Fear.

What A Great Topic And Time.

It's funny how the topic of fear rolls around in my head on the day just before Halloween. I'll probably regret posting today (since this post likely ensures the one tomorrow will be very bad), since I'm liable to lose all of the "amazing" and "intriguing" thoughts that are inside my head right now. So, let's get started shall we?

Fear. People fear things. But what happens once you... lose fear? What happens if you fear nothing? In this case, I will be writing about the fear of death. People fear death. They are afraid of life. After considering why people fear death, I've come up with my conclusion that people do not want to die because life has value for that person. So that means when somebody loses the value in their life... they are not afraid of dying? Maybe that person is afraid of the pain that may or may not arrive with death, but that person is not afraid of dying.

Whenever I think about death it's a scary thing. I have not had to experience the agony of somebody else dying, setting aside my hamster Fluffy, who unfortunately passed away a few years ago. But besides that, I don't know what death is like, and I'm fortunate for that. However when I do think about death it's typically about myself. I wonder what it's like to be dead. Sometimes I wonder if I'll end up in Heaven or Hell. Maybe I'll be reincarnated into a Japanese school girl (first thing that popped into my head when I thought about reincarnations). Death will come at some point of my life. I'm sure of it. And even if there is a way to stay eternal, I would still like to die at one point.

I'm sure everybody wonders how life will be without them. I myself wonder what life would be like, provided that I was never born and never existed. Then I try to envision a world without me, but this time, I have made whatever little impact on this world. Once I hit this realm of thought, I start branching out into thinking about parallel universes and realities, but that's a whole different spectrum of ideas.

Something About This.

First of all, this is not a game review. Not at all. I don't want any hate or criticism for me playing this game either. It just... helps for some reason. So the game I have in mind is a relatively small and unknown game called Heartache 101. I can already hear all the groans and sighs of disappointment.

Anyhow, I picked this game up last night and found that I couldn't stop playing. Essentially the game is about a high school boy (who you are playing as) who makes a deal with his friend (who of course is a girl) to see who can get a partner the quickest. The time limit is 101 days and if you and your friend do not have a partner (or both have one), then there is no consequence.

Basically the game acts like a board game visual novel. Essentially you go through each day (represented by a board with events on it) and eventually you start picking out the one from the various stereotypes of girls that you meet.

Before this starts sounding like a review, I will turn away from the game (if you wanted to try it to see what type of crazy thing I'm talking about, click here) and talk about how it is affecting me. What I enjoy about Heartache 101 is that it takes my mind off my life because I can pretend that I'm living another life. While people may shun me for hiding and running away, I somewhat needed this kind of game. It kind of comforts me because (to me) it's compensating for the lack of a life that I've had for the past bit.

I finished it today. I might just play it again.

Happy Early Halloween

I don't know what I'm going for tomorrow. Unfortunately my idea to go as a rabbit/dog ended up in my mind too late and it's is much too late to order a Japanese school girl uniform and a wig now (I'm pretty sure I'd be able to pull that off, although the school probably wouldn't permit it anyways). I'll probably just go as something lame (I don't even want to go as anything, but council calls).

Don't know what to do for the remainder of the night. This blog post took up some of the time, so I'm happy. I'm a 6 today, if you were still wondering.

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets." - Arthur Miller

Comforting

How Does One Comfort?

I don't typically comfort people. Usually other people look to their other friends for comforting needs, but on the rare occasion they do look for me... I don't know what to do. I wouldn't say I'm a bad "comforter", but usually the situation at hand doesn't call for me to comfort somebody.

But there are always those moments. I came face to face with a situation where a person was sad and I asked her friend if he could comfort her. He said that he didn't really know what words to say, and I replied with the same thing, since I didn't really know what to say either, but she just looked so incredibly sad. Crushed. Down. Depressed. Seeing her that way, instead of her usual smile kind of dampened the mood around the people surrounding her, so I decided to try and comfort her.

So I walked with her a little after school (which is when I saw her). I admit it was kind of weird, but in retrospect I don't regret it. I didn't really know I was trying to comfort her. It was more of a natural thing, and I like how I was able to just talk and not think too hard about what I was trying to do. I don't know what type of effect I had in the end, or what that girl is now thinking, but I'm really pleased with how I handled that situation.

I'm Bad At Reading People

It was my really ignorant belief that I knew how to read people and what they were thinking. Even now, I still have this tiny voice at the back of my head saying, "I can read anybody and anything at anytime.", but I know better than that. Anyways, one reason I was in a bad mood not too long ago was because this one random person just decides to friend me after a quick meeting and then the next morning, poof, unfriended.

Let's get some things straight here though. I do not care that this person unfriended me. Honestly, that is not even any part of the problem. I could not care less, and I am not exaggerating this because I'm in denial, I actually don't really mind it (that just makes me sound more in denial doesn't it?). However (there it is), I want to know why this person did this. Was it a mistake? Does she just not want to talk to me? And if it something like that, why in the world would you not tell me? So I was just confused and angry at myself for being confused.

