Cold Weather Is Nice.
I like it whenever it's cold enough to see your breath in the air. It's like this wonderful little puffy cloud, and you realize that it's you. That breath was made by you. The cold weather enables you to see your breath, and that in itself reassures you that you are still alive and that life is still worth living, just because you can breath easy. It's a shame that it's only a short walk to school for me.
Hopefully it'll snow. I like snow. The sound that it makes whenever you crunch and pack it against the ground. It's very nice.
Day Three
The Apex tryouts were pretty good. The first day I was very nervous and I couldn't play properly. I guess it was just because of all the intimidating people and the new environment. However today I calmed down and relaxed a bit and just played. I think I did much better today than yesterday. I've settled into the group and although I don't quite fit in yet, I hope that if I do make the team that they'll welcome me.
Anyhow, off to day three tomorrow.
Little Things
Life is full of little things now. I'll try to update every now and then, but it seems to be going pretty smoothly right now. I keep on finding new things to blog about, but then I never make up the blog post for it, so I end up forgetting about what I was going to write about. A few days ago I came across this really good topic, but as of now I cannot recall what it was. Maybe it'll come back to me in time.
Life is... simple. I like it the way it is. 8.
"What's right isn't always popular. What's popular isn't always right." - Howard Cosell
November 28, 2013
November 25, 2013
Apex
Apex tryouts are coming up on Wednesday and I'm actually pretty excited about it. It's something new to the week, and if I made the team it would just mean so much (I'll probably kill myself for writing this if I don't make it, but eh).
Many people have showed some support towards me trying out for Apex, and I'm glad that I'll be walking in with that in mind. Along with the tryouts, I also might bump into a few friends at the first tryout (which is located at Van Tech), so that's another thing to look forward to. Tryouts span over three days (Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday), so it'll be something to keep me busy for the next while (and that's all that matters now).
What Else...?
I was appalled by what happened today in the last block. I heard rumours going around about some sort of "sex ed" assembly for the ninth graders around lunch and asked my third block teacher about it (because my last block is a grade 10 block). She confirmed it and I asked to excused from my math class. The announcements went on calling for the boys to go to the dance studio and the girls tot he library. Anyhow, that sets the back story.
There were two bodies of chairs, each being about five by six. Being the first there I grabbed a seat near the middle rows in the right side. My friend (let's just call him A for simplicity and privacy) quickly filled in and my other friend (you can probably guess, B) went in after him, making me closest to the outside.
So over the course of last year and what has been the span of this year so far, I've heard that B was being picked on and was left out because of something (details of that I wouldn't share if I knew). However I didn't know how bad it was. Some other guys started throwing stuff at B and I don't know if I imagined it or anything, but it looked like he was on the verge of tears.
I actually felt like just picking a fight with the guys over on the other side, but that's not exactly the best way of solving stuff, so I just said quietly for B to switch seats with me and he sat between me and A (who had shifted to the outermost chair). And that was that. I feel good about what I did. I think I did the right thing.
Going To Cram Study
Chemistry test tomorrow means cram studying tonight. I'll probably just review a lot of Hebden AP Chem notes and barely get an A on the test tomorrow. Organic chem is just something that I don't particularly like. Actually, maybe I do, but I just don't spend enough time getting to know it. Kind of like first impressions.
Here's an early goodnight for you (goodnight!). It's been a nice day today. Weather's also very cold, but pretty. I'm an 8 today. Slowly getting there, but I don't think I'll ever be a 10. Who knows though?
"Time is the fairest and toughest judge." - Edgar Quinet
November 22, 2013
No, I Have Not Died
It'd Be Interesting If I Did Though
I'm sure the majority of people who have had spare time and nothing to have thought about this. What would the world be like without me? A lot of times I take this question and think about it in two ways. a) how the world would have been if I never existed and b) how the world would be if I died, but had existed. It's something that I will never know, but am dying (haha, get it?) to know the answer to. Sure, I can guess, but I can't say for sure. The bad thing is that I usually take the most interest in things that I will never figure out the answer to. Silly me.
And if you're one of those few people who have never thought about this question, go ahead and give it a try. It kind of puts a value on your life and shows you how much you've impacted the people and world around you. I'm afraid of dying without doing anything significant.
Birthdays
So if you didn't know, I recently turned 14 (whoopie). I mean, yeah, it's great and all that I'm now 14, but I really dislike birthdays to the point where I wish I could just stay home for the whole day. When I think about it, I actually don't like many holidays. I know it sounds kind of clichéd, but why isn't everyday like a holiday? Why on this one day must we put on masks and pretend to be happy when we're just downright depressed?
Although some people may be genuinely happy for some holidays, I am not. I find no reason to celebrate a day that is just like any other. Yes, I'll take part in all the traditions and stuff, but I'm just another person wearing a mask. However it's much more intimidating when everybody's wearing the mask and I'm the only one who isn't.
