I Snapped.
I was just talking. And I snapped. I lost it. I was suddenly saying everything that had been buried inside me this whole time, and I was letting it affect other people when it was only between this person and I. The funny thing is that I feel really really really rotten about myself, but I feel good. It's like, I'm relieved because I can get all this stuff off my mind, and I'm glad to know that this is what I'm like when I break.
So I broke again tonight.
First Impressions
A lot of the times I wonder what type of impression I give off as a person. Just first impressions, mind you. I don't know if people stick to their first impression about me after they get to know me better, but it's just something that I have been wondering about. Do I give off a really creepy type of impression, or a nice type of impression. It's hard to really figure out what people think of me.
I'm actually writing up the rest of this post this morning. The first bit was just me from last night and I didn't find the time or effort to finish the rest of it. So rest assured, I've cooled down for the most part (if there was anything to be heated about last night). I actually just kind of went to sleep really early (around 8:00 p.m.) and I was surprised that I actually slept through the rest of the night. However I woke up today feeling better than I have in a long time.
People have done "first impressions" on Facebook and stuff like that, but I never bother to like them because can you imagine me getting a first impression online? I can't even see myself getting one in real life without it being extremely awkward.
Is There Another Person out There...?
I had forgotten that I used to think a lot about this. Whenever I'm just doing nothing, and my mind is wandering around, I used to think about the possibility of another living soul feeling and doing the same things that mine was. If that person was thinking about what I was thinking. But it has to be precise. Every single thought and action is the same. I won't accept it if the other person is listening to the radio and thinking about how that question in math was difficult. I will if this person is listening to the same station (which would mean same song or same advertisement), and if this person is thinking about that same question.
Sounds unlikely right? It probably is. I know that it doesn't occur a lot in life, but I wonder if there has ever been a single moment in my life when that happened. When another life and mine aligned perfectly. And I wonder if I have met that person or if I ever will.
That's It. I'm Feeling Mopey.
I don't know what happened last night or if I did something to tick these people off, but I ended up losing two friends. Do I care? I don't know. Maybe. In both cases we were never much friends to begin with, but one I had been friends with for a duration of time and the second one could have been a possible friend.
Sometimes I hang out with people who I don't usually hang out with, and they ask me why I do such a thing. My reply is that I can't fit into a specific clique, so I float around, trying to find my own little group that I can be comfortable around. I'm just still looking. I am 6. Maybe a low 7. Sorry for never saying goodnight.
"Lost time is never found again." - Benjamin Franklin
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sonder
ReplyDeleten. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.