tidying up 2018

Hey there and welcome to the last post of 2018.

Update on Kevin's Will-Definitely-Do Resolutions of 2018

1. Write a post at least every two weeks

Honestly I don't think I did too bad on this one. I definitely missed some weeks here and there, but I wrote more than double the amount of posts I did last year and I think the quality of them is much higher.

2. Finish a long-ish short story by the end of the year

I wrote some stuff over at the WritingPrompts subreddit, nothing of substantial length mind you. One aspect I need to improve on is pacing of my writing as it is currently all over the place (if you couldn't tell from this blog). If you want to see what amateur and melodramatic work I put out you can find my stuff here.

3. Improve my writing

While I didn't write anything long-ish, my writing definitely improved. I feel that I am more concise and effective with my writing - less is more sometimes.

4. Go to Japan

I didn't end up going due to a lack of interest from my friends and my parents not being comfortable with me going alone, but next year will be the year.

5. Get accepted into the UBC Computer Science Program

It happened! Not in the prettiest way, but it happened.

6. Do a co-op

I missed the fall deadline and even if I hadn't, I likely would have not actually done my work term until next year.

7. Play a game of ulti

During the summer I played on a Vancouver Ultimate League team, which was tons of fun.

8. Start running (once it's warmer)

I never did this, but hey, I went to the gym pretty consistently for a while.

9. Get that Instagram feed off the ground

I did.

10. Pass my road test and get my N

I didn't :(

11. Have my braces removed

It was weird getting used to their absence, but I am so much more confident in my smile now. I'm also making sure to floss everyday and in general try to treat my teeth better.

12. Love myself
While I can't say that I do right now, there were definitely times when I truly was happy with who I was. Most of these times were spent in the company of close friends who I could be myself around.

13. Do something cool, like really cool
Sorry, I'm not a cool guy (yet).

14. Write a First Impressions and Final Thoughts for every season
This one I definitely dropped the ball for. I was (and still am) self-conscious of how eager or excited I can get when talking about anime I really like, so I didn't feel it at all. I didn't watch nearly as much as I used to, but anime has definitely made a resurgence in my daily habits. This winter break I've blown through so much time, but it's comfortable, familiar time.

15. Cry
Had myself a good crying session one night.

16. Get over my fear of asking strangers if they need help/want a seat on transit
This one I checked off pretty early in 2018. At some point I just started saying, "Screw it, if I don't do anything now I'll feel too awkward to do it later," and it has worked since then.

17. Achieve over 90% on a midterm
Sorry lads, ya boi is a big dummy.

18. Achieve over 90% in a course
I'd be surprised if I achieved this without fulfilling #17.

19. Make my life colourful
Work in progress.

20. Wean myself off social media to the point where I don't depend on it
I'd like to think of it as a sort of "supplement" to talking to my friends, but I think I still have a small dependency on it. However the time I spend on Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat has decreased significantly, so I think that warrants a half complete.

21. Not get sick for the rest of the year
If we're excluding sniffles and the chills that is.

22. Upgrades to room! Namely new bed sheets, new desk, and some sort of shelving
I got some new bed sheets in the fall and my aunt gave me a really awesome desk and wardrobe (which has been acting as a pseudo-shelf since) a few months back. Thank you so much auntie!


I've written a few more posts like this one - casual, with no depressing/ephiphanic story prefacing it. If you've been following along for the past 448 or so days, you'll most likely have guessed that I'm still going through some tough times right now, but it's gotten better. Right now is the right time to tell the story.

My story

Last year in early October I went through the most heart wrenching and soul tearing breakup of my young life. We had been dating for nearly two years by then - we spent nearly every waking hour (even some napping hours) together and in retrospect maybe that's why things went downhill so fast.

First year Kevin took it extremely poorly. I was not equipped to deal with this sudden absence in my life, in a time where everything and anything was changing for me. I was hardly two months fresh into my experience at a huge university with a multitude of new skills and knowledge I had to learn. For the first few days or so, I felt "liberated," I felt like I could do whatever I want. I didn't need her, she was just baggage. After all, she was one year younger than me, so it would be easy to get over her. I could find another girlfriend whenever I wanted.

Soon that false confidence shattered. The increased amount and difficulty of school work did not mesh well with the naivety I picked up from breezing through high school. My academic performance was terrible, and for the first time I realized that I had nobody to turn to. I didn't realize that because she had been my best and closest friend since it ever mattered I failed to develop deep and meaningful friendships with others. I put all my eggs into one basket.

I blamed her for my own shortcomings. If she were here she would have motivated me to study more, we could've studied together. Maybe if we didn't break up I wouldn't feel so sad all the time. Anything bad that happened was her fault. At this time we were still talking to each other, because I said that I wanted to be "friends." I thought that she would just need a little more time until she realized how much she needed me. How many times have you heard this one?

We would converse about the same things that we did when we were dating, however I grew frustrated when the differences came about as a result of the breakup. With the misplaced resentment growing inside me and the lack of a "serious" talk, I eventually snapped and lashed out at her. With that outburst, we agreed to take some more time apart from each other.

After the outburst, I directed all that anger and blame onto myself. I dug myself deeper into a ditch filled to the brim with I'm worthless, it's all my fault, I hate myself, I should just kill myself, nobody loves me, nobody cares, I have no friends and, well, you can imagine. In the past I had taken great pride in calling myself a person of good nature and bottomless kindness, however my self-blame permanently tainted that. I had failed to make friends in classes due to my severe underdevelopment in that sector and the nature of university, and I was suffering.

For the next period of time, weeks, months, whatever, I desperately tried to indirectly communicate with her. I started posting the most trivial things on Snapchat or Instagram as an attempt to say, Look at how much more fun my life is now or Don't you wish you were here? If there were chances to help out at the high school ultimate team she was on, I would go. I did anything I could for attention.

I became so so disillusioned. My increased exposure to social media changed my perspective of others. Through the filters we put on our online lives, I thought that everybody must lead such colourful and exciting days filled with adventure and happiness. My extreme social isolation did nothing to improve this notion.

I also realized that there are a lot of amazing people at UBC, and I was not one of them. Slowly through the course of one term, I lost everything that had made up my identity. My mental state at this point was terrifyingly low. I joked a lot about suicide, as it is (scarily so) common for people my age to do nowadays, but if you gave me an option to back then I would've seriously considered taking it.

Things turned around for term 2. I happened to have one of my friends from high school in my English class and as we became better friends her group (also from high school) adopted me. We called ourselves the Egg Gang (in honour of our favourite place on campus) and they saved my life. We spent our breaks together, waited for each other to get off class to go home together, and we hung out outside of class. They had their own smaller circle and I knew that I would never get there, but their friendship in my time of need truly saved me. If any of you are reading this, thank you.

With an emotional base, I somehow got through my first year of university. My marks weren't the greatest and I wasn't even an eighth of the person I wanted to be, but things were on the upswing. I opted out of summer session to give myself a break and started going to the gym much more frequently (I had started near the beginning of the year).

There were hangouts with the Egg Gang and I also worked more in the summer, however one of the most important developments was my involvement in a Vancouver Ultimate League team. Another friend from high school who I played ultimate with asked me if I wanted to join his friend's team, and I gladly accepted, not knowing how much of an impact it would have on me.

We dubbed ourselves Summer Beer League (SBL) and for the first two weeks I was unsure of myself and shy, however I slowly came out of my shell. Everybody on the team was older than me and I was also the only Asian player (who regularly came), so I relegated myself to sitting out on the sidelines and (for lack of a better term) respecting the elders. The members of SBL didn't have any of that. They actively encouraged me to participate, on and off the field. I was underage at the time and could not join them at alcohol-oriented establishments (why not just say bars?) so they would pick other places to go to with me. They truly made me feel loved and I loved them just as much, if not more.

Ultimately (ha) they taught me that I was a likable person, which I had struggled with so much. You see, Egg Gang might have felt a subconscious obligation to keep me around due to our high school ties, however SBL didn't have such obligation. They just liked me for me. We ended up winning our division and we had a great celebration afterwards.

Like all things, they must come to an end, and the summer of 2018 was no exception. While I never fulfilled my goal of going to Japan, that might have been for the best. Maybe I would have had a moment of self-discovery during my travels, but I am more than happy with how my summer turned out. I kept myself busy with friends, ultimate, and work, and I truly enjoyed myself then.

Year 2 swung by and I was determined to improve. I was a new hire of the UBC eSports Association (UBCeA) and there was no place to go but up. I purposefully gave myself a lighter course load with the intent of raising my average and finding out how I can get better at school.