A Lot To Say

I've had quite a mouthful to say these past few days (that rhymes). Hopefully things will quiet down (although at times I wish that life was livelier, weird right) and I will come back with some legitimate topics to discuss besides me failing to read people and trying to comfort others.

Golfing tomorrow morning. Fun (sarcasm). I'm an 8 today though.

"Be thine own palace, or thy world's thy jail." - John Donne

Perception

Perception Against Meaning: Which One Means More?

A lot of the times when we say something, we have a different meaning behind it, but the receiver perceives it differently. Lately whenever I'm meaning to give thanks to somebody in my household, I've had the urge to say it in Japanese instead of Chinese (you can thank anime influence for that). The thing is, I kind of have more meaning behind the Japanese term than the Chinese term. Maybe it's because the Chinese thank you is just another word that slips effortlessly out of my mouth and doesn't mean much to me, whereas the Japanese thank you is actually something I'm intrigued with, because it's new and it takes more effort to say it.

I'm quite sure that my family members enjoy hearing the Chinese version, since they don't even know what I'm saying, assuming I've said the Japanese form, but then that leads me to the question that I've mentioned in the heading. Which one means more? My meaning behind my words, or the way my family perceives what I'm saying? I enjoy expanding my Japanese vocabulary little by little every time those words in anime become more frequent and have more meaning to them, so I personally believe that this is somewhat beneficial to me.

Nostalgia.

This word was first introduced (or explained) to me a long time ago, by a very good friend of mine. He was talking about how he felt "nostalgic" for Minecraft Alpha and I didn't know the definition of the word yet. So he taught me a bit about it, and to this day I still get what nostalgic means by remembering what happened that day.

Do I feel nostalgic for my days in elementary school? It feels like everything that is happening to me is just pressing down and squishing me, so it'd be natural if I wanted to just take a step out and breathe freely for a bit. But I wonder if I felt that way (carefree) in elementary school. Maybe I was just worried about different things that seemed big to me at the time, but now probably are very small problems compared to my current ones. If I was able to go back and just relive grade seven, I would.

What Do I Want?

I don't know. By the time I figure it out, it's always too late. There probably isn't a solution to this problem, but then again, I've just been accepting things passively lately. I might have just tried to hard to fight back and rebel against things in the past and now I've kind of just given up. For sure it makes things much easier on me, but then again, I've given up.

I am done for today. It was a good day overall and I've cheered up considerably from last night (thank you for sticking with me in my bad times). However there are still problems floating around in the air, so I'm slightly lower than what I usually am. But I'm still a 7 type of person today.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

There's Nobody.

I Can Keep Searching Though

There is nobody I can talk to. I don't think that there ever was, and even if there was, it must have been such a long time ago. It feels like there is really nobody in my life who I can confide my secrets to. Recently I've taken up the habit of talking to complete strangers and telling them about my life problems and asking for help. Obviously I have no problem talking to people about my problems anonymously, so what is the real problem here?

Does this mean that I just don't like being attached to those problems as a person? Does it mean that I do not like being a person who is considered to have problems and difficulty in life? Maybe I want to show myself as an independent and strong person, but it seems like that foundation is slowly falling down with the days and things that happen.

Hopefully there will be somebody who I actually know who I can confide to. I've just been searching. Maybe I didn't know, but that might be the root of why I've been doing the things I have been doing. It might be why I have this desperate will to find new friends. I don't know.

Something More Substantial

The internet is not enough. In fact, I have grown tired and depressed and dreary every time I come in contact with social media. It's the same thing day in day out. Nothing ever changes. It makes my life... somewhat unbearable. I sound too dramatic don't I? I am probably over exaggerating things. If you scaled what I'm "feeling" right now about two times down, then that's more likely it.

So I'll be looking for something to take my mind off things and use up most of my energy. There's nothing on the internet for me anymore.

Goodbye.

Sorry for feeling mopey these past few days. There have just been a string of "depressing" events. Great timing eh? I apologize again. Maybe I just won't post until I'm feeling better.

Low 5. You could bump it up to a low 6. Blame the mood swings and negative thinking.

"Nothing will work unless you do." - Maya Angelou

Mad At Myself

I Snapped.

I was just talking. And I snapped. I lost it. I was suddenly saying everything that had been buried inside me this whole time, and I was letting it affect other people when it was only between this person and I. The funny thing is that I feel really really really rotten about myself, but I feel good. It's like, I'm relieved because I can get all this stuff off my mind, and I'm glad to know that this is what I'm like when I break.

So I broke again tonight.

First Impressions

A lot of the times I wonder what type of impression I give off as a person. Just first impressions, mind you. I don't know if people stick to their first impression about me after they get to know me better, but it's just something that I have been wondering about. Do I give off a really creepy type of impression, or a nice type of impression. It's hard to really figure out what people think of me.

I'm actually writing up the rest of this post this morning. The first bit was just me from last night and I didn't find the time or effort to finish the rest of it. So rest assured, I've cooled down for the most part (if there was anything to be heated about last night). I actually just kind of went to sleep really early (around 8:00 p.m.) and I was surprised that I actually slept through the rest of the night. However I woke up today feeling better than I have in a long time.