Too much attention I guess.
That Concludes This Post
Sorry for not posting for a while. I just forgot about it for a bit and was caught up in the events of the past week. Actually this week has been pretty busy in terms of work and obligations. Then again, it hasn't been a bad week. Not at all.
I'm a 7 today. Ambiguity is very interesting.
"Know or listen to those who know." - Baltasar Gracian
I'm sure the majority of people who have had spare time and nothing to have thought about this. What would the world be like without me? A lot of times I take this question and think about it in two ways. a) how the world would have been if I never existed and b) how the world would be if I died, but had existed. It's something that I will never know, but am dying (haha, get it?) to know the answer to. Sure, I can guess, but I can't say for sure. The bad thing is that I usually take the most interest in things that I will never figure out the answer to. Silly me.
And if you're one of those few people who have never thought about this question, go ahead and give it a try. It kind of puts a value on your life and shows you how much you've impacted the people and world around you. I'm afraid of dying without doing anything significant.
So if you didn't know, I recently turned 14 (whoopie). I mean, yeah, it's great and all that I'm now 14, but I really dislike birthdays to the point where I wish I could just stay home for the whole day. When I think about it, I actually don't like many holidays. I know it sounds kind of clichéd, but why isn't everyday like a holiday? Why on this one day must we put on masks and pretend to be happy when we're just downright depressed?
Although some people may be genuinely happy for some holidays, I am not. I find no reason to celebrate a day that is just like any other. Yes, I'll take part in all the traditions and stuff, but I'm just another person wearing a mask. However it's much more intimidating when everybody's wearing the mask and I'm the only one who isn't.
Too much attention I guess.
That Concludes This Post
Sorry for not posting for a while. I just forgot about it for a bit and was caught up in the events of the past week. Actually this week has been pretty busy in terms of work and obligations. Then again, it hasn't been a bad week. Not at all.
I'm a 7 today. Ambiguity is very interesting.
"Know or listen to those who know." - Baltasar Gracian
November 16, 2013
Searching
Searching For... Something
It's a funny thing, but it's also a great way to explain the lost feeling you get in life sometimes. You're just searching for something, but you don't know what that something is. If I try to explain it, I guess that what I really mean is that people look for something because they feel like they're missing something. Kind of like you've had your memory wiped, but you remember the specific qualities of a person and being unable to put a name to that person.
I think it's an adequate way to explain what I feel right now. It might be a good way for you to explain how you're feeling this moment. But in the end you'll find that something. If it was what you wanted, or what you needed, I don't know, but you'll find it.
Life Is Fun.
Look, it's probably just another boost of random optimism, but it feels like life is fun. Sure, we get all these obstacles that we have to clear, but that's the essence of life isn't it? Life just wouldn't be life without all the complication that is involved in it. I mean, why else would we complicate our lives? As I said, might just be a mood swing thing, but life is fun.
So if you ever get down or depressed, just remember that something has to happen, and that eventually that'll lead you to somewhere else.
Goodnight It Is
It's getting somewhat late (for me at least), so I'll be heading to bed. Hopefully I'll finish what math homework I have to still do, but hey, maybe not. It's just been a good string of events so far I suppose. Goodnight to all then.
Rating today... I'd say an 8. Probably one of the better days I've had.
"Responsibility is the price of freedom." - Elbert Hubbard
It's a funny thing, but it's also a great way to explain the lost feeling you get in life sometimes. You're just searching for something, but you don't know what that something is. If I try to explain it, I guess that what I really mean is that people look for something because they feel like they're missing something. Kind of like you've had your memory wiped, but you remember the specific qualities of a person and being unable to put a name to that person.
I think it's an adequate way to explain what I feel right now. It might be a good way for you to explain how you're feeling this moment. But in the end you'll find that something. If it was what you wanted, or what you needed, I don't know, but you'll find it.
Life Is Fun.
Look, it's probably just another boost of random optimism, but it feels like life is fun. Sure, we get all these obstacles that we have to clear, but that's the essence of life isn't it? Life just wouldn't be life without all the complication that is involved in it. I mean, why else would we complicate our lives? As I said, might just be a mood swing thing, but life is fun.
So if you ever get down or depressed, just remember that something has to happen, and that eventually that'll lead you to somewhere else.
Goodnight It Is
It's getting somewhat late (for me at least), so I'll be heading to bed. Hopefully I'll finish what math homework I have to still do, but hey, maybe not. It's just been a good string of events so far I suppose. Goodnight to all then.
Rating today... I'd say an 8. Probably one of the better days I've had.
"Responsibility is the price of freedom." - Elbert Hubbard
November 13, 2013
Just Stalling
The Inevitable
Eventually I'll have to close off this post and actually start studying for the chemistry test tomorrow, but for now I'll just hold that off for the time being. After this post I'll probably just do five-minute-time-wasters until it hits 11:00 p.m. and then at that point I'll realize how much I have to still review and stay up for part of the early early morning.