My ex had gotten into UBC as well and she was attending. I saw her every Tuesday and Thursday as we lived less than a block away from each other (fun) and took the same route to school. On some days we would end up on the same bus ride to UBC. I remember the first time I realized that she was on the same bus as me. My heart wouldn't stop racing and my head couldn't stop spinning. Looking back, I think that's the closest I've ever been to a panic attack.

As I became more accustomed to seeing her on the way to school, I noticed how much she had changed. It looked like her clothing style and outward appearance had changed so much. I saw makeup when there wasn't any before and a realization came to me.

She was not the girl I once loved.

Yet, still, still, when she bumped into a male friend on the bus and started talking, even if it's not about anything "important," I got jealous. I thought, we could be going to school together. I was extremely self-conscious around her, not only on the bus, but whenever I ran into her on campus. Eventually I started seeing her less and less, and like that my life continued.

I met a really solid group of friends from my time as an Imagine Day Orientation Leader, all of them older computer science majors, and we hung out from time to time. We spent Thanksgiving together and bonded over board games and other silly things. I love them to bits.

Throughout this term, I also started hanging out with a mix of people from Egg Gang and their friends. For our inaugural hangout we tried our hand at Dungeons & Dragons (D&D), however that didn't go as well as planned so we put it on the backburner in favour of movies and other board games. This group, the Carl's Jr squad (another story for another time), has been something to look forward to every Sunday, and I love each one of them so much for helping me cope with stress.

To top it all off, I joined a friend from SBL in his UBC Ultimate Intramurals team. I met some really awesome people there, and while I didn't play much of a role in our eventual championship, I am seriously in awe of how good they are. While on the team I was still extremely shy, however I somewhat came out of my shell by the end of the season. I felt inferior so that didn't help, but they were just really good.

I found the two computer science classes I was taking actually interesting and I should have put much more effort into them, but I got decent marks for them. I didn't do as well in the other two arts classes I enrolled in, but the experience was... something. If I had to describe my second year (so far at least, we're not out of the woods yet) in one sentence, I would say: My mental and emotions are much better, however my academics could step it up.

Towards the end of the year, I jumped on the bandwagon and joined the Facebook Group Subtle Asian Dating to see what all the fuss was about. Honestly that experience is still pretty fresh in my mind, so I can't talk about it without getting all worked up. To sum it up, seeing how attractive and "unobtainable" other people could be enabled me to put myself down. After realizing that I was just hurting myself, I left and I haven't looked back.

To be honest I still think about her, everyday. There hasn't been a single day she hasn't been on my mind at some point. She is so ingrained in my daily life my brain and heart refuse to forget. However it is not that I love her - I love who she used to be. When I see things that are cute or make me laugh I still get the impulse to send them to her. The loneliness of winter (or as the cool kids like to call it, "cuffing season") has amplified her absence. I've come to the conclusion that I do not miss her specifically, but that I am just lonely. I want to love and be loved.

Sometimes, after a long day at work or a day spent with friends, I will walk up the alleyway towards my house and hope to see her sitting at the stairs. Her arms will be wide open and she will say something absurd, something like,

"Thank you for waiting. I missed you so much. I've been under a curse for the last xxx days and I had to keep myself away from you, until now."

I know I would break into a run right away and let the last xxx days of pain, tears, and stress wash away, and that is what scares me. I'd like to say that I've come to terms with the breakup, however the fact is that I have not. It is a process, and a part of the process of becoming a better me. I still cannot put into concise words as to why the breakup happened - I have ideas but I cannot and maybe never will confirm them.

I am still working on myself. I'm not sure what I want, I'm not sure who I am or who I want to become. I'm scared that I will never find love. I've done ugly things, things that I'm not proud of, but what better way to overcome those things than a new year? There are many aspects to improve on, and I hope that you will continue supporting me as we enter another year.

This is the ugly truth. This is my ugliness. This is my acceptance.

This my story.

In Memory of December 12th, 2018

Today was a day full of new experiences and people - it went by quickly but I savoured every bit of it. It made me really appreciate myself for who I am, but it also made me realize parts of who I want to become. While December 12th, 2018 might not go down in the history books or even my history books as a momentous day, it was a subtle day of significance. I am sure that I will forget it, so best to write it down before I regret it.

=====

A few months back Philman let me know about an opportunity to become a temporary tour guide for visiting Japanese students. I reached out to his contact and within the hour I was given the role. Today is finally the day that the Japanese students visit us at UBC so I'm feeling excited, but a little nervous. I meet some of the other volunteers and we mingle a little, we do the usual "Oh what are you studying?" and all that good stuff.

Eventually the students arrive and we split off into our groups. I let the butterflies in my stomach nearly get the better of me before I strengthen my resolve and become my nice and cheery persona. I wasn't really given many instructions as to where to bring the students around campus, asides from bringing them to the meeting spot at noon, so we just walk around looking at different things. We visit the Rose Garden (a shell of its summer beauty), cut through the libraries, stop by the Beaty museum to take a look at the whale skeleton, peruse through the bookstore, and then head to the Nest for lunch.

The coordinators of the trip let me know that I can go and encourage the students and I to say our goodbyes. It all came about suddenly, so I'm a little disorientated and I think the students are too. They thank me for my time and I thank the coordinators and the students for having me.

While we were walking around, one of the students started talking to her friends about something. It turned out that she had noticed that the pin on the back of my bag had dropped off at some point. I let them know it was alright and that I would go look for it later.

After the goodbyes, I backtracked and looked for the pin, but didn't end up finding it.

I head home shortly after the failed search, and take a nice nap on the bus. The final stop of the route is going through some construction right now and for the first time in my life I crossed the street between the stop and Vancouver Community College. It always looked like a nice crosswalk and I'm glad I got to confirm that today.

On the skytrain I manage to snag the single seat at the front and the awe that little Kevin had of watching everything from the front seat renewed inside of me. Usually the skytrain ride is what I consider the most boring part of the trip, but this time it was my favourite. Getting off the skytrain I make it to the last leg of my trip right on time - the bus towards my home arrives at the stop at the same time I do.

I make it home and relax for a bit before hoping on the computer to play some games. After a game or two of League with some friends from Alpha, I end up casting a League match between Alpha and Kilarney with my friend Aaron.

Much like earlier in the day, the experience was new and nerve-wracking, but after the first game Aaron and I settled in. It still seems surreal that we actually spent three hours of our lives just talking about League of Legends but we had fun in the end. The entire thing was not as bad as I thought it would be, and apparently the coordinators enjoyed it (enough so that we have been invited to cast the finals match for the tournament). Personally I think I could have done better, but we will see if I improve for next time :)

Ended off the night with some more League and then CS:GO with Raymond and his friends, and now I am here.

No studying done by the way :P

=====

Being a guide and meeting the Japanese students was an incredibly unique experience. You can usually spot a group of them coming to UBC every other month and they always look like they're having fun so I'm glad I was able to be a part of that this time. The students seemed to genuinely like me and it feels like it has been so long since I was able to just be myself and be liked for it. They said some really nice things about me and I felt super flattered the whole time. It was a well-needed boost to my self-esteem. I would be more than happy to volunteer to do this again.

I am bummed out that I lost the pin that Ka gave to me.

Casting was also an enjoyable and interesting time. I found a new respect for the people who do it professionally and I'm looking forward to the next time that I get to do it.

Looking back at the post, it definitely reads likes a page from a daily journal I kept in elementary school, but there's a charm to it. This post was more for me than for you, but I hope you enjoyed! Goodnight and sweet dreams :)

sometimes

sometimes there is a profound loneliness that sweeps over my body
when the screams of "bye! bye kevin!" fade away as the cousin i just finished babysitting leaves,
or when the tail of my brother's coat slips through the doorway,
maybe when my mother leaves for work, leaving the door for me to lock,
or after my father says "goodbye buddy!" and the door lock clicking seconds after

sometimes it doesn't sting as much - the sudden quietness of the house,
i put water to boil on the kettle (stay hydrated kids),
queue up some music so it's not so empty,
sit down and get comfy at the computer,
and find something to do until somebody comes home

sometimes i'm still a scared little boy,
the monsters come out of hiding, the shadows begin moving,
the creak of the floorboards are eerie, instead of charming,
the sounds that used to make home home disappear,
i can imagine just how she'd just say, "you're a scaredy cat, but you're my scaredy cat"

sometimes my heart still lunges when that door closes -
i think something went wrong in the rewiring of my brain
because the thought empty house still leads to
i can ask her if she wants to come hang out,
even though it's been more than a year since we properly talked

sometimes i wonder if i'll get to that point,
a point where i don't immediately get lonely when i'm alone,
a point where i can value time spent by myself,
a point where i am not scared,
a point where i have another person to ask wanna come over?