People have done "first impressions" on Facebook and stuff like that, but I never bother to like them because can you imagine me getting a first impression online? I can't even see myself getting one in real life without it being extremely awkward.

Is There Another Person out There...?

I had forgotten that I used to think a lot about this. Whenever I'm just doing nothing, and my mind is wandering around, I used to think about the possibility of another living soul feeling and doing the same things that mine was. If that person was thinking about what I was thinking. But it has to be precise. Every single thought and action is the same. I won't accept it if the other person is listening to the radio and thinking about how that question in math was difficult. I will if this person is listening to the same station (which would mean same song or same advertisement), and if this person is thinking about that same question.

Sounds unlikely right? It probably is. I know that it doesn't occur a lot in life, but I wonder if there has ever been a single moment in my life when that happened. When another life and mine aligned perfectly. And I wonder if I have met that person or if I ever will.

That's It. I'm Feeling Mopey.

I don't know what happened last night or if I did something to tick these people off, but I ended up losing two friends. Do I care? I don't know. Maybe. In both cases we were never much friends to begin with, but one I had been friends with for a duration of time and the second one could have been a possible friend.

Sometimes I hang out with people who I don't usually hang out with, and they ask me why I do such a thing. My reply is that I can't fit into a specific clique, so I float around, trying to find my own little group that I can be comfortable around. I'm just still looking. I am 6. Maybe a low 7. Sorry for never saying goodnight.

"Lost time is never found again." - Benjamin Franklin

Time Waster

Stay The Night

I was listening to my playlist one night and eventually this song came on. I had found it a few weeks ago and started to warm up to it (don't judge). Eventually I combined my lack-of-anything-to-do and liking for this song to start up a new project for another lyric video.

If you can still remember from last time, I did actually try to make a lyric video for Can't Hug Every Cat (and if you don't, it's right here if you think you can handle the repetitiveness and dreadfulness of my old typography). That was actually the first lyric video I completed, because all the previous songs I had tried to make one with were just too long (I could however make this one because it was just a little over two minutes in length).

Anyhow, I just started work on my Stay The Night lyric video. This time it won't be like the Can't Hug Every Cat video because I actually took some time to learn how to "spice" up the animations. The new method of animating that I learned actually makes everything so much easier and so much prettier. So that's just something that I'm doing for a time waster.

Here We Go Again.

I feel like every single time I get another thousand views, I write up some sort of little thank you. But 20K is honestly something that I am so thankful for. You guys reading and being interested in this blog is really one of the more driving forces behind why I actually blog. So thank you so much for always being here for me this whole time.

Raw Thoughts On Life.

Right now, just this moment, I felt a huge mixture of emotions. Funny right? Mood swings. Fun. I'm glad that I have the life that I have right now. I'm grateful and mad at all the things that have happened up to this point of my life. I hate how my mind is always infatuated with them, but I also love how it seems like I've been slowly making progress. I'm glad that I'm getting A's in my courses, but I'm worried about what I'm getting in Band class. I feel physically fit whenever I'm playing sports, but whenever we do a run, I feel bad about my shape. I like how I know some grade eights and I like how some of them are really genuinely fun people. I dislike how I don't know all of them, because there are so many things that I could be missing right now. I am terribly sad that I have kind of drifted away from some friends, but I'm also somewhat joyful because I have met new people.

There's no way that I can express my whole day in just one little tiny blog post. All I have to say is 8 and life is so pure.

"Every obnoxious act is a cry for help." - Zig Ziglar

Ups And Downs.

Miscommunication

I miscommunicate with my family all the time. While I've gotten better at communicating with them, we are nowhere near to how other close families function. Miscommunication is a funny thing. Sometimes it ends up as a big joke, where everybody is laughing at the end of it. And other times... not so much.

In a post a while ago, I said that I would be joining a volleyball intramural team. I was really hyped up because we had some skilled players on the team and I hadn't played volleyball since the bantam season last year. However there was the problem of having to cut people off the team. There were kind of two people who headed the whole team, and I feel like there was a lot of miscommunication between the the co-captains. I was told by one captain that I was put on the team along with a fellow volleyball friend and that they had cut two girls from the team.

So I had this in my head until a few days ago, where the other captain comes up to one of the girls who was supposedly cut and asks her if she's ready for the upcoming game. The whole time I'm just sitting there thinking, "What the hell is going on here?" I had no idea what was happening, so after he was done talking to her, I asked her what was happening.

You can probably figure out the rest of the story. The first captain was sick today, so he wasn't there to witness the literal flock of cut players go onto the court and play. I was feeling dreadful because I did not want to play with those players. It's not that they were bad (in fact, some of them are much better than others), but it's more that I was frustrated because I was looking up to playing with those skilled players for a long time, and now... poop.

Whether it was a lack of communication between the two captains, or there wasn't a clear line on who was the actual captain, or both captains were just really bad at being leaders, I don't care. One captain is able to cut and knows his volleyball, while (to me) the other captain is just adding on players (and of course all of them are girls) and he just can't say no. So it's a mixture of miscommunication and leadership problems.