But for now here's a post.
Report Cards ^-^
Hey, I actually remembered to use that face. I feel kind of bad and good about my report card at the same time. If you really wanted to know, I got A's in all my courses excluding Concert Band 10, where I got 84% (kind of regret agreeing to go in the first place, but oh well), but I'm glad I'm even able to pull off the marks that I'm getting right now. 88% in Chemistry 11 AP, 99% in French 9 (doesn't really mean much), 90% in Physical Education 10, and 94% in Math 10 Foundations Honours. There it is.
I don't really care about the one B thing since I think I've done better than I expected. It won't exclude me from Honour Roll, and apparently it doesn't even really make much of a difference in terms of university applications (I'll just need to seriously pick up the slack in grade ten and from there).
Sonder.
A while back somebody commented on a post with the definition of sonder. The definition originates from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows and I apologize for not have written about this earlier. Sonder has definitely become one of my more favourite words. I love the definition of it because it's something that I just realized recently and it intrigues me. It's difficult not to get stuck in your own world and realize that other people have just as complicated lives as you.
Life is nice.
Done For This Post
It's been a sort of crappy post hasn't it? Apologies once again. Anyways, thanks for continually checking up on this blog. It's been gaining consistent views to the point where I can hope for anything between 1,000 and 1,500 a month. I know it doesn't sound like much, but to me it does, simply because I know that there's somebody listening.
Hmm. I'd have to say I'm a 7. It's been a fun day. Report cards. Volleyball. The usual. Speaking of volleyball, I'm trying out for Apex relatively soon. Wish me luck.
"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe." - Abraham Lincoln
Eventually I'll have to close off this post and actually start studying for the chemistry test tomorrow, but for now I'll just hold that off for the time being. After this post I'll probably just do five-minute-time-wasters until it hits 11:00 p.m. and then at that point I'll realize how much I have to still review and stay up for part of the early early morning.
But for now here's a post.
Report Cards ^-^
Hey, I actually remembered to use that face. I feel kind of bad and good about my report card at the same time. If you really wanted to know, I got A's in all my courses excluding Concert Band 10, where I got 84% (kind of regret agreeing to go in the first place, but oh well), but I'm glad I'm even able to pull off the marks that I'm getting right now. 88% in Chemistry 11 AP, 99% in French 9 (doesn't really mean much), 90% in Physical Education 10, and 94% in Math 10 Foundations Honours. There it is.
I don't really care about the one B thing since I think I've done better than I expected. It won't exclude me from Honour Roll, and apparently it doesn't even really make much of a difference in terms of university applications (I'll just need to seriously pick up the slack in grade ten and from there).
Sonder.
A while back somebody commented on a post with the definition of sonder. The definition originates from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows and I apologize for not have written about this earlier. Sonder has definitely become one of my more favourite words. I love the definition of it because it's something that I just realized recently and it intrigues me. It's difficult not to get stuck in your own world and realize that other people have just as complicated lives as you.
Life is nice.
Done For This Post
It's been a sort of crappy post hasn't it? Apologies once again. Anyways, thanks for continually checking up on this blog. It's been gaining consistent views to the point where I can hope for anything between 1,000 and 1,500 a month. I know it doesn't sound like much, but to me it does, simply because I know that there's somebody listening.
Hmm. I'd have to say I'm a 7. It's been a fun day. Report cards. Volleyball. The usual. Speaking of volleyball, I'm trying out for Apex relatively soon. Wish me luck.
"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe." - Abraham Lincoln
November 11, 2013
Less Frequent Posts
Hey There
I will be posting less frequently on this blog (not to say that I have any other blogs, because I don't have any that are active), and I thought I'd give you a heads up. As you can probably tell, I'm not really in the fit state to be posting because things I might say are things that I may regret in the future, so I'll limit my posting to every three to four days or so. For all those people that "worry", don't. I'm doing fine with everything, I just don't want to say something that I will regret.
However that doesn't mean that the content of the posts will be any different from what I usually post. Posts may be longer than they previously were, but that's only natural since there's more build up of stuff to write about. Most of the stuff that you'll read in the future posts will definitely be more cheerier than how I must sound right now. I guess it is quite difficult to sound happy after such a terrible post.
Music And Friends
Lately I've been talking to two new friends a lot and listening to a lot of that type of music. I enjoy talking to these friends because they are just... unaware of all the luggage that I have on my back. They know what type of person I am, but have no idea what type of history I have, and in that way we're able to have these pure conversations where our opinions of each other are completely new and are in no way affected by our respective histories. I like that aspect of our daily conversations.
And of course whenever you're feeling down you just listen to music. I find that it really helps. If you were curious as to what that music is, I've just been listening to a few Japanese songs, songs like Shiver, and... I don't know. It's easier if you ask me online or in person.