-----

alltimes, thanks for reading

new theme!

Hey all, just here to usher in a quick banner change and refresh on the colour scheme for the blog! The banner was thrown together very quickly (as you can probably tell) and I picked a few colours from it to use in for the blog colours. I like how it turned out as the design looks calmer and sorta absorbs energy as opposed to reflecting it.

That last sentence probably didn't make much sense but hopefully you got a feel for what I was trying to say.

I've been in a bit of a slump in terms of writing posts, explaining why I haven't posted anything in nearly a month. As I write this now there's like a weight on my chest that screams, "Delete it!" I think the feeling comes from a cycle that I've been experiencing when writing. My writing (especially on this blog) is pretty one dimensional - I use the same words, the same flow, the same patterns. When I recognize that my writing has gone stale, I try to use different words, but then it ends up so that my writing feels contrived and not genuine.

Anyhoo, I'll post something else sooner or later! For now, goodnight :))) Hope you enjoy the new look!

"Am I out of touch? No, it's the children who are wrong."

last night

I had a really fun evening with the close-knit group of transfer orientation leaders that has formed in the last few months of my existence. We went over to K'ms place under the pretense of Overcooked Mario Party, but instead I spent a solid four hours there asking the older computer science kids for help with my homework. I don't know what I would have done without them and I am eternally thankful for their help.

They ran out to fetch our dinner of A&W while I stayed and continued trugging through the work. While I was furiously scribbling and scratching my brow, they talked. It still amazes me how well the group clicks together despite the age differences. I loved listening to them talk in the background - they had interesting, relatable, and very genuine topics. K set out some tea and snacks for us, and it all felt very warm and fuzzy. They didn't gossip or talk poorly of others behind their back, they were just there to have a good time, as was I.

I eventually finished my work, and for the last hour we ran through a round of Mario Party. I had forgotten how fun it was and I actually ended up winning! Seeing as it was pretty late, K offered to let me crash there but I would have felt bad if I had (not to mention the fact that my parents were expecting me home). Ultimately I ended up missing the train, then missing the bus, but in the end it was just a half hour "layover," most of which I spent in the warm underground skytrain station.

Thanks for having us K! It put a huge smile on my face when in the group chat S suggested that we have another hangout sometime soon. It sucks that T wasn't able to make it, but hopefully next time she can :) I want to spend as much time with this group as possible before D leaves to become a grown up.

tonight

So my group of Dungeons and Dragons players had rescheduled our session to today and I've been looking forward to it for a while as I haven't played in a long time. It's still planned for tonight, don't worry! I'm actually writing this post right before I leave to go.

The reality is that it doesn't feel like people really enjoy these gatherings. For the past while we've switched to playing other games as a group (Snakes and Ladders, Skribblio, Spyfall) and they have been good times, but sometimes people can't make it, citing a lack of time as a reason.

As I write this out now I realize it sounds insensitive, but I'm somewhat lost as to how they cannot make it to these preplanned, weekly sessions when they have given time to other things. Perhaps its jealously (it's definitely jealousy) or the feeling of being slighted as a friend, but it rubs me off the wrong way. I can't understand how they cannot make room for three hours of the night.

But who am I to say this? I'm the biggest slacker I know. Maybe the other people have their priorities set straight and genuinely cannot make it. Regardless, I'm sorry for running my mouth. I know we all have loads of work and pressure in life - I want you to be able to relax and not burn out before we're 30. Join us next time :)

happy birthday mom

My mom's birthday was actually yesterday (what a terrible son for staying out late on his mom's birthday), but we didn't do much to celebrate as she had work. As time passes, I realize maybe birthdays aren't exactly what my parents look forward to. Nonetheless, it's another year of life passed by, so it's something.

We didn't have anything grand planned, just a dinner the night before and for her present I'll be looking to upgrade her computer!

umbrella

thanks

I was sitting at the skytrain station waiting to meet some friends to go to school together. I forget if it had been raining already or if the sky was looking a bit sad, but the point is I brought my umbrella with me. Eventually we assembled our party and as the next train pulled into the station we headed towards it. What I didn't know was that I had left my umbrella hanging on the railing. As we made our way towards the open doors, one of the passengers who had just gotten off shouted at me, "Hey, your umbrella!"

I turned around and realized what had happened. I shot him an extremely thankful smile and ran back for my umbrella. He likely didn't know, but that umbrella happened to be my favourite. I haven't treated it extremely well - its colours have been long bleached from being left outside during the summer and the velcro fastener doesn't hold up like it used to - but it's still my favourite.

So thank you Mr. Stranger for that.

downpour

Two days after nearly forgetting my umbrella at the station I was standing at my bus stop in an absolute downpour of rain. As usual, I was headed to school, this time waiting for the bus that would take me to the skytrain station. I arrived at the stop and saw a man clad in rain gear, taking in the elements at full force.

I scooted over a bit and worked up the courage to say, "Hey, do you wanna, uh, get under here?" He smiled and said it was alright, but to my surprise he started up a conversation. We talked about where we were headed and then a little bit about our lives. I thought it was a really unique and interesting interaction and I am glad I was able to do what I did.

What made this encounter significant asides from the face value of having a nice conversation with a stranger is the fact that I have always struggled to ask others if they would like to share my umbrella. I remember many times in my first year where I would be waiting in a long line for the bus to UBC and I would see a stranger in front of me getting soaked. I never had enough confidence to approach them and I was fearful of a rebuttal.

So I'm elated that I asked this man. What makes it better is that the rainy season hasn't fully arrived yet, and now I am prepared for the next time I see somebody who might need a little shield.

lost

Funnily enough the day after the downpour there was some more rain. It wasn't as bad as the other day, but any rain warrants a classic, "Take your umbrella with you!" from mom. The school day went by normally, however I had a midterm at 7pm so I was staying put at school until that was done. I went in, didn't fail, and walked out.

Without my umbrella.

I spent the weekend worrying about it, worrying that somebody would steal it or that it would get thrown away.

But ya boy is back. I just found him in the lecture hall the midterm was in, lying at the front of the room with some other forgotten items. Thanks for staying put buddy.

end

Mr. Umbrella holds a lot of sentimental value to me. I can't tell you how many times I've left it in somebody's car, to be reunited after months, or good times spent under it with others. It's truly one of a kind, and I genuinely wish I had taken better care of it. But oh well, no use crying over bleached colours, we'll just see where the winds take us next.

her <3

She strikes me across my face.

"Look at you, you worthless sack of sh*t."

I slump further into my chair and feel the sting of her blow. What am I doing? It's Thursday night, my assignment is due tomorrow, and I'm here watching a video of a guy describing different varieties of cheese.

She glares at me and says, "At least get up and shower, you literally haven't for the last four days." After a painful tug on my hair she walks away. I wince as I scratch the area she tugged on. She was having one of her bad days again. I sigh and get up from my chair to head towards the shower.

After an hour of showering I hop out. I look at myself in the mirror. My cheek glows red from her strike. That's going to bruise tomorrow. I divert my attention downwards. My belly visibly protrudes, a stark comparison to the near six-pack I used to have. When did I gain so much weight? It was only last summer I was running with her daily and going to the gym.

Lost in thought, she bursts through the door. "Ah you finally took a shower," she says. She grins and steps over to my side. With one hand she pinches my belly and with her other she playfully shoves me. "Let's see how much fatter you've gotten," she says tightening her grip. It hurts and hurts but she shows no signs of stopping. Just before I have to say something she lets go and disappears as quickly as she came.

If it weren't for the lingering pain in my left side I might've thought she was never there.

After the shower I start work on the assignment. She walks past me and casually glances at the section I'm on. An hour later I am stuck on the same problem. She pops up by my side and looks at my work. "Holy you're dumber than I thought. Even that guy from your class said this part would only take five minutes."

I brush her off and keep working. She leaves, but what she said stays with me.

After some more struggling I finally understand and complete the problem. If I had started this even a day ago maybe I'd be in a much better spot. Sleeping in class doesn't help either, but she occasionally keeps me up at night.

Anyways, that's enough for work for tonight. I need to get some sleep for tomorrow, or at least that's what she says. I crawl into bed to find her out cold already. She's kicked off the blankets in her sleep, so I gently tuck them back around her and slide into bed next to her.

Goodnight.

I'm jostled out of my sleep, and as I come to I make out her figure in the darkness of the room. She's on top of me and my face feels as if she had slapped me throughout the night. "Time to get up for school! Can't wait till you have another horrible day of feeling mediocre and useless!" 

She leans towards my face and her hair falls over me. The sweet scent of the strawberry shampoo I use invades my nose as she pulls up to my ear and whispers, "Or is today finally the day you do the world a favour and off yourself?" I can hear the grin and excitement in her voice.

She intertwines her right hand with my left and places a flashlight - no, a pistol in my right hand. With her hand wrapped around mine she puts the barrel to my temple. To be honest, in this moment, right here, right now, I want nothing more but to pull that trigger, but then she would win, and I can't lose yet. I shrug her off and turn on the light.

I get up and wash my face. The bruise I was expecting on my cheek says good morning to me.

"Hey," her head pokes out from the bathroom doorway, quickly followed by the rest of her body. She comes up to my side and wraps her arms around my side in a side hug. She looks at our reflection and smiles.

"You look good today. Sometimes I forget how attractive you are." She tip toes and gives me a peck on my cheek. "Come on, let's go make some breakfast for us."

I glance at the mirror on the way out and the bruise is gone.

We head to school together, her head dozing off on my shoulder on the bus there. Off the bus we walk to class hand in hand. My friends always talk about how perfect we are together and how envious they are. With the memory of her lips on my skin, I feel pretty lucky to have her in my life.

I get my midterm mark back for one of my classes and she asks about it when we have lunch together. "You barely passed? Jesus dude, how stupid are you?" She grabs her bag and gets up. "I can't be seen with somebody as dumb as you." I eat the rest of my lunch by myself, in silence.

After slogging through the rest of the school day I finally arrive home. I enter the living room and find her sitting in my chair, twiddling her thumbs. She jolts up when she sees me.

"Hi."

A stand of her hair falls in front of her face and she nervously brushes it away.

"Sorry for earlier today. I didn't mean it."

Yeah, it's okay, I know you didn't.

She beams at my forgiveness and runs over to hug me. Her arms wrap around my back and I can feel the warmth of her breath as she speaks.

"You'll do better next time, I know you will."

She snuggles her head into my chest and my heart thaws once more. Maybe this time. Maybe this time things will change.

"We need each other. You need me. I need you."

We need each other. You need me. I need you.

I need you.

I raise my hand up to stroke her hair and she strikes me across the face.

"Look at you, you worthless sack of sh*t."

I need her <3

read this

moments

I'm sitting by myself since the seats are in pairs and I look over to see two of them knocked out cold and the other two just doing their own thing and in that moment and all other moments I spend with them I realize that I love them and I'm genuinely grateful that they are a part of my life. I sat by myself because I didn't want to break up their group but I think I am happiest to see them just living and doing their best.

=====

After getting off the bus one night from work, I thought about how tiring of a day it was and I thought about how tired my parents must be working each day. I realized I've been terrible at giving them a warm welcome home when that's all they want from a long day at work. Then I thought about how happy I was to just get home and I ran the short distance from the bus stop to home. I walked in and my parents and brother were in the kitchen, and my dad says to me, "Good work today." In the afternoon I had a dental checkup and I had to head straight to work. My head was pounding half the time I was working and I got home late. Thanks dad. Thanks mom. And thank you too Raymond, it'd be lonely without you brother.


some other things

I've thought a little bit more about my loneliness and I think the thing I miss most about being in a relationship is physical contact.I make a good amount of physical contact with my male and female friends, but I don't think I've ever been nor will I ever be the type of person to show platonic affection through excessive contact. However there is a special language in touch and over the past year since the breakup I've forgotten how to speak in it, at least in the romantic context. I feel a profound sadness in this. It seems like forever since I last held hands with somebody and felt the warm and gentle grip of somebody who loves me.

To be honest, I'm scared that I have forgotten how to show affection and love. I think the breakup had a severe effect on my understanding and beliefs of what constitutes a relationship - the aftermath was not pretty (especially from my side) and I felt as though everything I had done was wrong. It's taken me a long time to dig myself out of that mindset and I am still in this process of working on that.

The breakup left me feeling as if I was completely undesirable and worthless, however my time with playing with the SBL team in the Vancouver Ultimate League helped me so much. The large majority of the team was Caucasian, and I used to hold the notion that I would be treated differently due to my background. It felt that way throughout high school and I was expecting to just be tolerated at most. I behaved with that expectation for the first couple of weeks, but I soon saw that my teammates not only genuinely cared for me, but also liked me for who I was.

It sounds somewhat sad, however I forgot that people could actually like me for my personality. At an ultimate (heh) low in my life, my teammates really did wonders for my self image. From changing dinner locations so that I could attend as a minor to late night drives while pouring our hearts out, they really made me feel special. Just a few days ago I was talking to one of the players from the team and he commented on how after I left the post-season party everybody on the team had good things to say about me. I am reminded of how special the team and those people are to me.

Looking back at it, I think the breakup had to happen. As much as it pains me to say so, I have grown a lot as a person since, in ways not possible if I had stayed comfortable. I know I would go back in a heartbeat because the relationship is still comfortable and familiar to me, even after a year, but I don't regret it happening. I regret the way it happened and I wish that I had behaved more maturely during that time. However I am fortunate for the different pathways it has opened for me. I have met tons of new people who have helped me develop as a person, and I think I have changed a lot since last year.

In the same vein, she has also changed as a person. From my limited exposure, I don't think I could or would love this new person. However it still hurts a tremendous amount, so much that I think my heart is going to self-destruct and splatter over the bus that we coincidentally are both on.

I am still scared that I will not be able to love.

However I look toward the future and I am getting closer to leaving the past.

I genuinely like who I am as of now. There are plenty of rough edges and places where a lot of improvement can be made, but I like me.

With love,
Kevin

imagine

September 4th, 2018

At 6am the alarm blares through my room and I slide myself out of bed. I get dressed, brush my teeth, and have some breakfast before heading out the door. My bus comes pretty quickly and I glance at my phone and am pleasantly surprised to see I'm ahead of schedule. When I get to the skytrain station I shoot a message to the group chat with Phil and Sarah, asking them if they've arrived yet. They respond that they just got off the bus and that's when I realize that when they said they have to meet at 7:30am they meant on campus.

I mentally slap myself on the wrist for being dumb and buckle up for the rest of the trip. To add on, I'm actually running behind schedule and should be on campus by 8:00am. I text my leader and let them know that I will be late and spend a good chunk of the trip staring at Google Maps location. Ultimately I arrive at 8:22am, and while it isn't the end of the world (the students are supposed to arrive at 8:30am for check-in), I'm still disappointed in myself.

The rest of the morning goes much better and I finally get to connect the names I've been emailing for the past month to a face. We head out on the campus tour I roughly hashed out yesterday and although it feels like I'm talking at them for most of the tour they seem to get along with each other just fine. The tour I give them is pretty cookie cutter, but it's difficult to do anything particularly special for Computer Science transfer students - there are literally two comp sci buildings on campus and they're right next to each other.

After the tour my group and I head over to Doug Mitchell for a classic welcoming from the dean of science. We have a panel of experienced transfer students come up for some questions and once we're done with that we head over to one of the aforementioned comp sci buildings for the department hosted lunch. I let my group have free reign at that point after letting them know how the lunch worked, but to my surprise three of them ask to stick around!

We each grab a hot dog, a bag of chips, and a can of pop, and start to look for a spot to eat. I find a table close by with some other students eating there and I ask them if we could join them. We all introduce ourselves and I find out that two of the students are actually second years and had graduated from Mountain.

Some of the other Transfer Orientation Leaders (TOLs for short) joined us, their groups having gone off on their own way, and we talked about courses and such. I gained a lot of insight from the older TOLs and I'm really happy that they came to join us for lunch. They finished up lunch and then they asked me if I'd like to join them to see what clubs were out on Main Mall. To be honest I was thinking that they would leave me behind, so I can't tell you how happy I was to hear them ask that.

Our newly founded group walk down Main Mall and we have a blast checking out all the different groups. I feel like I'm brand new to the school and I regain a sense of the wonder and awe that I had when I was participating in my Imagine Day. We make a quick stop at Abdul Ladha to drop off our signs (we had been holding onto signs with our program name on it) and outside the building S wins a raffle. J meets up with us outside the bookstore and we continue to explore the campus.

We check out what the rest of Main Mall has to offer and after D suggests that we sit down we enter the EOSC building. There I do a cool little personality test with them and in general it's a good time with them. A and K, two other TOLs meet up with us and shortly the other TOLs and I head back to Abdul Ladha to set up for the team social later today.

To be honest there isn't much to set up and most of us spend the remaining time before the team social starts "play testing" the games. I have a lot of fun playing Jenga with B and then Settlers of Catan with the other TOLs from EOSC. When the students arrived we have ice cream and it looks like everybody is having a good time.

Of course the event eventually ends and we start clean up. As we're cleaning up Settlers of Catan the other TOLs talk about how much fun they had playing and we agree to meet up sometime and play again.

Afterwards I meet up with Ja, Je, and Sha so that we can fulfill our plan of going out for dinner together. J from earlier is meeting up with us at the restaurant so we grab seats first. We're seated and the whole night passes by in a blur, but it was a really cozy time and even though we were all relatively new acquaintances it feels like we all get along well. Once we're done eating J kindly drives Sha home and I head home along with Ja and Je.

=====

I feel really proud to be a UBC Science student and a UBC student at all. I'm really fortunate and happy that my orientation group was willing to talk and seemed genuinely happy and engaged at UBC. I hope that I had a positive impact on them and I think back to the words that one of the engagement officers said,

"They won't remember you for what you said, but for how you made them feel."

henlo

So I've been meaning to write this post since the beginning of summer but I think that putting it off until now has helped me further understand the topic.

=====

When the summer first started I was a lonely and lost boy. To some degree I still am, but much less so now. Networks like Snapchat and Instagram amplified my feelings of social mediocrity yet I continued to stare longingly at the vibrant lives of those around me. I felt like my life was colourless and bland in comparison to those that my friends led.

If I were to pinpoint one specific thing that shifted my mentality, it would have to be Canada Day.

I was invited to a barbecue + sleepover at my friend's house and this invitation came out of the blue to me. The friend group was one that I was familiar with, but I didn't think we were close enough to be invited. I was pleasantly surprised and I remember thinking This is how I get that colourful life.

The get together was great and I ended up sleeping over despite not planning to (my first sleepover at another person's house). We spent a lot of time outside just listening to music and talking, and overall it was a very cozy and comfortable environment to be in. The morning after we made a pilgrimage to IHOP and had a nice breakfast together.

While it sounds like pretty standard fare, the party was important to me because it deglorified the lives of others. I had only ever seen these friends through the filters of social media, so spending some quality time with them helped me realize that my life is just as interesting as theirs are. Perhaps it's not even a good train of thought to compare the quality of our lives like so.

Regardless, I had a blast and this event kicked to life some friendships and strengthened some that were not as strong before, and for that I am eternally grateful.

=====

There is another friend group that I have, though as time passes it feels as though we grow more distant. They are the friends of my ex-girlfriend. Only last summer did I hang out with them no less than three times a week, and I'll be damned if that wasn't a fun summer. However after the breakup the physical act of even being with them was difficult. It was always obvious that they would choose her over me, but it didn't lessen the blow.

For a while this had me feeling really low, but as I met more and more people in my life, I found that maybe they are not the close friends I was looking for. Their entire culture and dynamic is incredibly different from mine, and while I had dismissed this as my fault in the past, I know now that I just don't agree with some things that they do.

They're all great people and they mean well, but they're probably not (and they haven't been) the people I want to spend time with the most. I blindly assumed that because they were friends of my partner at the time that they would be what I need, but that has changed after some introspection and critical thinking of myself.

=====

This all sounds good and all, "Wow Kevin had a epiphany, he must feel great," but that couldn't be further from reality. Writing this feels difficult because it feels like I am speaking poorly of the people I really did consider my closest friends when I mean anything but that. I still care for you all and I do enjoy hanging out with you!

- Kevin

more thank yous

To my Vancouver Ultimate League (VUL) team,

Thank you so much for being such an integral and exciting part of my summer. Playing ultimate with all of you has done wonders for my health in general, and I learned so much about the game and myself. Everybody inspired me to do my best on and off the field and I know I've made some truly amazing connections this summer.

You are all some of the coolest and interesting people I have ever met, and all of you are really good at ultimate. I won't forget the evenings spent at some random park in Vancouver and the post-game dinners that usually followed.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I hope we will all play again this fall season or next summer season! Congratulations to all of us for somehow winning our division!

Love,
Kevin

=====

While I was working last Saturday, a woman approached me asking if we still had any of the Jump 50th Anniversary t-shirts left. Funnily enough she found me in the exact location they were located and she showed me some designs that her son had sent to her phone. I helped her find several in medium and as I browsed through piles of shirts looking for sizes she told me a bit about why she was buying them. She said that her son is really into anime and that recently he's swapped his favourite from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure to Boku no Hero Academia. After saying this she asks me if I watch any anime, to which I responded with the white lie, "Yeah, a little bit."

The woman asks me if I have any favourites myself and to be honest, I couldn't think of any so I told her that it changes from season to season. She talks about how she wants to get involved with what her kids are interested and that line really resonated with me. I thought about saying something like, "I wish my parents were like that," but I don't think I'd want to change anything about my parents. I was just really happy that she was genuinely invested and supportive of what her kids enjoyed, especially when it's something "unorthodox" like anime.

So thank you, random mom at UNIQLO.

=====

Quick post tonight as I just wanted to get these experiences off my chest and onto the page. Thank you for reading, and you will hear from me next post!

tonight

i don't want to catch feelings i don't think i'm ready

but i feel and i'm so happy that i do

though it means that i'm moving on, i gave up

gave up on us even though she had long ago

i finally caught up

save me

flipping through the yearbook my fingers can't help but to just

... - take a look, one peek is all

ah

i

should not have

peeked

i stare at a small rectangle on the page

memories flood and drown my mind

i can't breathe

help

even though i manage to pry my eyes away

they devour the remaining contents of the book

imagine if one single second

every feeling just coursed through your body and you felt everything

one

more

time

i huff in the fumes of my rosy high school life

i wish i could go back

papers lie strewn around my room

to the left,

A L P H A S E C O N D A R Y S C H O O L

Students' Council

President

----- ... -----

K E V I N

Z O U

2016 - 2017

an empty take out box,

tax papers narrowly avoiding the wheel of my chair,

the folding chair i made in grade 8,

feelings lost in the air

i scramble to get them but they slip away at my fingertips

my heart cries

          please come back

                     i don't want to grow up

i miss the old you

when i see you i don't want this you

i want the old you, but i know that she isn't coming back

i know that it won't

and i think that's pretty sad

you lose someone you love

but you still see "them"

i wish it wasn't like this

thank you

My ultimate team has some of the most wonderful people I know. I could go on and on about how great they are, but instead I will relay to you the events that happened on the night of August 8th, 2018.

We had our semi-final game for ultimate and it was a hard fought game that rewarded us with the win at the end of the day. As the team is packing up I instinctively take out my phone to check when the next bus towards home comes. I hear the team talking about going out for some food and drinks. I went with them last week and it was an absolute blast, but I heard them talking about going to some 19+ places for today.

I'm in the middle of taking my cleats off when our spirit captain asks me if I would like to join them tonight. Of course I would, but I didn't want to get in their way of going someplace because I am underage. She insists and says that if I want to go they will find a restaurant that works for us. I agree thankfully and then one of the other girls asks me if I want a ride there.

Four of us pile into her car and on the way there we let the wind rip through our hair while we sing off key to Take Me Home, Country Roads.

We actually stop by her place so that she can change, and we end up having a nice little chat with her dad, who actually used to play ultimate. Once we're ready to go we take an evo to our restaurant of choice, The Main, and we meet up with the rest of the team.

Dinner is yummy and everybody seems to be having a good time. I'm quiet for most of the night as I'm seated at the very end of the table, but once people file out I start feeling more engaged. 

Among those who leave are Jacob and Kirin, and we give each other big ol' hugs and warm wishes as they're headed off to vacation and we will not see them until next season starts up. Nick also leaves, and even though he's coming next week he still gives me a nice bear hug as usual. Anika takes her leave as well and though we didn't hug (we usually don't) we all wish her the best until next week.

Eventually it's just Noah, Paul, and Tess left with me and we have fun conversation for the rest of my time there. At some point Paul says to "hit him up for lunch" when we both have free time on campus.

Looking at the time I say that I should leave so I can catch my bus. Upon hearing this Paul offers to drive me home and after some back and forth I gratefully accept. We say our goodbyes to Noah and Tess, giving each of them a hug as tonight was also their last game of the season (they're both going on their respective vacations). We leave and take a short walk to Paul's car.

A minute or so on the road and I open up with, "So how are the physics girls?" (Paul is doing something with physics at UBC) and we launch into saddening hours. We honestly share our thoughts and feelings about our troubles and it feels really nice to have somebody I can open up to so easily.

We get to my place and he drops me off. 

"Seeya next week!"

=====

And that's it. To all my friends who may be feeling slighted by my praise for my ultimate team - please don't. You are all wonderful and absolutely irreplaceable parts of my life. Thank you for everything that you have done for me. You may not realize it, but just by being friends with you all I feel immense support and my mental health is much better than it would be.

goodnight again, sweet dreams

it's been weird

Hey. It's been a while since I last posted and things are weird.

I don't know what it is. My perception of my life has improved, but my emotional well-being is a train wreck. A knot of pure anxiety and fear forms in my stomach whenever my mind crosses her. You can say it's a "lack of closure" or reason it all away, but I think these feelings have been taking a toll on my mental health.

Before her I don't think I felt particularly attractive or intelligent in any way, but once we started dating she built my confidence up. I'd like to think that she loved me wholly and as such I was able to improve myself as a person for her sake and mine.

As you can imagine, after we broke up everything came crashing down. The months following the separation were truly some of the most lonely and difficult I have experienced. It felt like I had lost some massively integral part of my life, and I had. I was incapable of loving myself for who I was, I think because I was habituated to being loved. I lost my reasons and I wandered aimlessly.

I think the worst part of the breakup so far has been the reminders. On days that my mind does not sadistically harm itself by thinking of her I will see her in somebody's Snapchat story or see that she liked somebody's Facebook post. Seeing her happy kills me. I want to be happy to see her enjoying her life, but it haunts me to see that the quality of her life appears to be better without me.

Maybe it's a universal experience - the dissonance you feel within yourself when you see your past partner happier than you.

end.

along the same vein...

Nearly all aspects of my life have improved. My attitude towards work and my social life there has gotten much better. I was recently offered a space in the computer science major (which I gladly accepted) and I got into two classes I was on waitlist for. I've had an amazing time playing ultimate and I've made some great friends there. I have gotten closer to my friends and I have expanded outside my comfort zone.

Yet I cripple myself with insecurity.aklsdjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjalkfalfasdlkjfasd;lkjasf;oihj31opih231endfancnkmc,nmsdak.jnasdfkjhsadfk;jhdf

I wish I could be better at many more things but I am worthless. I have been unable to get out of this rut and it is not her fault that I am like this. This is my own problem.

my chest hurts

end

You know, I'm not too sure how to love again, or even like somebody. I don't love her anymore. I don't like who she appears to be and who she appears to have become. I don't know this person.

I've had some feelings for people, I think you could call it the start of a crush. They're very fleeting and highly superficial, but it's something. It hurts me because I don't know how to deal with these foreign butterflies in my stomach, but also because

[it took me this long to have these types of feelings again. she probably moved on already and maybe she's already crushing or flirting with some other guy who is much better than me] yeah.

BUT YOU KNOW it's like learning how to walk again. Love used to be as easy as squeezing her hand or just talking the night away. I miss that feeling. Now it's this alien concept.

stopped

both of these things happened tonight haha

i was sitting at the dinner table with my parents and my dad suddenly asks,

what happened to that girl you used to walk with all the time

hahahahahahahaha

i played dumb even though i knew exactly who she was talking about but he went on to describe how i would always walk with her at night and how i would walk her home and how she went to alpha too wow i wonder who it could be

eventually we diverted from that specific thing and then he asked me if i had a girlfriend

i lied -  no it's too much trouble

man the next thing he said would have made me the happiest man on earth that moment but instead it just carved me hollow

basically, "you know kevin, you can start dating girls now that you're in uni"

my parents have always been a little icky with me dating before uni, but i never told them about any of my relationships so i never had to talk to them about it (note: i don't blame them for their outlook, i don't agree with it but it is what is normal for them and probably how they were raised)

while i was with her i had to keep our relationship a secret from both of our parents, which was difficult, but possible. we looked forwards to the day when i got into uni because we knew that my parents would approve of me being in a relationship once i was there, but now that i hear this and she is gone, well, yeah

i lost my appetite and i excused myself

              the coin

we were two very indecisive people who were pretty much agreeable with anything, so when it came time to pick a restaurant to eat or pretty much anything we had this coin flip thing. the coin goes waaaay back to pretty much our first romantic encounter, and how it works is

actually, i'm not going to tell you

that's for her and i, from that time, and it belongs to that us

i want to keep something

anyways even without telling you exactly how it works, i can tell you how it came to take me by surprise tonight

marcus and i were talking about going out for lunch tomorrow and we had a hard time picking which local sushi joint to go to. he suggested flipping a coin and i thought,

wow this feels nostalgic

excuse me, i don't feel like writing anymore

goodnight

love,
kevin

psa on using qtips to clean your ears

Dear reader,

So yesterday afternoon I picked up some bluetooth earbuds that I bought from Marcus' house (bless his Amazon Prime account). I got home and I was super excited to try them, but as with most brand new things that involve some bodily contact I wanted to make sure said body part was relatively clean.

Now usually I clean my ears out in the shower (yuck why is Kevin talking about this) because it's a lot easier for me remove any wax when it's wet. I didn't feel like hopping into the shower because I was going to go to the gym later, so I made the grand mistake of using a qtip to clean out my ears. You've probably heard that it's a terrible thing to do, as it usually performs the opposite of its intended use and pushes ear wax further in (also you run the risk of damaging sensitive parts of your ear), but despite knowing this I did it anyways.

Note that I've literally make this same mistake in the past and I've run into the very same problem I'm about to describe.

Later that night as I'm trying to turn in for bed (around midnight), I hear this overwhelming screeching in my right ear, like an absolutely headache inducing swarm of electronic wasps. I toss around in bed and I settle down in a position where I'm laying on my right side in a futile attempt to deafen the sound.

Aaaaaand that's when everything in my right ear went muffled. My heart hi-fived my stomach and I felt absolutely terrible. The experience of being pretty much deaf in my right hear is not an unfamiliar one, and I resigned myself to being partially deaf for a few days. It was extremely difficult to go to sleep and my stomach wasn't feeling too hot so I got up and ate cereal, browsed around on my computer for a bit, and then somehow drifted off to sleep later.

The last time I had this problem my pediatrician had me drop some mineral oil in my ear so that the wax buildup would break down and a week or so later I went into his office and had my ear flushed out. I figured that mineral oil would help, so in the afternoon today I set aside some time and tried putting in a few drops of the mineral oil in my ear (I need time to lie in bed and let the oil do its thing, otherwise it just comes spilling out).

It's very difficult to drop mineral oil (or anything for that matter) into your own ear, so that's another reason to not clean your ears with qtips. Anyways, it didn't seem to have an immediate effect (as usual) and I attended my ulti game still hard of hearing.

Playing ultimate with one of your ears gone is pretty hard.

I just got home an hour ago and took a shower. I was feeling really bummed out and worried that the problem would persist into tomorrow when I have work. So in a last ditch effort I got nice and drenched and then I filled my ear with water, sealed it off with my palm, and then jerked my head to the left as I let go.

And you know what? For whatever reason this worked. I won't try to explain it with vacuums or physics or whatever because I actually don't know what happened.

Yeah so don't use qtips to clean your ears.

Love,

Kevin

Ps: treat your ears right and take a break from earbuds/headsets

Psssst: that also means not playing music at max volume

journey

Today's song of the day is Papercut by OOHYO! Thank you to Phil for letting me know that they released a new song last week. If you'd like, please take a listen while you read the rest of this post.

I've always been a proponent of the saying: It's not about the destination, it's about the journey. In my journey of life one of my most important values has been friendship. As a result, my fondest memories are shared with those closest to me. The first things that come to mind when I think about my journey are the those memories - maybe the time Students' Council stayed very late after school to finish up dance decorations and we had McDonald's for "dinner" or the various hardships the Alpha-UBC squad has gone through in their first year of university. Whatever the case, I'm glad that I got to experience said moments, collecting them as part of "the journey".

While it may seem like I'm going completely off topic, I will say that I have always thought I would do a better job of parenting than my parents. When it comes time to ask them for documentation I need for whatever thing I'm doing, it takes them a bit to dig through their drawers for it. There are also things that I believe they do "wrong", such as washing dishes (they don't pre-rinse dishes) or cooking (I like preparing all my ingredients before actually starting to get things sizzling).

Only recently have I realized my sheer naivety.

I neglect to factor the disorganized state my room is in - I am only able to pull out my personal documents purely because I have fewer things to keep track of. I'm sure that if I don't improve my organization skills I would be much worse than my parents at getting documents for any children of mine.

In regard to our opposing methods of dish washing and cooking - they are not intrinsic parts of parenting. Parenting does not entail "pre-rinsing dishes" or "preparing ingredients beforehand", and I was foolish to mix parenting and basic human habits. I view my parents as parents (naturally), and I do not see them in the same way that I would a friend.

My explanation is pretty confusing, so hopefully the following sentence will help convey the message. Just because my friend does not pre-rinse dishes does not mean he/she would be a bad parent.

My parents are just people, and like everybody else they have their own habits and quirks. They have done an amazing job of raising my brother and I (or at least I'd like to think so), and this mini "epiphany" of mine has helped me realize some other things. They also have their own struggles with parenting, but the thing is: they continually improve themselves and it is a process - it is a journey. My dad did not instinctively know how to fix up a house - he had to learn and lean on others for support. The same goes for my mother; feeding and managing a family of four are skills that she developed and did not learn in an instant.

And once more I am going to go off topic only to desperately tie it back with the main message!

I've been employed at my current workplace for nearly a year now, and if I look back to when I first started working I can confidently say that a lot of things have changed, most of them for the better. As all the staff adapted to working here, we found better and more efficient ways of doing things. However all these better methods were obviously not present when we first opened the store. In retrospect I could say, "This current practice of doing this thing is better, why didn't we do this at opening?" but that would be ignorant of me. Our management would not build a store and think, "This is by far not our best way to do this thing, but we're gonna do it anyways." It is difficult to start anything perfectly, and opening a store is no exception. Obviously we tried our best, but we have also worked hard to improve.

And that is all I have for today. I hope you can take away at least something from the mess I have written. Until next time!

---

This post was refreshing to write, as I actively thought about what you, the reader, would think. I had yet another realization that my writing has just been me barfing my thoughts out onto a screen, and when talking about relatively complex topics such as the ones covered today, it may be difficult to follow along. You and I think differently and we have different experience. Perhaps my examples did not resonate as strongly with you because you have not seen such things firsthand. I tried editing my writing so my thoughts would be more clear, but if there's anything I've learned by now, it's that everything's a process ;)

feels

Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit my old neighbourhood as my VUL game was located at a park in the area.

---

I've been strapped on money lately (a result of overspending and getting fewer shifts at work) so I slap on some sunscreen, put on sunglasses, and start the 30 - 40 minute walk to the park.

On the way there I think about a lot of things. I think about her more than usual. I pass a center that I had my work experience at a few years ago and I remember how bad it felt to be away from her while I was "working." I take a shortcut through a field and I see the familiar sight of a huge willow tree looming over abench that I sat on a long time ago.

My aunt's house (where I lived up until high school) is pretty close to the field, and I want to drop some stuff off so I take a quick detour there. As I walk down the block I grew up on, I see both change and sameness. I wonder if the duck pond just a block away is still there, and I'm reminded of a promise I made to her. Some of the houses have changed owners and some have changed face. Everything else looks to have remained the same though.

I never did get the chance to take her to my aunt's place. I was always convinced my parents and the rest of my family would absolutely love her.

I walk to the backyard of my aunt's place, feeling a little bit like a stranger. Plants grow everywhere and I drop off the goods - a folder of my brother's studying material for when he gets off work - on the back porch. The gate latch that clinks behind me is a familiar sound.

From my aunt's house to the park where the game is there is a pedestrian bridge that spans over a highway of sorts. Again, I'm reminded of when we were here together. As a child I would peer over the thick concrete walls that prevented dumb kids like me from falling over. Now I feel like a lumbering giant looking over those same concrete walls and taking in the sounds of traffic and cars.

Once I reach the end of the bridge the rest of the trip is an uphill walk followed by two blocks to the park. The hill hugs the golf pitch & putt and I recall that the family of one of my friends from elementary school used to take care of the grounds here. That friend also happens to be what young me naively considered my second "girlfriend." For the rest of the trek up the hill my mind swirls with the past and how much fun I had in elementary school.

As I near the end of the hill I bump into two of my teammates unpacking their things from their car. I greet them and we make our way to the field together. When we arrive at the park even more memories flood my consciousness. Though my brain remains in the present my heart skips back years and I can feel those emotions all again, those summer evenings spent at the park with my cousin, those carefree school afternoons,

that time when we got into a fight and then I stormed out or she stormed out, I don't even remember anymore but knowing myself it was probably me. It rained and rained. She ended up sitting at a bench in the park and I sat under a tree at my elementary school. It was cold to say at the least. I called her and I met her at the bench. We both said our parts and made up. Bundled up in our newfound warmth, we waddled over to the local gas station and bought some hot chocolate. We waited for the next bus and took it towards home, getting off and waiting at a McDonald's for a transfer. Over some Junior McChickens we warmed up and talked and laughed and smiled. Our bus came and we made our way home.

My mind snaps back to the present, and I march on towards the rest of my team. We win both our games and everybody has a good time.

---

Not from the game last week but a picture I'd like to share.

Writing this has helped me realize a few things. I use way too many commas in my writing, most of them not even necessary. I think it comes from my speaking pattern and habits as I write like how I speak. Another thing that I'm really proud of is the fact that I was able to write a post about her without feeling bad about myself. Even writing about the little story at the end made my heart well up with the emotions I felt while all that unfolded, but I managed to write it and convey it in a way that I'm happy with. Typically my posts about her end up in the "messes" pile of my box. I think my title selection was poor this time around, but hopefully next time I'll pick something better.

There's more to come!

july flowers

5

I snatch the disc in my hand, having broke free of the person marking me. One of my teammates is a blur as he sprints freely down the length of the field, beckoning towards me.

don't do it you're not good at long throws you're just going to embarrass yourself you'll never be as go-

With my feet now planted on turf, I twist my body to my left side, gripping the disc with my hands, and I throw as hard as I can towards the endzone. My right arms slowly lowers to my side as I watch the disc rip through the cool summer air. It's curving to the left and as it nears the ground I fear that it will go out the left side, however I watch as my teammate scoops it out of the air and performs a small point celebration.

The rest of the team catches up to us in the endzone and high fives are exchanged. My teammate who had just scored the point raps his knuckles against mine and says,

"That was an awesome put!"

This teammate just so happened to be an on-call player who knew our captain. He plays for the UBC team and had immense confidence and agility out on the field, so I felt proud that somebody I respected had complimented my throw.

The rest of the game went smoothly and we bagged two wins for our first week of the new VUL semester.

After the games have completed our team is packing up. I tend to take my time gathering my things, taking off my cleats, and whatever it is that I do, so I'm usually one of the last to leave. One of the girls who I had been talking to on the sideline earlier walks towards me and says, "Later Kev!" She ruffles my hair as she passes by me sitting in my bare feet and makes her way to the exit.

When we were on the sideline I was confused about some of the other girls' names and I turned to her for help. She then jokingly asked if I even remembered her name, to which I replied, "Of course - [actual name]! But some people call you [nickname]." She laughs and says, "Hmmm I don't know if anybody calls me by [nickname]," and I respond, "Yeah cause they only called you that in high school right?" She's surprised that I knew this and I said that I had overheard her talking about a few weeks ago.


9

"Merry Christmas!" I say jokingly as I open up my fist to reveal a handful of plastic pins that were placed in the wrong box. My coworker smiles at me with an incredulous look and she cups her hands together for my "gift." I slowly pour out the plastic pins into her hands and we exchange thank yous (we literally thank everybody for anything that happens where I work). She opens up a drawer and places the pins back where they belong. I return to my mission of rescuing more plastic pins, this time from the size chip box, and when I return to reach for the drawer my coworker pulls it open, beams at me, and says, "Merry Christmas!"

This coworker seems to have an endless amount of energy and she is kind to a near fault. She always has a smile on her face and it's been awesome working with not only her but all the other people at my workplace.

---

Thank you to everybody who has made my July amazing so far. I have so much more to write about and I'm sure that I will find more things to write about as the month progresses, but for now these two days are what I have to share with you.

feeling

june 8

I finally arrive at my aunt's house after a long day of work. My body is weary, and my stomach is empty. I open the door and am cheerfully greeted by my cousin's baby, who had been peering through the blinds of the window for who knows how long. My aunt and my cousin smile and usher me inside, immediately asking me how work was and offering me food.

After I've fueled up the tank, my aunt goes upstairs and a few minutes later my other cousin comes down, jokingly calling me out for not letting her know I had arrived. I had told her earlier that day that I was going to drop by after work, as today is her last day visiting home before flying back to her place.

We play with the baby for a bit (more like the baby played with us), and after a while her mom takes her to go to sleep, so my cousin and I head to the second floor, where we find my other cousin (wow a lot of cousins). He had recently woken up from sleep and was eating (he's working towards being a doctor, so his sleep schedule is out of tune), but we greet each other and banter as usual.

I talk with my two cousins and my aunt for a good while before my mom comes to pick me up. It was a busy day at work so she was quite late, but in retrospect I appreciate the extra time I had to spend with family. My mom joins the conversation and we talk for a little longer, and then we head on home.

june 9

I had trouble waking up today. You see, even though last night with the family was great, when I got home I had a falling out with a friend. It was my fault, and I ended up leaving the group that we were in to reevaluate some things and clear my head. So for that reason, I don't really want to get up. I lay in bed and watch videos and the latest episode of Darling in the FranXX, waiting for time to pass.

Soon it reaches past midday, and I shame myself into getting up and brushing my teeth to grab some food. Either my mom or dad steamed some buns for breakfast and I grab two, bringing them back to my desk with some condensed milk and some "regular" milk. I finish eating, and then I think of what to do.

Recently I haven't played anything with my brother's group of friends, so I ask one of their group, K, if they'd like to play some games. He says he's always down to play games, and we end up playing some games with my brother. Time passes, and it is nearly time for me to go over to my aunt's to watch my cousin's baby. I let my dad know, and he says that we can drive there after lunch.

For lunch he's prepared some spareribs, vegetables, and some sort of dried fish I didn't try. It's a casual vibe at the table and my dad's watching a video on his phone. I whip out my phone and start watching something too and my dad notices. He fumbles a bit, but he reaches for the volume rocker and turns his volume down.

I drive, with a bright red learner's sticker on the back of my dad's car, and when we get to my aunt's, he slowly guides me through parallel parking. After a minute or so, I've parked the car half decently, and he walks with me to the door. Baby is a little bit shy around my dad since she doesn't see him too much, but her mom encourages her to say hello, which she does in a soft voice. My dad leaves for work, and so does the baby's mom.

For a bit we hang out and play with some of her toys. We read, we eat fruit that her mom peeled for us before she left, and we go outside, where she chases the neighbour's cat. We end up crawling into bed and watching videos, and I get tired and she gets tired. I put the phone away and she dozes off in a few minutes.

I shoot a message to a friend who has been helping me with some personal questions and problems, and then I slowly get up. I notice she's fallen asleep with her thumb in her mouth, and I gently take it out. After adjusting the blankets so she won't overheat, I go to the living room, whip out my laptop, and watch an episode of Fate/Zero Season 2. Once that's done, I write up a post I've been thinking about.

At some point my aunt calls and says she's on her way home soon. Just as I'm about to finish the last few words of the post, baby wakes up, so I quickly publish and then we just sit there and hang out. She's still a little sleepy, but we wait for my aunt to come home.

Eventually we hear the door open and my aunt has arrived to relieve me of my baby sitting duties. We talk for a bit - how baby was, how much she slept, what my plans were for the rest of the night - and then I'm off. My aunt offers to give me a ride back home, but I decline and say that the weather is nice for walking (it was).

The walk home was a bit chilly at first, but after I warmed up it was fine. I thought about a lot of things, mostly about the past.

When I got home, I played some League of Legends with some friends and just relaxed for the rest of the night.

---

People do care about me, I just refused to see that because I thought I didn't deserve to be cared about. I'm not all the way there, but it's something.

june 7

They ask me, "How are you getting home?"

I slow down as I'm stuffing my cleats into my bag, and I say, "Oh just bus," and I can practically feel how awkward the air becomes. The neighbourhood surrounding the park we just played at doesn't scream safe and happy, and it's gotten pretty dark.

Yeah those two left earlier. So did the other two. I don't think it's their fault though, they probably had their own things to do that night so I don't blame them for not giving me a ride home. I really don't. They don't have a reason to anyways, so why is it that I always feel bad whenever they leave?

"Couldn't you ask _____ and _____ for a ride?"

I make an excuse about how they don't live in the same area that I do, even though I don't k now where they live at all.

The remains of the team stop and process the situation. They're all biking home, like they usually do, and I'm busing home, like I usually do.

"Hey, just hop on the back of my bike and we'll drop you off at the station!" one of them says.

I refuse, I couldn't do something like that.

She insists, and the rest of the team chimes in and agrees. I give in and I waddle over to her bike, asking how we should do this. She cheerfully says I can take the seat since she's not going to be sitting or I can sit on the little rack she has on the back wheel. I take the rack.

At first things are unsteady. We're wobbling and I can tell that she's having trouble adjusting to an extra 140 pounds on the back of her bike. I say something about how I can just walk to the station, no big deal, and she reassures me that it's fine. My legs interfere with the pedals for the first bit, but I learn to keep them away.

Soon we're out of the park grounds and on the road and everything smooths out. I comment on how much easier it is and she agrees, picking up the pace and letting the wind whip past us. It feels good, and it feels real. It feels like there's nothing else except us, the bike, the road, and the summer night, and I don't have to worry about anything else.

Eventually we near my stop, and she says, "Alright I'm gonna let you off here," but changes her mind and says she'll let me off at the next intersection. Once we get there, she lets everybody else ahead of us know that she's dropping me off, and we slow to a stop.

I thank her and the rest of the team profusely and I bide them goodnight, and for the rest of the night, things don't seem that bad.

Thank you.

lately

lately i've thought that things were getting better
that i had some of it figured out, that something was going right
i love playing ultimate every tuesday, with the junior team i coach
i love playing ultimate every thursday, with the vul team i don't deserve
i even started to love work, for the people, for the smiles, for the feeling of doing something
i noticed that i was getting results, tiny, but there, from my inconsistent gym outings

but it's like for every good thing in my life there are multiple bad things to outweigh them

i royally screwed up by not taking chem 123 and being a dumbass for the whole year
my closest friends hurt me the most
     whether it be because they remind me of her
     maybe i see their snap and she's there
     maybe it's because they care about her more than they care about me
     they're my closest friends, but i'm not one of their closest
     what am i

     what am i supposed to do when everybody asks me to play
     "look at this whiny little brat, complaining about how many friends he has to play games with"
     yeah i guess i am
     i keep letting them down
     "your noble crusade of 'i want to please everyone' resulted in 'it's ok i'll play w u for 15 minutes'"
     yeah i do want to please everyone
     i'm just an egotistical, fake, ugly, wants-to-be-a-white-knight loser
     i hate myself i hate myself so much
i don't even know what i'm doing anymore
yeah i've been seeing "results" but then again i've been "going" to the gym for what? 4 months?
i suck at ulti
work makes me tired, and the truth is i'd rather not work
im ugly
so so ugly

i used to think i was good with people, what a joke
i don't know what to do anymore

you were all right
she didn't cause any of this
she was preventing it from happening
in reality i'm just a terribly constructed worthless excuse for a human being
and she just held it together until she got fed up with me
these are all my problems, and they've always been here

i won't talk about this with anybody so i share it with a screen
enjoy, and laugh at me

why

you don't care you don't care at all why would you do something like this it's not even your fault it's my fault it's all my fault i deserve this i deserve this i deserve this why didn't you respond i need something i want to feel something why am i writing this i just want it to stop and i want to feel okay again is that too much to ask for i thought after all this time at least i could ask that of you i did to be honest, but there goes kevin again ruining everything it's all his fault everything is my fault everything everything everything i feel and i feel nothing all my fault it's so messy i don't know what to do i don't know how to feel am i even allowed to feel happy if i am then why do i feel so sad when i get happy is it because i want my happiness to come from you sometimes too i just want it to stop everything everything stop myself stop everything i want to lose myself in something i want to feel something i want to stop saying the same things over and over again i wish that i would just grow up cause it's just heartbreak right it'll pass with time right and then hopefully i can look back this and cringe at how disgusting filthy sad pathetic and disgraceful i am then i will delete this post and this will never have happened it will be just like it never happened right then i will be okay this is for your eyes only okay make sure you don't show anybody else and if anybody else asks i'm okay right

i saw sparks
singing like la la la la la la
la la la la la la
la la la la la la
la la la la la la