Attentioners

Wow I haven't used that term in such a long time. For anybody who needs a quick refresh or is new to this blog and my terms, attentioners are people who are attention craving, to put it simply. They constantly need to be the center of attention of the people around them. And how do I put this... I dislike them. They do obnoxiously silly things that disturb the whole class and it's stupid. That person is not getting the right type of attention.

For example. French class. Guy gets out of his seat and starts looking inside the recycling bin for candy. The teacher has her back turned to him, so she isn't aware of him (how in the world I don't know since he's making so much sound). However at some point (I don't know if somebody pointed him out or whatever) the teacher finally notices him and I think, "Thank god, I'm tired of this." However the teacher just treats it as a joke.

Please no. Just no.

I don't get why this one kid just gets the need to disturb the class and people who actually want to learn (or something corny like that). I'm just... done.

Getting Over.

It's tough. The longer the relationship lasts, the tougher it is if it ends. Such a large part of your life has been just cruelly ripped out. This is a topic, dedicated to all those people who have ever been on the receiving end of the metaphorical shotgun of love.

Me... I've been metaphorically shotgunned by love two times. That's about 50% of all my "relationships". The other two times I have been the killer. So I know what it feels like to be on both sides of the gun. However, I'm not here to write about holding the gun.

As with many things, the longer it lasts, the more value it picks up along its journey. Shorter relationships tend to have a more silent breakup, while longer relationships are bombs, cracking through the air. The majority of people do not want a short relationship, but what is the point of being with the one you love for a short period of time?

Being broken up with is difficult. For a while this person was anything and everything in your life. Now it's like this person doesn't even want to see your face anymore. It feels bad. You feel insecure. But you get over it. I'm not saying that you won't be hurt. No, there will be a scar.

But scars fade away. Just remember that you will get over it. There are other people out there, and even if it doesn't feel that way for a long time, it will at some point. There's no point of moping around and being sulky. You are a strong person. You will get over this.

That's It.

Well that is all I have to say. Sorry for the slightly longer-than-usual post today. I just had to accommodate a friend's request. But hey, that's what friends are there to be. Accommodating and supportive. Anyhow, I might not have exactly fulfilled my friend's wishes, but I think I did the right thing, or the best that I could.

I am an 8 today. I legitimately studied for my chemistry test and I don't think that I did bad on it (for once, hooray). Maybe I'll actually look into this method called studying as opposed to just winging everything left and right (haha, jokes). Alrighty then. Good post? I hope so. I tried to put a lot of effort in it. Thanks for reading along.

"Sometimes the person you would take a bullet for ends up being the one behind the gun." - Unknown

Looking To Take Up A Project

Life Is Boring

It is. There's nothing in my life anymore. I'm bored of the games I used to play. My friends seem to be ever growing distant from me. I can't fit in any groups or "cliques". The anime and show that I'm watching only come out once a week. So it's logical that if my life is this boring, then I should be focusing 100% on school, right?

But I'm not. School does not satisfy me. It doesn't give me the feeling of accomplishment, for some reason, for whatever reason. There is nothing to do. Everything is either extremely easy, or extremely difficult. Unfortunately there's no middle. Nothing that I'm average at.

Funny word. Average that is. If you are accounting for all the people in the world, what is the... average? It'd be pretty hard to find one person who's just average.

So... Project Time?

With all this free time, I should definitely take up a project (to kill time and be productive) of some sort, and to be honest, a lot of great opportunities have presented themselves. For example, my friend and I might open up a "collaborative deviantART" with him sketching and me filling in on Illustrator. I've also considered making Flash animations, and even trying to mimic anime. Because I'm not willing to learn coding (yet), I've tried looking up for some sort of variant of RPG Maker (Wolf RPG Editor was a very good option, but unfortunately it does not have an English translation) so I can possibly make a small indie game. Writing a short novel has also crossed my mind, and really, all of these seem like a great choice.

At some point I will get so bored of life I will attempt one of these or some other far-fetched idea I'm sure to come up with in the future. But that's just life right? If it gets boring then it's time to switch up some things.

I Don't Fit Into Cliques.

The thing I realized at lunch today was that I felt... uncomfortable around my friends. It shocked me, because I typically don't, but now I feel... unwanted, for some strange strange reason. So I kind of just drew away from everybody and spent the majority of my lunch just thinking about things and walking around the school.

Anyhow, that's it for this blog post. I'll see you in the next post, where hopefully I'll have somewhat cheered myself up. I'm feeling like a low 7 right now. Those mood swings though.

"If you're bored with life, you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things, you don't have enough goals." - Lou Holtz

Mind Numbing.

It's Paradise.

Heaven. Bliss. I love it whenever I do something mind numbing. It takes my mind off all the things that are going on, and I can just focus solely on the single task that I'm given. Lining for volleyball. Difficult problems in chemistry. Late math homework. Intense P.E. class. All of those are just so mind numbing because you don't have to think about anything else. I hate thinking about her and her and her and maybe even her. It's like the whole day I'm holding in my breath and the only times I can breathe are when I am doing something that requires my attention 100%.