In Person
I've wanted to get this straight with a few people. I'm not running away from you if you've ever tried to confront me in life to check up on me or something at school. Maybe I was just really distracted and talking to another person, but it feels unfair when you say that I have been just avoiding you the whole time, because I had no idea that you even wanted to talk to me. I definitely acknowledge that I get occupied very easily, but I have completely no intention of avoiding anybody.
I'm a different person online (at least I think so) and my responses are different from how I would respond in real life, so I get if you want to talk to me in person about something serious, but nobody has really came up to me to talk. And even if I was distracted, it just means that you obviously weren't trying hard enough to get my attention.
Until Next Post ^-^
My friend calls that face (in the subheading) the "I'm trying to show you that I'm pretty good but I'm kind of not face" and I can't see how it couldn't be that type of face. It explains the face so well whenever I use it, and... I'm surprised that my friend stated this. But yeah, from now on, I will be using that face in the subheading whenever the topic that I'm talking about involves something where I'm feeling pretty good, but also somewhat not doing that well. Or I'll at least try. I don't know if I'll remember.
That wraps up another post. Thanks for continuing to visit. We hit 21K today and I'm glad for the traffic that I have been receiving. I am a... 7? The other numbers don't feel right, so it must be 7.
"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." - Indira Gandhi
I will be posting less frequently on this blog (not to say that I have any other blogs, because I don't have any that are active), and I thought I'd give you a heads up. As you can probably tell, I'm not really in the fit state to be posting because things I might say are things that I may regret in the future, so I'll limit my posting to every three to four days or so. For all those people that "worry", don't. I'm doing fine with everything, I just don't want to say something that I will regret.
However that doesn't mean that the content of the posts will be any different from what I usually post. Posts may be longer than they previously were, but that's only natural since there's more build up of stuff to write about. Most of the stuff that you'll read in the future posts will definitely be more cheerier than how I must sound right now. I guess it is quite difficult to sound happy after such a terrible post.
Music And Friends
Lately I've been talking to two new friends a lot and listening to a lot of that type of music. I enjoy talking to these friends because they are just... unaware of all the luggage that I have on my back. They know what type of person I am, but have no idea what type of history I have, and in that way we're able to have these pure conversations where our opinions of each other are completely new and are in no way affected by our respective histories. I like that aspect of our daily conversations.
And of course whenever you're feeling down you just listen to music. I find that it really helps. If you were curious as to what that music is, I've just been listening to a few Japanese songs, songs like Shiver, and... I don't know. It's easier if you ask me online or in person.
In Person
I've wanted to get this straight with a few people. I'm not running away from you if you've ever tried to confront me in life to check up on me or something at school. Maybe I was just really distracted and talking to another person, but it feels unfair when you say that I have been just avoiding you the whole time, because I had no idea that you even wanted to talk to me. I definitely acknowledge that I get occupied very easily, but I have completely no intention of avoiding anybody.
I'm a different person online (at least I think so) and my responses are different from how I would respond in real life, so I get if you want to talk to me in person about something serious, but nobody has really came up to me to talk. And even if I was distracted, it just means that you obviously weren't trying hard enough to get my attention.
Until Next Post ^-^
My friend calls that face (in the subheading) the "I'm trying to show you that I'm pretty good but I'm kind of not face" and I can't see how it couldn't be that type of face. It explains the face so well whenever I use it, and... I'm surprised that my friend stated this. But yeah, from now on, I will be using that face in the subheading whenever the topic that I'm talking about involves something where I'm feeling pretty good, but also somewhat not doing that well. Or I'll at least try. I don't know if I'll remember.
That wraps up another post. Thanks for continuing to visit. We hit 21K today and I'm glad for the traffic that I have been receiving. I am a... 7? The other numbers don't feel right, so it must be 7.
"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." - Indira Gandhi
November 7, 2013
I'm Sorry.
I'm Sorry
For leaving behind any friends.
For turning away any help or support.
For being a jerk.
For continuously arguing with you.
For not thinking about elementary school friends.
For continuously blogging.
For being so vague.
For being so depressing.
For being such a fake.
For not saying hello to you in the hallways anymore.
For looking for other friends.
For being a drama queen/king.
For so many things and the countless more to come.
I don't like being sorry, so this is a rare occurrence. I hate owing people. I don't like it when things aren't balanced. Sometimes my friends talk about me on their blogs, but then I don't know if they are or not. It confuses me. Then I get worried because I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. It's conflicting because they don't talk to me, and they don't ask me to change, so that must mean that I'm doing something right. I must have done something right.
It Hurts A Lot.
I didn't think that I complained a lot about my situation. I thought I stayed relatively quiet about it. Am I being overly dramatic? Sometimes I think that I've gotten worse over the years. I hate myself. I love myself. It hurts. You used to respect me. Did you? I can't even tell if you were talking about me, but you had to have been. Who else could it be? Maybe I'm just being conceited. I wish I was. Then that way I could just be embarrassed and laugh it off.
Serves me right if you've lost respect for me. There was never anything to respect anyhow. I feel bad though. That statement makes me feel like I've gotten worse. How is that possible?
I'm not being controlled. I'm not being pressured to do things that I don't want to do. You guys always ask if it was him who forced me to do this stuff. Eventually I had to say yes... right? But I did it. There was no way he could have just forced me to do anything. I did it for me. Myself. I didn't do it for any one of you guys. I didn't do it for anything else except for myself. I want this. Stop thinking I'm so stressed out, because I'm not. In reality you are stressing me out more than anything else. Just god, stop.
Talk to me. Don't write a blog post about the whole thing. I hate that type of stuff. So that means I hate this post. Figures. I do anyways. There's just so much stuff going on.
Night.
What else can you expect? 2. Feeling like crap.
"When you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dreams." - Unknown
For leaving behind any friends.
For turning away any help or support.
For being a jerk.
For continuously arguing with you.
For not thinking about elementary school friends.
For continuously blogging.
For being so vague.
For being so depressing.
For being such a fake.
For not saying hello to you in the hallways anymore.
For looking for other friends.
For being a drama queen/king.
For so many things and the countless more to come.
I don't like being sorry, so this is a rare occurrence. I hate owing people. I don't like it when things aren't balanced. Sometimes my friends talk about me on their blogs, but then I don't know if they are or not. It confuses me. Then I get worried because I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. It's conflicting because they don't talk to me, and they don't ask me to change, so that must mean that I'm doing something right. I must have done something right.
It Hurts A Lot.
I didn't think that I complained a lot about my situation. I thought I stayed relatively quiet about it. Am I being overly dramatic? Sometimes I think that I've gotten worse over the years. I hate myself. I love myself. It hurts. You used to respect me. Did you? I can't even tell if you were talking about me, but you had to have been. Who else could it be? Maybe I'm just being conceited. I wish I was. Then that way I could just be embarrassed and laugh it off.
Serves me right if you've lost respect for me. There was never anything to respect anyhow. I feel bad though. That statement makes me feel like I've gotten worse. How is that possible?
I'm not being controlled. I'm not being pressured to do things that I don't want to do. You guys always ask if it was him who forced me to do this stuff. Eventually I had to say yes... right? But I did it. There was no way he could have just forced me to do anything. I did it for me. Myself. I didn't do it for any one of you guys. I didn't do it for anything else except for myself. I want this. Stop thinking I'm so stressed out, because I'm not. In reality you are stressing me out more than anything else. Just god, stop.
Talk to me. Don't write a blog post about the whole thing. I hate that type of stuff. So that means I hate this post. Figures. I do anyways. There's just so much stuff going on.
Night.
What else can you expect? 2. Feeling like crap.
"When you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dreams." - Unknown
November 6, 2013
Black Hole
We All Fall
At one point (or many points if you are unfortunate enough) in life, you fall into a hole. You have no idea where you are. You don't know what you were doing before. All you know is that you have fallen into this hole. It's about the size of an elevator, and you can't see anything. It's a circular hole, and the sides feel smooth. How far down are you? You don't know.
I think I'm stuck in this hole right now. I just keep on repeating the same things everyday and everyday and it bores me to death. Sometimes I feel like I want something new, something fresh, that I'm willing to go out of my way to start that thing. Whenever I'm talking to a girl, I feel like just blurting out fake love lines to see how she'll react and what she thinks of the whole thing. Passing a fire alarm usually triggers some part of me that just wants to pull the thing so that school will be cancelled or at least paused for a while. Recklessness. Boredom makes me reckless.
So I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this hole. I'm trying to be calm. Maybe I'm the complete opposite of calm. I could be furiously trying to claw my way up, only to completely exhaust myself and crumple down to the ground. People are different, so they have different approaches to this hole problem. Some may just sit there and accept everything passively. Then there are people who will scream and kick the walls in anger, not willing to accept, yet not willing to try to get out. Others will yet try desperately to get out, like a savage animal trying to escape a cage.
Have you fallen yet?
So Much Has Changed
The grade eight Kevin would have a difficult time trying to figure out what happened and where it went wrong all the way up to today. At what point did everything just go... poof? It feels like everything has changed drastically. People have called me a different person, and maybe I am one now. No, I'm sure of it. I am so much different from the person I was one year ago.
Just about one year ago I was having the time of my life in high school. I always spent time with these two great friends I had made. I expected to breeze past the rest of high school and enjoy it with those two friends. There was no way I could have seen what was coming in one measly year. One year was all it took for everything to mess up. I just don't know where it went wrong.
I'm Done
Got into another fight with a friend. How nice of me eh? I've been having a pretty bad time with people from my own grade. Maybe it's natural, since you know, I kind of abandoned everybody and went off to pursue my own education and made new friends. Yeah. I consider the grade 10 students that I have met so far to be very good friends. Especially my chemistry friends. I don't know how I would've made it through the last two months without them.
Of course, there's always credit for those grade eight friends who have helped me get up to here. Thanks to you too. That just about wraps it up. I'm a 6. Goodbye.
"Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them." - Bruce Lee
At one point (or many points if you are unfortunate enough) in life, you fall into a hole. You have no idea where you are. You don't know what you were doing before. All you know is that you have fallen into this hole. It's about the size of an elevator, and you can't see anything. It's a circular hole, and the sides feel smooth. How far down are you? You don't know.
I think I'm stuck in this hole right now. I just keep on repeating the same things everyday and everyday and it bores me to death. Sometimes I feel like I want something new, something fresh, that I'm willing to go out of my way to start that thing. Whenever I'm talking to a girl, I feel like just blurting out fake love lines to see how she'll react and what she thinks of the whole thing. Passing a fire alarm usually triggers some part of me that just wants to pull the thing so that school will be cancelled or at least paused for a while. Recklessness. Boredom makes me reckless.
So I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this hole. I'm trying to be calm. Maybe I'm the complete opposite of calm. I could be furiously trying to claw my way up, only to completely exhaust myself and crumple down to the ground. People are different, so they have different approaches to this hole problem. Some may just sit there and accept everything passively. Then there are people who will scream and kick the walls in anger, not willing to accept, yet not willing to try to get out. Others will yet try desperately to get out, like a savage animal trying to escape a cage.
Have you fallen yet?
So Much Has Changed
The grade eight Kevin would have a difficult time trying to figure out what happened and where it went wrong all the way up to today. At what point did everything just go... poof? It feels like everything has changed drastically. People have called me a different person, and maybe I am one now. No, I'm sure of it. I am so much different from the person I was one year ago.
Just about one year ago I was having the time of my life in high school. I always spent time with these two great friends I had made. I expected to breeze past the rest of high school and enjoy it with those two friends. There was no way I could have seen what was coming in one measly year. One year was all it took for everything to mess up. I just don't know where it went wrong.
I'm Done
Got into another fight with a friend. How nice of me eh? I've been having a pretty bad time with people from my own grade. Maybe it's natural, since you know, I kind of abandoned everybody and went off to pursue my own education and made new friends. Yeah. I consider the grade 10 students that I have met so far to be very good friends. Especially my chemistry friends. I don't know how I would've made it through the last two months without them.
Of course, there's always credit for those grade eight friends who have helped me get up to here. Thanks to you too. That just about wraps it up. I'm a 6. Goodbye.
"Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them." - Bruce Lee
November 4, 2013
I Want To Go Back.
Back To My Home
Recently a long lost friend of mine added me on Facebook with her new account. She told me that she saw our grade seven teacher while she was out somewhere with her friend (I didn't get much more info on what happened), and that got me thinking about Begbie.
I dearly miss the days when I used to attend at Begbie. I miss the people. I crave for the all the buried friendships. I want to relive all the moments of triumph, sadness, and everything in between. It's like this one chance meeting has suddenly brought my whole past back to me. It feels like I have been pushing my past behind me, but now there's no point of running.
There is nothing for me at Begbie anymore though. I'm done with that part of life, and I have accepted that. However I plan to make a visit as soon as my schedule allows me. I think it will be good for me, and while I'm not that good of friends with the current grade sevens, I believe that there will be some value of going back.
I would like nothing more than for all of my graduating class to just come together one day and catch up. I'd tell them about all my friends, and they would tell me about how their lives have been wherever they ended up. I've always considered Begbie a home, a place to go whenever I'm unwanted. All I want right now is to just go back to my home.
Just Felt Like Blurting
Seeing I haven't posted in two days, I decided to put up a post. Apologies once again for no supporting/relevant images. A lot of the stuff I talk about either don't require images, or don't fit with images. I mean, if I was talking about death, it wouldn't be nice to put a picture of a grim reaper or a dying person (in my opinion at least). You can pretty much see a few of those awkward posts here and there, so... yeah. Probably won't be any pictures unless it works out.
It's been a depressing few days. Chemistry class is actually taking a lot out of me, but I'm glad that term one is over. It just means that I have a new chance to restart and I can work on consistently getting high marks. I keep on going for reasons though. They're my own reasons, and it works for me. I'm a 7 today. Today wasn't a complete disaster. Oyasumi.
Recently a long lost friend of mine added me on Facebook with her new account. She told me that she saw our grade seven teacher while she was out somewhere with her friend (I didn't get much more info on what happened), and that got me thinking about Begbie.
I dearly miss the days when I used to attend at Begbie. I miss the people. I crave for the all the buried friendships. I want to relive all the moments of triumph, sadness, and everything in between. It's like this one chance meeting has suddenly brought my whole past back to me. It feels like I have been pushing my past behind me, but now there's no point of running.
There is nothing for me at Begbie anymore though. I'm done with that part of life, and I have accepted that. However I plan to make a visit as soon as my schedule allows me. I think it will be good for me, and while I'm not that good of friends with the current grade sevens, I believe that there will be some value of going back.
I would like nothing more than for all of my graduating class to just come together one day and catch up. I'd tell them about all my friends, and they would tell me about how their lives have been wherever they ended up. I've always considered Begbie a home, a place to go whenever I'm unwanted. All I want right now is to just go back to my home.
Just Felt Like Blurting
Seeing I haven't posted in two days, I decided to put up a post. Apologies once again for no supporting/relevant images. A lot of the stuff I talk about either don't require images, or don't fit with images. I mean, if I was talking about death, it wouldn't be nice to put a picture of a grim reaper or a dying person (in my opinion at least). You can pretty much see a few of those awkward posts here and there, so... yeah. Probably won't be any pictures unless it works out.
It's been a depressing few days. Chemistry class is actually taking a lot out of me, but I'm glad that term one is over. It just means that I have a new chance to restart and I can work on consistently getting high marks. I keep on going for reasons though. They're my own reasons, and it works for me. I'm a 7 today. Today wasn't a complete disaster. Oyasumi.
November 2, 2013
Sometimes It Hurts
It Hurts
When people say something like "whatever" or "I don't care" as a response to anything I say, I feel kind of... bad. I think about how people are indifferent towards what I am saying. Feelings clash because I know these people, and I know that they care, so I start feeling sympathetic towards those people. Why? Well, if they're being so cold towards me, that means that whatever problems they have must be much worse than mine. There's no way they would just say something hurtful intentionally.
Drop Dead.
Sometimes I wonder how it would feel to just... drop dead right now. Everything on my back would be gone and... I don't know. I hope people would miss me if I died. That's the type of impact I want to have if I die. To know that I positively affected the people that were in my life. I think if I died knowing that, then I would be content.
As for right now though... if I died right now I think I would be okay with the type of life I lead. Obviously I wouldn't have been able to live life to its fullest and reach my potential, but I'm glad for the things that have happened, and while the number of regrets I have in life is far too high, I wouldn't do over my life again if I could.
Knowing that I can die at any moment intrigues me. Who knows? Maybe I'll be dead by Monday morning. The problem is that I'm not able to properly value how precious my life is. I take it for granted, and that makes me sad because if I do just that, then there is no purpose in my life. There's no driving force, no motivation, so what is the point of my existence? Why does Kevin exist?
Sayonara
Here's to the closing of yet another post. I was thinking today about how far I'm willing to take this blog (in terms of time). I think it would be amazing if I continued to post at even a weekly basis from now to when I'm on my deathbed. That is, if I end up on a deathbed.
You see, I think I'd rather just die instead of having to die on a deathbed. I would prefer to just die without anything intervening. No ambulances. If I'm going to die, just let me be. Don't move me onto a deathbed if there's no hope. There's no point in trying to provide comfort for those who are terminal.
Then again, aren't we all already terminal? We all have our expiry dates, stamped onto us from the moment we are born. This has been another post. Hope you've enjoyed what little there is to. I'm a 7 today. I contradict myself too much.
"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." - Albert Einstein
When people say something like "whatever" or "I don't care" as a response to anything I say, I feel kind of... bad. I think about how people are indifferent towards what I am saying. Feelings clash because I know these people, and I know that they care, so I start feeling sympathetic towards those people. Why? Well, if they're being so cold towards me, that means that whatever problems they have must be much worse than mine. There's no way they would just say something hurtful intentionally.
Drop Dead.
Sometimes I wonder how it would feel to just... drop dead right now. Everything on my back would be gone and... I don't know. I hope people would miss me if I died. That's the type of impact I want to have if I die. To know that I positively affected the people that were in my life. I think if I died knowing that, then I would be content.
As for right now though... if I died right now I think I would be okay with the type of life I lead. Obviously I wouldn't have been able to live life to its fullest and reach my potential, but I'm glad for the things that have happened, and while the number of regrets I have in life is far too high, I wouldn't do over my life again if I could.
Knowing that I can die at any moment intrigues me. Who knows? Maybe I'll be dead by Monday morning. The problem is that I'm not able to properly value how precious my life is. I take it for granted, and that makes me sad because if I do just that, then there is no purpose in my life. There's no driving force, no motivation, so what is the point of my existence? Why does Kevin exist?
Sayonara
Here's to the closing of yet another post. I was thinking today about how far I'm willing to take this blog (in terms of time). I think it would be amazing if I continued to post at even a weekly basis from now to when I'm on my deathbed. That is, if I end up on a deathbed.
You see, I think I'd rather just die instead of having to die on a deathbed. I would prefer to just die without anything intervening. No ambulances. If I'm going to die, just let me be. Don't move me onto a deathbed if there's no hope. There's no point in trying to provide comfort for those who are terminal.
Then again, aren't we all already terminal? We all have our expiry dates, stamped onto us from the moment we are born. This has been another post. Hope you've enjoyed what little there is to. I'm a 7 today. I contradict myself too much.
"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." - Albert Einstein
November 1, 2013
New Month
Hooray For November
It's like with everything new: you enjoy it for the first bit, but later on it grows old. However once it's gone, you realize how much that you've taken it for granted and how much you want it back. Unfortunately time is not one of those things we can just "get back". While you may not regret any of your life, some of us just wish that we had more time.
So it's a new month and it will be a new term for the school year pretty soon. I'm extremely anxious to see how I fare in terms of grades. In all honesty, I really want to keep my GPA at 4.0, but I think that if I got one B or something, then I would be fine. It would take off the stress of trying to keep my grades so high and... that would be very nice. But of course I'll always be trying to get the best that I can get.
November's a nice month. It is chilly by now, but I like seeing my breath whenever I step outside. A few days ago I was getting to school early for band and I stepped outside near the soccer pitch. There was a light blanket of fog covering the field and I could see the sun rising over the horizon. I took note of the time, but I never arrived early enough to catch it again. But at that moment I was just able to admire the natural beauty of the world and I hope that I'll be able to have many more of those moments again.
What I Did Yesterday
I apologize for not writing a post yesterday (even though I hinted largely that I would). For some reason I was caught up with everything that had happened that day and I just... forgot. That's the plain and simple truth. I actually did not do that much this Halloween. What I really did was stay home and listen to the sounds of people setting off fireworks near the school (or outside the street, my perception of sound is quite bad from what I have gathered).
I can't say that I've grown out of trick-or-treating because I haven't really gone that many times ever. For some reason the idea of dressing up and knocking on houses screaming, "Trick or treat!" has never much appealed to me. I haven't exactly nailed down what the reason is for this, but I just know that's what it is.
End Off On A Cheery Note
I've tried to be as cheery as I can this post. It isn't difficult because I actually have emotions right now. Most of the time when I'm writing I just don't feel anything. Sometimes I do, and on the rare occasion I absolutely snap and just write off a really really horrid post about my problem. Yeah...
Finally the weekend. This week has really taken me down a notch. I can't wait to just sleep in and... well... sleep in. High spirits put me at an 8, and maybe I'll stay there for a bit.
"There is no forgiveness in nature." - Ugo Betti
It's like with everything new: you enjoy it for the first bit, but later on it grows old. However once it's gone, you realize how much that you've taken it for granted and how much you want it back. Unfortunately time is not one of those things we can just "get back". While you may not regret any of your life, some of us just wish that we had more time.
So it's a new month and it will be a new term for the school year pretty soon. I'm extremely anxious to see how I fare in terms of grades. In all honesty, I really want to keep my GPA at 4.0, but I think that if I got one B or something, then I would be fine. It would take off the stress of trying to keep my grades so high and... that would be very nice. But of course I'll always be trying to get the best that I can get.
November's a nice month. It is chilly by now, but I like seeing my breath whenever I step outside. A few days ago I was getting to school early for band and I stepped outside near the soccer pitch. There was a light blanket of fog covering the field and I could see the sun rising over the horizon. I took note of the time, but I never arrived early enough to catch it again. But at that moment I was just able to admire the natural beauty of the world and I hope that I'll be able to have many more of those moments again.
I apologize for not writing a post yesterday (even though I hinted largely that I would). For some reason I was caught up with everything that had happened that day and I just... forgot. That's the plain and simple truth. I actually did not do that much this Halloween. What I really did was stay home and listen to the sounds of people setting off fireworks near the school (or outside the street, my perception of sound is quite bad from what I have gathered).
I can't say that I've grown out of trick-or-treating because I haven't really gone that many times ever. For some reason the idea of dressing up and knocking on houses screaming, "Trick or treat!" has never much appealed to me. I haven't exactly nailed down what the reason is for this, but I just know that's what it is.
End Off On A Cheery Note
I've tried to be as cheery as I can this post. It isn't difficult because I actually have emotions right now. Most of the time when I'm writing I just don't feel anything. Sometimes I do, and on the rare occasion I absolutely snap and just write off a really really horrid post about my problem. Yeah...
Finally the weekend. This week has really taken me down a notch. I can't wait to just sleep in and... well... sleep in. High spirits put me at an 8, and maybe I'll stay there for a bit.
"There is no forgiveness in nature." - Ugo Betti
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