to look back at the memory fondly.

february 8

One of my lovely friends, Kim, who I met through being an Orientation Leader (OL) spontaneously invited our group to go up to Cypress and ski/snowboard. At first I didn't think too much of it - I've never been too big on snow-related activities and I assumed that I wouldn't end up going.

But it happened.

They somehow coaxed me into going and before I knew it I was calling my aunt to see if she had any snowboarding gear and wear for me to borrow. She pulled through and I couldn't wait for classes to end. David (another friend I've made from my OL adventures) and I bused from campus to meet up with Kim and from there we began our ride to Cypress. I had the pleasure of meeting one of Kim's friends, Annie, as well.

On the ride there we blasted what I like to call "oldies but goodies", songs from the 2000s. They have this magic that makes you feel young and free again. I think one of my favourite things about spending time with people who are slightly older than me is our shared tastes in music.

We made it up to the mountain eventually and from there time passed in a blur. One second I was grabbing my rental snowboard and gear and then the next I was falling flat on my face in the snow. It was my absolute first time snowboarding (same goes for David), but Kim has been doing it for a while so she tried her best to teach us the ropes (bless her soul). I had a lot of fun, though it was frustrating at times! It felt exhilarating to learn something completely new and adrenaline packed as snowboarding.

After a few hours of snowboarding, we headed back down the mountain with smiles and again, "oldies but goodies". We hit up my favourite ramen place, Ramen Danbo, for a late evening post-snowboarding meal and then it was time to head home. Kim insisted on driving me to the bus stop, but we were running a little late and just as we pulled up to the bus stop the bus left.

I was about to give up and ask them to drop me off to wait for the next one in 15 minutes, but somebody said something and next thing I knew we were chasing the bus. Tailing the bus for a minute or two (but what seemed like eternity), we finally caught up to it as it pulled up to a stop. I scrambled out of the car with thanks and goodbyes and I made my fastest sprint of the year to the bus. I got on successfully, shot them a text saying so, and I was on my way home.

Looking back at it, I am really glad that I ended up going. I actually bought a Gold Medal Card so I'm committed to going at least once more with them, but from this experience I wouldn't mind that ;)

february 9

Waking up I immediately notice that everything was sore. I had plans to meet up with David and the other people in our OL group who didn't go skiing - Shirley and Tiffany - in the afternoon, but fortunately we all agreed to push it later in the day.

At some point in the afternoon I arrive at David's place and Shirley and Tiffany join us shortly after. We get some chicken nuggets and settle into the main event of the day: Settlers of Catan. It's one of the first (and only to be honest) board games we played as a group and we always use it as a catalyst to gather and hang out.

Anyways, we play a game (Tiffany won) and then chat a bit about life. I always enjoy talking to these people because they have a different perspective and air from who I am usually around. I think it partly comes from them being a little older, but more just their personalities. I like it because we talk about things that make me want to be a better person and achieve greater things.

David and Shirley have a volleyball intramural match to attend and I have a meeting, so we disperse for our respective activities. Tiffany tags along with the other two to watch their game. I get to my meeting and we talk about setting up for the UBC Cup League of Legends tournament coming up next weekend. Overall the meeting could have been a bit more focused or productive, but I think it went well.

The other three finish their volleyball game and pick up food since I'm still in the meeting. Once I'm done I meet up with them at the Nest and we eat and talk. We finish eating and I remember that I still have math WebWork to finish, so David suggests that we all do it together for fun. I didn't think it would be that fun, but there was definitely something comedic about four students huddled around a laptop arguing about integrals and other math-y terms. With their help we finished my assignment and I was free for the rest of the night.

Shirley actually was planning to go to drop-in badminton, but we just kept talking and talking, then we said we wanted to play Smash Ultimate so that happened. Eventually we passed the point of no return and we ended up hanging out for the rest of the night. Sorry Shirley (but thanks)!

Basically I spent the whole day with a bunch of goofs but we had fun and that's all that matters.

february 10

I've noticed lately that waking up in the morning for work has gotten more and more difficult, and today was no exception. For a moment I consider calling in sick but I dispel that thought and force myself to get ready. I spend too much time preparing myself for the day that I miss the bus so I ask my mom to drive me to work. Even so I arrive a few minutes late and man I was ready to have a bad day at work, but I underestimate how happy my coworkers make me feel.

A huge thank you to whoever made my work schedule that day - it was really chill and the day passed by like a breeze. I genuinely enjoyed my day at work. I walk outside and the world has changed! In the morning the weather was relatively "normal" but after spending 8+ hours cooped up inside the mall I didn't see the beginnings of Vancouver's first snow of 2019. The whole thing feels magical and there's some instinctual joy in being warm on the bus as I work my way back home.


thanks for reading!

The entries for the 8th and 9th were actually written the day after the weekend, however my creative juices dried out by the time I finished them so this post has been sitting in my drafts for a while. Finally got around to finishing it though :) A lot of more exciting things have happened this month and I really want to talk about them! At the very least they will be mentioned in the monthly summary if I don't find the motivation to write a dedicated post for them.

See you next time!

January 2019

This month flew by really quickly and if time keeps passing like this I will be done uni before I know it (admittedly that's terrifying). Every day has been different and special in some way and I hope that trend will continue into February and onward. There were a lot of different things happening, but here are the major elements of my January 2019.


UBC eSports Association

By far this month saw more participation and time dedicated to the club. One of my favourite things about our president is the work she puts into setting up casual dinners for our executive team. Those dinners have helped me come out of my shell and become drastically more comfortable with other members of the team. I also started taking more shifts watching over the gaming lounge, which combined with the nights out make up most of my involvement with the club.

More importantly though, my mindset and attitude about the UBC eSports Association changed. I have become complacent with my contributions to the group and I believe that I can be doing much more. The League of Legends community does not feel as alive as it should be for a school of our size, and I used to pin blame on the community for not coming out to the events when I should have been criticizing myself. How can I blame the people for not wanting to go to events they don't like?

With this current understanding I hope to strengthen my resolve and reignite my passion of improving the League of Legends community. Even now I am thinking, "I'll leave it to next year, this year is done for," but I remind myself of this proverb: The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.


Off-White

One important part of my growth was learning how to be single. For obvious reasons I struggled with the absence of a partner during the months (year maybe?) after my breakup, but the effects resonate to this day. Up until very recently (two weeks ago) I had this notion that I was a relatively attractive partner. I was confused as to how my romantic life was somehow more dull than the off-white walls of my room.

At some point I thought, "Well if people aren't attracted to me, then it's probably me." Just out of the blue. My theory is that I tried way too hard to make myself seem like a good partner, but to be honest I can't even say this with conviction.

So I am going to do what has always worked for me - stop worrying about it. I'm less than halfway through my time at university. I shouldn't worry about it so I won't. One might call this running away, maybe it is, but to me the act of actively restraining my behaviours is tackling on the problem head on.


16Personalities

An idea I had for these monthly summaries was to do the 16Personalities test when I write them and compare how I change over the year. While the test is not entirely accurate, it does give a rough gauge of one's personality. I'm looking forward to seeing if any cool changes happen and I hope you are too!

Historically I have been a mediator more often than not, but I was surprised to see this result after January. I feel like I changed a significant amount this month, especially in my understanding of how others viewed me. Though it is the pilot month so we will have to wait another month before the fruits of our efforts are revealed.

Things to improve and honourable mentions

Dude my dedication and discipline regarding school sucks.

People around me are seriously smart and I need to work hard to catch up. That's all (well not for what I need to improve, but this glaring issue of mediocre academic performance needs to stop).

Honourable mentions for significant parts of January: ultimate intramurals have started up again and it helps so much with my physical and mental health, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse was really good, not having morning classes is bliss, and there may or may not be a podcast next time you visit here :)

See you all in Feburary.