I like Wednesdays. It means the week is half over. It means nearly 5 hours of doing nothing but standing on a line and calling ins and outs for a volleyball game after school. It means that when I get home, I can feel good about myself because I was able to get through another day. Sure I might get a bit down because I got into a fight with a friend, but when I tuck myself into bed at night, I can breathe happily and freely.

Mood Swings

Hooray for mood swings eh? They're good and bad at times (obviously), but they're a real inconvenience. You don't have any justification for mood swings, so there's really no excuse for suddenly snapping in front of your friends. But it's nice because sometimes you're at a high. You get this vibe going on, because a string of a good events just occurred, and you can't help but feel that things will be better from here on out.

Then one bad thing, even one slightly bad event. And snap. You break. Depressed. Gloomy. Melancholic. Dismal. Dreary. So many synonyms for sad. More good things happen and then you're back at your fake high, and then, well. The whole thing repeats, in this cycle that constantly tears and adds to you. It can't possibly be healthy for your emotional self.

I've Spilled Everything That I Can

I'm not willing to tell you anything deeper than what I've told you about the four hers. That's reserved for either another time, or never. Probably the latter. Kind of stupid of me right? Four. That's four too many already. Wait. The last one is a maybe. I don't know. All of them might be maybes.

Oh well. That's it for tonight. I'll catch you later in the next post though. I'm an 8 today. What are you (as my grade six teacher used to say, that's a rhetorical question)?

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Thanksgiving Post

Happy Thanksgiving

I figured that I should put up a post on Thanksgiving (regardless of the fact that I have a hard time trying to be thankful), so here we are with another sure-to-be-bad post. There's actually going to be nothing about Thanksgiving in this post (besides this part), so if you're looking for some sort of corny entry with me listing what I'm thankful for, then you are at the wrong place. I dislike expressing feelings, even to family and good friends because it makes me feel vulnerable. Do I feel invulnerable though? Not really.

More Clannad Feels

So I finally finally finally finished Clannad After Story, and I feel like... what I felt like after I finished Angel Beats! Of course to some extent though. Between both Clannad and Angel Beats!, I'd definitely go for Clannad. The anime just gave a really... emotional roller coaster (as many would say), hitting you in the head with the metaphorical shovel more than once.

What surprised me though was that I didn't cry in the scenes I was "supposed to cry in. Many of my friends told me about tear jerking scenes, and I was ready. But when the scene came on, I couldn't find the tears. Now, this may be because I actually kind of spoiled all the major moments (which now in retrospect I regret), but I'm still not sure if I would have cried or let out a sniffle anyways, even if I had not spoiled it.

When I say "I didn't cry in the scenes I was 'supposed' to cry in", I mean that I did cry in other scenes. It wasn't like a full out bawl or anything, just a little bit of the water works here and there throughout After Story (because there is absolutely nothing that sad in Clannad). Essentially it was after episode 18 and during when (spoiler alert) a certain character remembers another certain character (end of spoiler). For some reason that touched me (not in the perverted way), and I liked that.

I'm really glad that I finished both parts of Clannad and I'll be sure to recommend it to any other people who are interested in anime, just as my friends have done so for me.

Oh yeah, it's also Tomoyo's birthday today (coincidentally). Happy birthday Tomoyo.

Friends (And I) Changed

It's true that I've somewhat left my friends behind as I don't have any classes with them anymore. And while we may pretend that we're still the same friends and still have the same type of relationship that we had last year, it's kind of just a pathetic attempt at bringing back our past. Everything has changed and I don't think that it will ever go back to the way that it was.

But not all is lost. It's not like I'm not friends with them anymore. In fact, maybe I've even grown closer to some friends. I've also met a variety of new people and I can't imagine not meeting them. So change is good. At least in some cases, if not most. The thing is, I think I've finally come to accept this change. A few days back last week at school, I didn't wave to somebody. I used to crave this person's attention like a puppy and now... I don't even wave at this person? It was too late by the time I realized that I should have waved and that I wanted to. Maybe next time.

Feel Happy (:

Feeling sad feels good at times. It's nice to just throw everything away and be carefree and selfish for a bit. Sure, you feel like you're depressed, but most of the time, you're not. In reality you've just made a mountain out of an anthill, and during this period of time, you keep on seeing this mountain instead of the anthill it really is. But the good part is that once you get out, it's just an anthill you can carefully step over.

Feeling happy is great though. It's one of the best feelings in the entire world. Then again though, if you're happy all the time, eventually it just becomes the norm, and then you crave more. So make sure to balance out your life. I guess that's why bad things happen sometimes. I'm an 8 today. I might sound really happy and joyful, but to be honest, I'm just sitting at a computer with a stoic (and at times, thoughtful) expression on my face. Hope you've had a good time here. Until the next entry.

"Genius is initiative on fire." - Holbrook Jackson

Writing

NaNoWriMo

My friend asked me if I was going to participate in NaNoWriMo (an annual novel writing event that takes place every November) this year, and... I said nope. While that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not going to write a short novel, it does mean that I will definitely not be trying to hit the goal of 50,000 words. But more on that later.

For Aspiring Writers

I don't know who reads this blog or what type of audience reads this blog, but if you're an aspiring writer looking for a chance to widen your horizons (that could lead to a writing career), then LEAP might be the thing for you.

Fortunately for you (and because I am too lazy to), I will not be giving an in-depth summary of what the LEAP program is. However, if you are interested, then you should give it a look here. Normally a person like me would jump at this opportunity, but I'm not in the recommended age group (which is why I was talking about the audience that I was reaching with this blog). It might be an option for me once I hit 16, but still, that's a might.

Short Novel?

How many times have I talked about making a short novel? If you've been with this blog for a while now, you'll know that I have many many many failed projects. From short novels to lyric videos to gaming channels. My whole project history is filled with many failed attempts, but without failure I can't succeed (right?).

Anyhow, so here's another little paragraph about how I want to write a short novel. I feel like I have a writer's block going on, but I haven't actually tried to write anything... so maybe I will one day.

Picking Fights.

I have been getting into little spats with some friends. I don't know why.

Just became a 7 maybe? I don't know anymore. I don't feel like putting up this post, but I've already written it, so whatever.

"Those who are at war with others are not at peace themselves." - William Hazlitt

Games And Anime.

Anime First

I finally realized that I haven't blogged for a few days (I was actually really surprised I never found the time/ideas for a post), so I will write up a post. The good thing about not posting nearly everyday is that you get better ideas. Essentially it's either you get a half-decent post (close to) everyday, or you get more wholesome and thought-involved posts every few days. I think I'll try to spread out my posts through the days for the next little bit. It just seems a lot better.

When I first started up watching anime, I was recommended Clannad. I was pretty inexperienced in the field of anime (and still am), so I had no idea why it was so good or why so many people had encouraged me to watch it. Anyhow, I finally decided to watch the anime (I had been putting it off because apparently the first season was slow), and... I really liked it.

So far (I haven't started the after story yet), I can't find any flaws/plot holes in the anime, and maybe it's because I'm just bad at it, or maybe it's because everything else seems so good that I can just ignore them. Clannad is just a really filling anime, and I'm really glad I actually put aside the time to watch it. Oh well. I don't want to sound like a fan boy anymore, so that's it.

Air Pressure

While I didn't really get the meaning behind the game Air Pressure, I was surprised by how thoughtful and in depth comments on the game were. I heard that the game was "thought provoking" and "had a deeper meaning", so I decided to look into it. At first it looks like another really badly made in-browser romance novel that's trying too hard to be a visual novel, but then you start to play and you wonder what in the hell is going on.

Honestly I had no idea what I was doing. There were no major clues as to what ending I would get by looking at my possible choices, and I was left feeling very confused at several endings. Of course, whenever I feel confused and curious, I just look up whatever the thing is on Google. Off I go and I'm immediately greeted by links of forums, pages, and everything. I bring up a few forums and all of the sudden I'm introduced to this brand new meaning of the game. Everything seems to make sense and you get the feeling that you just learned something incredibly importnat.

So can you figure out the true meaning of Air Pressure?

That Should Be Good

Well, I will leave you with these thoughts and opinions. School is doing okay for me. Somehow I'm pulling off an 86% in my AP Chemistry class, and everything else seems to be fine. Friends seem to be where they are right now, and for the time being we have stopped growing apart. Maybe it's a good thing. A little too much Kevin is bad for you.

I'll actually leave you with a quote that is not morbid, depressing, motivational, or about love (as they always seem to be). In fact this quote will be a "funny" one. Hope it's a good change of pace. I'm a... 9 for today. It feels like it's been a really good day for some reason, but that's just me.

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman

300's A Party

My Extremely Bad Introduction To What Will Be An Extremely Bad Post.

*Gulp* The day has finally come when this blog has amassed 300 posts. When I originally started this blog, I had the intention of keeping it to myself for future references, but as I continued to blog more and more, I realized that my life has no meaning without another person. So writing it down for myself wouldn't really make sense would it?

See? Told you that this would be a bad introduction. Oh well. Here we go.

People Have Their Characteristics

Not too long ago, I was being scolded for being disrespectful to my grandma. Essentially what happened was that I got in a fight with my parents and aunt and I just left the house to go clear my head. I didn't tell my grandma (or anybody for that matter) where I was going, and in that way I was being disrespectful (and I accept that).

So I was getting scolded and finally I couldn't just let the person rain down on me, so I kind of just said, "Maybe I'm a bad person." I had never thought of it that way, but maybe it was true. Every time I get in trouble for doing something (not taking proper care of my grandma, coming home late), I always assume that it was just a mistake and that next time I will get it right. But have I ever considered the possibility that... maybe I'm just a bad person?

This is not a pity party. It's simply a train of thought. I have continued life without any change after the scolding (as I typically do), so nothing is wrong. I'm just now thinking about how people have their good and bad characteristics. Me storming out of the house? Definitely a bad part of me. But there are some good things about myself, and maybe I just truly show my bad side when I'm around my family... Which leads us to the next part.

Oh, by the way, I just picked a really random image because I needed one.

Sense Of Family.

I have a really bad sense of family. I don't really spend any time with my family members, and I don't feel a particularly strong bond with any members of my family. So that's why I'm always kind of hesitant to have people meet my family, because I honestly don't really feel like a family.

Then again, it's not like I want to fix this. I'm completely fine with the way things are right now. It's just that I get scolded a lot because I don't take good care of my grandma, but maybe it is because I don't know family. It feels like everybody expects a whole bunch out of me, and I try to do that, but throw on family and academics and social relationships, and I have no idea what the hell to do. I'm not like those people who can miraculously balance all those aspects of life.

Expectations

There are a lot of expectations on me. Sometimes I feel like just screaming when another is added, because really, I cannot handle it. I don't like the way I'm rushing by courses in high school. I don't like the way how I have to adapt to new study habits. I just don't like how it seems like everybody expects this standard out of me, and every single day I have to comply, no matter how tired I am.

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Some people have much larger workloads, and they're still able to shoulder it. But I cannot. That's the problem. It's like I'm constantly hating everything around me little by little, even if it isn't anybody's fault.

Just Had To Get It Off My Chest.

Yeahhh... so this was the post that you've been waiting for. That's it...

I am an 8 today. I might write a game review for a game I recently finished (it's short, so don't worry). Until next time. Thanks for reading.

"I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed." - Michael Jackson

299.

*Sigh* Here We Are

This is the 299th post, and I still have completely no idea on what to write for the next post. Then again, the world typically throws something in my way, so hopefully this time it will actually give me something to write about in the next post. Ummm. Get ready for what will be a "raw" post. I like to call it this because it's all coming directly from the heart. All these are the raw emotions and feelings, in no way filtered by any thoughts. I just write what I've been thinking. I actually don't put up these types of posts unless I'm feeling like hosting a self-pity party or I'm just really mad at something, so this is kind of a first.

Just Stop.

People who constantly humiliate themselves and constantly insult themselves, I mean, just stop. I am one of those people. I always do this, but to some extent. I can say that from my perspective that people do this because they feel like people have been ignoring them lately. Whenever people don't really talk to me and I feel incredibly lonely, I just... throw myself a pity party. No doubt it feels great to have a pity party. You think about how bad your life is and you get to be selfish for however long the party is.

But really, does this get us anywhere? Sure our friends act and may be concerned for your well-being, but how long does that last? A day? Two? Sooner or later you'll be stuck in a rut again, feeling bad about yourself and you'll just repeat this same vicious cycle again and again. A lot of my friends are like this, and I wouldn't be surprised if the majority of them were like this.

So I'm going to try to stop throwing self-pity parties. Hopefully you'll do the same.

Lack Of Priority And Maturity

Look, I completely understand that I am just a 13 year old. I have my own naive ways, but as an observer, I can't help but feel that many of my peers don't really know what is important. I hear stories of people at "wild" parties, and the rumors are all that anybody talks about for a few days, but how the hell is that important? I mean, honestly, even I have enough sense to realize that the party is just that. A party. I don't care about it because I don't remotely like the people who were involved in it.

And then my French class. I'm so depressed that I had to transfer out of fourth block into third block because it is absolutely the most horrid class ever. The students in that class just screw around and they have no maturity whatsoever. Regardless of their age, they shouldn't be acting like how they are. I just hate that class and I am now trying to fall asleep in class (to no avail unfortunately).

Well... I'm Done.

Soooo there may not be a 300th post for a while. Maybe there will. I don't know. Just wait I guess. You guys will probably hear from me sometime next week or something, but if you don't (highly unlikely, unless I die sometime this weekend), then just sit tight. I'm sure I'll have to put up a post at one point.

Thank you for reading. I'm glad you stopped by to read my little blog. I've been trying to actually get some more viewers, but it seems like it isn't working that well. It's fine though. As long as I have you, I'll be okay. Uhhh... I'm going to assign today a 9. I am feeling pretty good about myself as of now.

"An eye for an eye only makes the world blind." - Mahatma Gandhi

So...

Let's Talk About Life?

There isn't really any new development in my life and there is nothing new to talk about. Everything seems to be settled and locked in, leaving no room for movement, so there will probably be fewer posts for the next while or so. Honestly, all this infatuation and school-is-so-stressful stuff is just part of regular life and will always be there with me, so that's just life. I don't think I can change it, and knowing that (along with me no longer trying to change life) kind of puts me at ease.

It's kind of like, so this is it?

Volleyball Intramurals

Because of a lack of a better subject, I guess I'll tell you what happened with me and the volleyball intramurals. As I've briefly mentioned in a post not too long ago, I was kind of torn apart on what to do. I didn't know if I should have joined the team (leaving the others behind), or just not play in the intramurals. I turned down invitations from a few teams and for a while it seemed like I wasn't going to participate.

Once that became clear, I felt kind of bad for not helping the other teams. I didn't think that the people that weren't participating were going to be mad at me or anything, and the more I pondered about it, the more I realized that I wanted to be on a team. Luckily for me, a bunch of events occurred and I ended up on the team that had originally invited me.

I'm actually feeling pretty good about the intramurals because I am on a really good team (the team is essentially consisted of a few members from the volleyball team last year). We're also playing in the junior league (grade eights and nines), so there are really no competitors that we have to worry about. Anyhow, if you get the time (and you go to Alpha), you could come by around lunch to watch us play. It'd be nice knowing that somebody was there, but it's absolutely in no way necessary for you to go. If by any chance you wish to go watch, then you should know our first game is on October 15 (we don't play in the first week unfortunately). It's the Rangers against the Hurricanes, but there have been rumors that a group of the Hurricanes (a team of grade eights) will be on a band trip that day. So we might just win by default. Oh well. Life.

That's About It... For Today

So I felt inclined to write up a post because... well, I haven't really done anything for the past bit or so. Anyhow, sorry for no images (how many times have I said that?), but I will definitely put up one or two in the next post, no matter how bad they may look.

Thank you for visiting today, hope you come back next time. I am an 8 today. Just some things to think about.

"Common sense is not so common." - Voltaire

Mad Father And Inventor

Mad Father

You can already tell by the italics that another game review is here. I'm sorry that I forgot to write one in the last post, so instead I will be writing two reviews in this post. I'll be more elaborate and detailed for Mad Father, and less so for Inventor because it's a very short game. Anyhow, off we go to the game review.

Mad Father is yet another horror adventure game. It's by Sen (yes, the same creator of Misao) and is made in WOLF RPG Editor (which is essentially another variant of RPG Maker). You play as a little girl named Aya who lives with her father (the Doctor) and his assistant, Maria. One night Aya is awakened by a scream, and she finds her home has been invaded by monsters and supernatural beings. With the goal of saving her father, she has to uncover the secrets of the mansion and what goes on underneath it.

Overall Mad Father is a very polished and well made game. I loved the story and mechanics of the game, along with each and every puzzle that accompanied it. The feel of the game is very nice and it's one of the better games that I have played. It is difficult to incorporate good and original horror into a game, but I think that a good job was done of that in Mad Father. The good ending (there are multiple) left me dying a bit just because of the foreshadowing it does, and I really wish that there was a sequel to the game.

I very much enjoyed Mad Father and not once in the game was I bored. The puzzles are very thought provoking and the game is just something fresh for you to play if you are simply bored. Mad Father is actually a relatively long game, so if you prefer shorter games, you probably shouldn't give this a try. However if you're good with long games, you can download the game for free right here.

Inventor

Coming from a small indie developer we have the game Inventor. It has a spotlight on IndieGames.com and is very... unique. It was made for the Indie Speed Run 2013 and everything was made in other 48 hours. The game actually covers some valid points, and while it may seem very out-of-the-ordinary, I thought it was a very well made game for what it is.

It does reach out to some thought provoking subjects and I think that was what made the game stand out. The game is in browser, free to play, over at the developer's blog. You should definitely play it at least once, if not more. While the game is definitely weird in it's own ways, it's worth a play.

People Who Make Others Happy

I've always admired people who can make others happy easily. Making a person smile, laugh, or feel better is just rewarding to those type of people. While I cannot say that I have quite gotten the hang of being a person who can make another happy, I like to believe that I am somewhat good at it. I try to keep a good aurora around me and in turn, most of the time I feel good myself.

Cheering people up is always nice. It makes me feel better if I do it successfully. So if you make the people around you happy, then kudos to you. Thanks for making the world that much of a better place. Spread the joy right?

Nothing Else For This Post

Some people don't like repeaters, but I'll say sorry again about my forgetfulness. Maybe I should start writing things out on my hand again. It seems to be somewhat effective in the right situations. Then again, I'll still have to remember to look at my hand every now and then.

I'm kind of behind in work, but I'm not quite sure because by the time my progress reports come out, there are already so many new assignments that the mark on the report could be so much different from what I'm actually getting. So I've been planning a day just to finish everything up, but that might just happen tomorrow. I am a 9 today actually. I'm feeling pretty good, and I hope that this phase keeps up.

"One finds limits by pushing them." - Herbert Simon

One Day At A Time.

I Realized...

I'm taking life with too much planning. I go through each day, thinking about the next day, but that's too early. I should just live each day as it goes by. Makes sense that way. At least it does now. I might just throw this away as another stupid way of living life in the near future, so yup. Might just be a phase I'm going through. I kind of realized that this is another way of living life when I was trying to balance multiple commitments today and just was overwhelmed by the stress.

On another topic, there's been no progress on the whole infatuation thing. Well, maybe. Does development in thinking count?

That's About It Actually

Today has been uneventful. I completely failed at a playing test in Senior Band today because it was my first time playing the scale (I forgot to take my bass home over the weekend), so that kind of motivates me to practice more. I talked about assembling the harem with my friends in chemistry class, and I got really bored in math because I forgot my textbook. Your typical day, without the finer details.

These past few days I've been pronouncing details weirdly. It's weird. I'm scared that this pronunciation will stick with me. Oh well. Thanks for reading today. I'm an 8. See you in the next post.

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus