2013.

(No Title)

Once you actually start attempting to write about a whole year and try to sum it all up in a few measly words, it's actually one of the hardest things you can do (I can't even think up a title for this little introduction). I'm afraid that my words alone will not be enough to express my bent up feelings effectively. I managed to finally get myself off the couch after about nine hours of anime (I feel like I just let myself go) and decided to start writing up the oh so obligatory end of the year post. I don't plan to post up anything about the end of 2013 anywhere else (since I tend to get a lot of hate for that), so enjoy this while you can. So without further ado, I present to you...

A Year In Review: 2013 (Not Really)

It's difficult to keep track of all the changes and things that have happened in the past year. If I were to tell the Kevin-from-one-year-ago that he were to go on to take chemistry and skip a grade in a bunch of courses, I am 99.9% sure that he would've started panicking. Looking back, I can see that so many things have changed. Some of them I'm glad for the change. Others I wish never happened. The people around me, and myself, we've all changed.

A year ago I was hanging out with my two favourite people in the world. I was new and fresh meat to high school. Me being me, I was stressing over the science fair project and the booklet (which I can look back and laugh at), yet still procrastinating over it (that largely has remained unchanged of me). Yet I was enjoying it all. I had friends and by that time any idea of transferring to North were demolished. Like everybody else I was excited for the new year.

When I think about old Kevin, I can say that I get sad. But it's a good thing to be sad right? It means there is care in place. I don't necessarily wish that everything stayed the same, but I do regret some decisions that I made within that time period.

Enough of old Kevin.

Right now I also talk to my favourite people. I can't say that they're the same, and although I dearly miss them, I also cherish the new people I have met. There is a chemistry test coming up right after break and a lot of math assignments that I have not handed in. The general theme has remained the same, but the details have changed.

Thinking about 2013 brings a lot of things to mind. There is so much to talk about, but I don't know where to start for once. It troubles me, my incompetence that is. All these things happened and I can't decide what to write about. So pardon me for the randomness that will undoubtedly show up in this post. I can't help it.

I've met a lot of people this year. I like meeting people because every new person opens up a new possibility. I've met the new grade eights. I have also made friends (in some cases, very good friends) with the grade 10s. And I made friends with some of the remaining grade nines that I did not meet last year (what a terrible grade rep eh?). So... erm... thanks if you are a part of my life. My life wouldn't be it right now if it weren't for you being you.

We've all experienced the trends that have hit us the past year. Whether it be whatever the fox says, or a certain Korean dance style, I know that in the future when people rave about them and we are old and fragile, that we can say, "Those were good times." We have lived every single day of this year, and we are the only ones who are able to say that.

Wow. I'm just bad at this. I really can't say anything else, so I will end it here. Thank you for everything that has happened in my life. I know that if you are reading this blog, then you are a part of my life, no matter how small and insignificant, or how big and important.

Ultimately 2013 may not be a year that people will remember for anything significant or life changing. However I can say that I have lived the days that bear the mark of 2013. Sure some days I was sad, and others I was brimming with happiness. Other days can be in-between, and the rest all have their own titles.

My type of thinking applies to a lot of things. I believe that everything should be treated the same. Whether it be people, homework, or schools. In this case though, it's days. I think that every single day is important. I don't disagree in celebrating the end of the year, but the way we made our calendar just made it so that the last day of December would be that day. When people say, "We'll never experience another day like this in our lives." I think, "Well, I will also never experience yesterday, or the day before that, or the day before that ever again." I take everyday as I go along life, only stopping to think ahead when it's needed. Everyday is the same to me, regardless if it is the end of the year.

However that's not going to stop you is it?

Let me put my quote and number right here, so I can just end this post off in a nice way.

As of today, Decemeber 31, 2013, Kevin Zou is a 9 (woah, something that isn't an 8).

"Write it in your heart that everyday is the best day in the year." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hope everybody is safe and sound for the New Year's. Happy New Year's everybody. And of course...

谢谢

danke

σας ευχαριστώ

धन्यवाद

terima kasih

go raibh maith agat

grazie

ありがとう

감사합니다

با تشکر از شما

dziękuję

mulțumesc

спасибо

¡gracias

tack

teşekkür ederim

cảm ơn bạn

אַ דאַנק

thank you.

Analogy

Analogies

I've always been a fan of analogies. From the first time I saw them on some sort of exam I just really liked them. They help us throughout life, providing an explanation to things that otherwise are too difficult to understand.

So a day or two ago I signed in Google on my dad's computer (it was just on hand at the moment and I wanted to check my email). All the bookmarks suddenly changed and a few seconds of searching quickly proved that they were indeed my bookmarks. I deleted the bookmarks that were from my laptop (since my dad also has his) and left it at that.

Today I checked the history on my computer and found to my surprise that it was syncing the stuff (history, bookmarks, etc.) from my dad's computer. I spent a few minutes fiddling around and ultimately ended up deleting all my bookmarks. Another five or ten minutes passed and I ended up unsyncing my accounts from Google on both computers. That seemed to do the trick, but I was still left with the problem of the missing bookmarks.

Now my bookmarks are very precious to me. They keep note of things so that I won't forget. They're a shortcut to places on the internet. I actually keep a lot of bookmarks (although after a while I tend to completely clean out my bookmarks of useless ones), including my friends' blogs, converters, games that I plan to review (yes I'm sorry for not doing a review, but they're gone now), and other random things. I could list about two of them off the top of head, but from there I was done.

I put the two I knew down and decided to just start from scratch again.

My, that was a long backstory.

For today I've just been fooling around playing games (I'm sure anybody who was on Steam on Christmas was playing L4D2 as well), and didn't much use the browser. But I recently started to use it and I found that once I completed just a few minutes of browsing that I was really missing my bookmarks. As I visited sites, I thought, "Hey, shouldn't I be using this bookmark?"

So my analogy is kind of bad, but you can think what you want to think about it. To me, bookmarks are memories, and sites are events that occur in your life. The missing memories are due to amnesia (or in the case of the bookmarks, stupidity on my part) and as you go through daily routines, you know that something is missing. Eventually you regain your memory (bookmark) of that thing and that is... that.

Yeah... That's It.

It's been a bad post. I just felt like blurting this out, but it was probably a bad idea (considering I have to now think up of a new topic for tomorrow's obligatory end of the year post).

There's a bunch of chem to do (I've given up on math since I think I'm at a borderline A and that's a lower priority than chem) and there's barely a week left of break. I'll probably be doing chem on New Year's Day now that I think about it. Oh well. Hope you're having a better time than I am. I'm an 8 today. Thanks for reading.

"Some folk want their luck buttered." - Thomas Hardy

December's Almost Done

Time Passes Quickly

I remember when I was just new to my courses and how I so dreadfully wanted to preform well in them. After a week or two (or whatever the amount of time it took for me to get used to the new time table) I thought, "Wow, this is going to be a long year."

But honestly the past few months has just flown by and I'm already nearing the end of the semester. The timid and scared me seems to only be a few days ago and I can't believe that in around a month I'll already be done my courses (all of my courses are linear so I will indeed be done). If the first half of the school year has passed by so quickly, I really wonder if the next half will pass by just as quickly (if not quicker), or if it will actually drag on (thanks to the AP chem exam) like how I expected the first half to.

As with a lot of things, I guess the answer will come with time.

To The New Year

I don't really want to go all out on this whole the year is ending thing because I still plan to write another post for the end of the year. Maybe it's just because I felt like I needed to put a post up today and I actually have nothing else to write about. Life has been nice to me during this break. The party still lingers in my mind and brings happiness when I think about everything that happened and how much fun I had. I'm (somewhat lazily) doing my work and just being a potato couch for the rest of the day.

So that wraps up a bad and short post. I've been an 8 for the past few days, so why not keep it rolling? I'm an 8 again today. Until next time.

"One lives in the hope of becoming a memory." - Antonio Porchia

Merry Christmas

Let's Get That Out Of The Way

We all know that today is Christmas, so I'm not going to say Merry Christmas at the end, but instead at the beginning (regardless of how much I don't like starting with this). Hopefully everybody has had a nice day so far and will continue today into a great evening. Merry Christmas to each and every one of you. Sorry if this seems really fake and one-dimensional, but I want to let you know that I genuinely hope that everybody will actually have a merry Christmas.

Monday

I went to an extremely wonderful get-together with a few of my friends on Monday and I think that it was just really what I needed. Most (if not all) of us had a good time and what made it really nice for me was that it was the perfect way to start off the break and I kind of needed a party before I seriously started studying for chem and the Math Provincial (although less so for the latter).

So a quick thanks to everybody who went and made the party great. Without everybody there it wouldn't have been the same. I hope that our talks of another get-together during Spring Break (which is now two weeks long in SD41, hooray) will form into actual plans and that I'll be able to participate in another great day.

There's also a party I've been invited to attend in January, so that's something to look forward to in all the craziness that comes along with the new semester (and therefore new courses) and Provincials. I'm really glad that I have the friends that I have.

Focus Closure

If you've been following closely on me with my whole Apex and Focus tryouts thing, then this is the closure for all of that. In the end I did get an email from Focus, but the commute was too long and the other guy who was invited to join the team (along with me) didn't want to take the commute two days a week for the whole season. I was already declined from Apex, and my parents didn't exactly like the idea of me going off by myself on a thirty minute bus ride to Mountain. Ultimately that means that our team won't have any club players again, but hey, we did fine last season.

Thank you for following the whole hectic volleyball club thing if you have.

Goodnight

The break is already halfway through it's first week, so there will be about three quarters left of break. I plan to start working tomorrow (doing some math and learning about solubility in chem) and hopefully I'll get enough done to be able to slack off for most of the time during the rest of break. I actually want to get some anime series out of the way and done with (including Golden Time, Log Horizon, and Beyond the Boundary), but only Beyond the Boundary is finished, so the other two I won't be finished for a while.

Well, I'm off to finish a few more episodes of Beyond the Boundary. As always (even though I might not say it), thanks for reading, and you'll read from me in the next post. Kevin's an 8 today.

"The sweetest of all sounds is praise." - Xenophon

Break

Game Review

Before you jump to any conclusions, you should know that this is not a game review. It's just the title for a new topic. Hopefully I'll be getting one up relatively soon, but that's why I decided to write this little bit before hitting the solid material.

To be frank, I have not played any games that have caught my eye. Lately my days consist of me talking to people on social media, listening to music, cramming for chemistry tests, and playing a FPS and a rhythm game. Of course the FPS and rhythm game aren't... right for a game review here, so don't worry, there will be no terribad review.

The next few days I'll continue my search for a worthwhile game. Until then, just hold onto your seats.

Finally Break.

The last period of the last day before break hits us is funny. Everybody is buzzing with the excitement of the winter holidays and (of course) the absence of responsibility soon to come. Gifts are being thrown at friends, and the air has a tingly feel to it. There is the lingering smell of pancakes coming from Gibney's room and everybody is just taking the last day off. Grade 10 students sigh relief as they realize that they get more time for their upcoming Provincials. Everybody (except of course for grade eights) is looking forward to the new year and the end of semester. The pancake lunch decorations are still hanging up, some now drooping. Chemistry carols are being sung in chem class.

I like it.

For the next while or so I'll just be majorly slacking off. After the Christmas party passes by, I'll give myself another day or two to get prepared and start working on my chem (we essentially have to learn the solubility unit by ourselves over break). Provincials are coming up. I have my Math Provincial relatively soon, but I think I've said that I'm not really spending too many resources on that. The few days after break will be really tough.

Her.

There are four of them. I wonder if they still read this. I wonder if they ever did. Maybe.

I know the first one is off having a very nice time where she is. She and I have fallen out of contact, regardless of what either of us want to believe. I don't think there's anything to say here. This is done.

The second one I'm not done with though. I think that I didn't do everything right, including the end. A lot of the time when I hear about her there's usually something negative around her. I wonder if her high school has changed her. Maybe if I had gone then I could have helped.

Number three. I don't know what to think about this one. It was so real for that period of time. And then it just fell apart because of my mistake. I feel sorry because there's a lot going on with number three. I feel sorry because it was me who did the wrong thing and I was the one to drag her into it.

The latest one. Ever since her I've just been rolling by myself. This one represents change. We had a really nice friendship and I messed it up. I regret this one and wish that it never happened. It really just ruined everything. Up to now. Everything would be different.

All of them mean something. The first one: moving on. She's gone and she doesn't need me. It hurts because she used to be a part of my life, but now she isn't. I'm done with it. She's done with it. The second one: cause and affect. I keep on thinking that I can change something in her life. That if I had kept it going, then maybe she wouldn't be so bad off. The third one: stupidness. I rushed into it. I caused everything to fall apart. I set us up with good intentions. A weak foundation. It was all my fault. The fourth one: regret. I regret everything with this one. I wish it never happened. It perpetually messed our friendship up.

Well that was kind of stupid. I'll probably regret it later. Or not. I don't know. I don't mean anything hurtful. I liked all four genuinely. These are just my thoughts in retrospect.

That's It.

I am done for this post. There is absolutely nothing else to spill, and even if there was, I would've stopped here since I'm somewhat tired and you probably are after reading that giant page of text. Sorry for keeping you here reading my attempt at something that has meaning to it. It's a pathetic attempt.

Because I promised somebody that I was this number today, I will say it. I said I was an 8 and I'm obligated to stand by it. Thanks for reading.

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open." - John Barrymore

Well This Is Depressing

No Focus

So it's just natural that something like this would happen. I got an email last night from Focus saying that I was invited to join the team, but of course I would be unable to get a ride there. My parents are really protective of me and won't allow me to go by myself, and the other friend who made it in doesn't want to go.

Anyhow, that kind of just put a damp cloth over my day. Might as well put that out there before you wonder why this post seems kind of weird.

Lows

With high moments in life come low moments in life, and this definitely feels like a low. I have a math test and a chemistry test tomorrow, and everything just seems to be going really badly. I feel really unfit just because for the past four P.E. classes I've done nothing but preform amateur CPR on Resusci Anne. So everything just feels really bad.

Ride It Out

Like a tornado, or an earthquake, you just have to "ride it out". Sure the next day or two will be terrible, but the days after should be fine (I plan for them to be, but somebody upstairs just keeps on finding some way to screw my plans up). Looking forward to break. Sorry for the short (and bad) post today.

I'm a 6. Maybe halfway between 6 and 7. Up to you between those options.

"I feel we are all islands - in a common sea." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh

The City At Night

N. Boundary and Albert

I was walking home late (or at least it seems late with the shortened days) from a friend's place and I stumbled onto just the most amazing view on N. Boundary and Albert. The view was so spectacular. To some it's just the city at night, but to me it's the liveliness of the whole place. The intersection is perched on a hill, so you can see pretty far. It just made me realize how small I really am.

Oh, and while I was walking on Hastings I met a raccoon on the sidewalk. At first I thought it was a (stray) dog without an owner, but as we approached each other, I realized it was actually a raccoon. Once he reached within three meters of me, he just swerved to the side and hid under a car. Almost immediately after he left the car and continued up the street ahead of me, much to the bewilderment of pedestrians.

Oh the city at night.

Thinking

Whoops, did I just start the last two paragraphs with "Oh"?

Lately I've been thinking about this one thing a lot. It's a... situation. Sometimes I wonder what could have been different if I did that differently, or if I did this differently. Then I remember that I'm contradicting myself because whenever somebody comes up with those if questions, I tell them that there is no point in wondering because you will never know.

Yet I still dwell on this because it's something that really just messed up my life. I hope that it isn't perpetual, but now I see signs of hope dashed here and there. However the higher your hopes the harder the fall. It's just another proverb type of thing that people like to say to make themselves sound smart.

While We're On Proverbs

I really like how a lot of the time people will switch their beliefs in order to support their argument at a certain time. For example, if your friend has just been dumped by his/her partner, you might say something like, "You're strong, you can get over it." But when you're the one who has been shot, then all of the sudden it's like, "I can't live without this person." It's funny. In the end there's just a lot of contradicting.

Look at the time. I've kept you here long enough. Thanks for checking in on this blog and I hope I'll see you another day. By the way, I really enjoy the Christmas air, regardless of what I said in that one post about me disliking holidays. Although everybody might be putting on mask, I suppose it doesn't really matter either way. I'm an 8 today.

"To find a friend one must close one eye. To keep him, two." - Norman Douglas

Today Feels Like A Blogging Day

Hey, What Can I Say?

Maybe it's the huge cauldron of simmering thoughts in my mind. Maybe it's because I'm still a bit hyped and energized after the Focus tryouts. It could be a lot of things, but one thing that I know for sure is that today feels like a blogging day. Feel free to stick around and read, but if you're one of those people that just don't enjoy reading "filler" posts, then you can go ahead and leave (actually, I'm trying to make this not a filler post).

Goodbyes

So I was rereading a few things from my co-op blog (now unfortunately dead) and I stumbled upon this unpublished (probably done purposefully) post from the other author. Now I've read this letter a few times and every time I read it I do feel a bit uneasy inside. I feel like I've left a lot of things untied and now I'm not sure where I stand with my old friends. I try not to think about it a lot, but I wonder if we still count as friends or if we just know each other.

There's a fine line between those two. For some people I have definitely crossed over to the just know each other side. Other people I have desperately tried to keep at friends, but sadly I don't know what they think of me. And of course there are always the people who have forgotten Kevin. I'm just a small memory in the back of their head based on how little or how much interaction we had in the past. But the big thing is that I'm not there anymore.

I've always thought about visiting my friends at Tech. According to some friends, I'm known relatively well at Tech. It makes me happy to hear that because it means that I'm still being remembered by somebody. But every time a day off comes along I find some reason (legitimate or not) to not go. So sometimes I wonder if I've actually moved on.

Anyhow, if you have fallen out of contact with me, I'm sorry. I have two lives, in a way. One that resides at Begbie, and the other that lives on at Alpha. Every once in a while I wear the life that brings me back to a few years ago, but it's safe to say that I'm almost living the Alpha life every single day now. So sorry for never giving a proper goodbye.

... And That Wraps It Up

That's it for this post. After this I'll probably just end up chatting on Facebook for a bit more and then showering.

Just another week until break. Today I'm an 8.

"Come live in my heart, and pay no rent." - Samuel Lover

Breather

Weekend

The weekend is finally here (yay) and I can kind of relax (there's still a mountain of math to do) and just step away from everything that's happened this week. Second Focus tryout this Saturday (I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make cuts in my semi-sick state), so I'm also pretty excited for that. Speaking of Saturdays, I haven't been to a Spud Patrol in a very long time because my cousin just isn't around to go with me anymore (so that's kind of sad).

Another huge thing is that winter break is coming up (and of course along with that, Christmas), so I'm very excited to just clock in some more hours of sleep and finish any work that needs finishing. Fortunately this year I won't have to spend it thinking about my science fair project. My Math Provincial is actually coming up pretty soon (January 30), but honestly I've just been having a lot of fun (in terms of learning) with the course and I feel confident about it.

And while I'm looking so far ahead in the past, I might as well mention a few blog stats. This is the 329th post on my blog, which means that I'll be hitting number 350 sometime around the start of 2014. According to past stats (working with stats on a monthly basis), I should be having a drop in views right now, but I'm hoping that this is a gradual increase and not some sort of sporadic pattern.

Not A Bad Week...

This week has definitely been one of the better ones. Actually, this Friday was really easy on me. P.E. was just skating, Chem was a "work block", French was just a test (I finished early and hung out with friends in Science 10 for the rest of the block), and in Math I finished a few worksheets and got back test results. So... a really good day (in comparison to the rest of the week).

Of course there's other things that happened, but those things don't have a place here.

End On A Good Note

I might as well end this post on a good note, so I'll end it right here. Thanks for reading and thank you for your continual support (that is, if you have given any). The next post will probably be on Sunday or Monday (something like that), but I feel like it's leaning more towards Monday. I guess you'll figure it out in a few days.

Goodbye for now. I am an 8.

"Enthusiasm moves the world." - Arthur Balfour

Photos

Looking Back

So I just finished rearranging the photos in this mini photo album that I've had in my drawer for what seems like the day I was born. It has a bunch of pictures from when I was around (my guess) five years of age and then it jumps from there to some other random point of time. I realized that I was missing a baby picture of myself, so I decided to dig through my family's giant photo album and snatch one from there (I can now say that there is a missing photo in the album among all my baby pictures).

All the photos in my little album are in (roughly) chronological order. Me being me, I took out all of them so I could put the baby picture where it should be. Right at the start. While I was looking through the photos, I realized that I was missing a lot of photos from my last few years of elementary and my first year of high school. I remember there two really just great friends printed off a bunch of us together having an amazing time, and they put it on my locker for my birthday.

On the last day of school (or near that time anyhow) we had to clean out our lockers. I found in my locker the same wallpaper and photos on it that those two had made for me. I didn't know what to do with it. Some part of me wanted to keep it, because I hoped that we would have more of those moments frozen in time together, but another part of me wanted to just trash it. I ended up doing something silly (flipping a coin probably) to ultimately decide what I would do with it. As fate had it, the coin flipped a certain way and I threw it away.

Honestly that is one of my biggest regrets in my life. Those frozen moments in time I can never get back, and the way things are looking right now (mostly because of me), I will never be able to have that type of moment again with them. So I'm sad because of that. But happy because it happened.

One day I hope that the album will be filled and when I die that it will be shown at my funeral. I hope that the people who are caught in that frame of time with me will be able to smile and remember lost times.

But I guess I've got a long way to go.

Dating.

My mom asked me last night if I had a girlfriend (which I honestly and quickly replied no to), but that has sparked the next topic for this post. So I've decided to just get it over with and speak my view on dating (at this age at least).

No. I think there should be no dating at this age. I've said this before maybe once or twice, but I just don't agree with it. Of course, I've been stupid and I've done things like that, but after being able to think about it without the influence of being in a "relationship", I think that's it's just a bad idea in general.

I think that high school love is short lived. You meet new people, and you feel attraction towards them. Of course with new people new love interests start. Some of my friends started dating and I can say that almost every single relationship has ended within a year.

But then what's the point? What is the point of breaking hearts and being heart broken? I think that you're just setting yourself up for a painful experience when you jump into a relationship irrationally. I'm not saying that I despise on everybody who's in a relationship right now (I actually wish them the best of luck). These are just my thoughts.

I'm Stupid ^-^

I've just done some stupid things in life. Hope this won't be one of them... again.

Goodnight. I'm an 8 today. I've actually been an 8 for a while. Hopefully that'll stick around.

"The finest steel has to go through the hottest fire." Richard M. Nixon

Affect

Effect Vs. Affect

Before I can go on about affect, you have to know what it means. If you already know, then go ahead and click here to get to the next topic. If you're a bit wobbly on where the line is drawn, keep on reading.

Affect means to have an effect on or to make a difference to. Effect is a change that is a result or consequence of an action or another cause. I used to be confused between the use of these two, but now I think I have a very clear meaning for these two words.

My rule of thumb for when to use effect and when to use affect is if you're talking about a feeling or emotion or interaction between living things use affect and if you're talking about something non-living or something consequential use effect. Feel free to use whatever you want as long as you get what it means. Anyhow, onto the actual topic of conversation.

Affect.

Today there were two people in my French 9 class that seemed off. One of them was a student, and the other was actually the teacher. The student seemed off in the way that he was not his usual raucous self, but instead was kind of down and depressed. The teacher was off because she was snapping at everybody without warning and seemed like she was just lashing out at everybody.

First of all, I just want to say that the student and I aren't the best of friends. We don't have anything against each other, but we're just friends. However I'm not enough of a friend to him to be able to have the... right (does that work?) to try and comfort him. I feel like I'd just make him worse. Anyhow, there were rumours of his girlfriend breaking up with him or whatever, and honestly, I think that is the case.

But I don't think just because your girlfriend (or boyfriend in some cases) broke up with you gives you any right to just walk into a class and affecting everybody majorly. If you're mad or sad, then you stay home, or you keep those things to yourself. I try to leave my personal life and school life separate.

I don't want to sound like an ass or anything, so I will say that I genuinely do feel bad for the guy. The past few days I've seen him he's been much more vibrant and joyful mood, and now just to see him like this... well, who wouldn't feel bad? One thing I do want to say is that I would've just wanted him to stay home. If he was really that miserable (enough to be angrily pushing chairs aside), then he should've just stayed home. No point in going to school.

Oh, and everybody should stop being an idiot and teasing him about it.

Now for the teacher. At times it seemed like she was okay, and at other times... no. She seemed a bit angry, and I remember that she did mention that at the start of Term 2 she'd be teaching another block before us. The teacher said that she'd probably be very moody by the time she got us in third block, but... I don't know. Something felt wrong, but I'm not one to poke into her business. I would've preferred if she just made an announcement about how she was feeling off and for us to behave properly (for once), but that's already expected out of us.

Overall just a really bad French block.

My, That Was Long.

Sorry for keeping you here for so long. I'll keep the ending short and snappy.

I'm an 8 today. Fortunately French class didn't put me in a bad mood. Shout out to Viola and Hamish, who are our new grade eight and grade ten rep (respectively). There was also another grade eight rep, but I don't actually know who he is, so I can't really shout out (congrats to him though).

"The brighter you are, the more you have to learn." - Don Herold

New Design (Finally)

Goodbye Dear Old Simple Design

It's yet again that time of any blog's natural lifespan. The design change. A metaphorical face lift if you will (since I'm not changing anything under the "skin"). Anyhow, as I usually do, I will run quickly through what I did to get to this point of design for the blog.

Essentially I just searched up for some clean templates from a different source. My other source had really boring and repetitive designs, so I ended up finding this template from my new source. I messed around with the widgets, swapped the custom-made social media icons for the template-made ones, and (as a last minute decision) made a new favicon and a header for the blog.

As with most templates, they are not perfect. The one thing that I do not like about this template is that the blog posts do not have the date, but instead the time. I'll try to look into that for the next bit, but if I can't find a solution, you'll either have to live with it for a while or I'll temporarily switch back to the last design. So... hope you like the new design. If you find any bugs or anything just leave a comment, send me an email or something.

Children Are Investments

This saying sounds strangely familiar to me. Children are investments. I think it's... true. People spend time, money, and love on us, in hopes of us being able to return all of those back to them with profit. You don't really hear the words "children" and "investment" together in a sentence, but I think that in this case, it makes a very powerful sentence.

Honestly I don't know if I'm a good investment. I feel like I will grow up to be a disappointment to my family, but I will be happy with myself because I'd like to believe that I have low standards of happiness (that it doesn't take me much to be happy). Of course I'm not striving to be a disappointment, but I hope that my family is prepared if I do become one. In fact, it's not even in my life plan to be one.

I think everybody hits a point in life where they are forced to make a huge decision that will affect them and the route that their life takes. When I think about this, I wonder if I've passed that point already. Then again, there might be more than just one point. It might vary from person to person.

I'm Done Here.

My Saturday is an 8. It's definitely far from being bad, but there is something missing. I'm still sick (probably got worse over last night) and now I have a wet cough. Fortunately it may be the last symptom after a sore throat. Fingers crossed that I'll be better by tomorrow morning and I'll be able to enjoy my Sunday (well, as much as I can with the homework I have). Thanks for reading this post, hope you'll be reading the next one.

"The trouble with life isn't that there is no answer, it's that there are so many answers." - Ruth Benedict

What Do I Say?

There's Not Much Happening

Most of the stuff that's been happening is pretty minor and not really worth the talk on this blog. The major things that have happened are for my personal thought and consideration. I think it's better if I keep those thoughts to myself. So in a way, a lot of stuff has happened, but all of it is either not blog worthy or for my personal thoughts. I suppose that's how it's been since the start.

By the way. I dropped another project (yes, the lyric video) and got declined from Apex (along with the other two guys I was going with). I really enjoyed going to the tryouts though because I probably learned a lot more from them than sitting at home doing nothing. Focus tryouts this weekend and next weekend. These are the things on my mind.

Obligatory Update: Done

Really short post today everybody. Hopefully whatever deity watching over me will throw something into my life to make it more interesting than it appears in this post, but for now, that's it.

I'm a 7 today. Thanks for reading. Until the next post.

"To forget oneself is to be happy." - Robert Louis Stevenson

December

Golden Age Thinking.

My French 9 class recently finished the movie Midnight In Paris (I liked it), and the one thing that I got from it was this term called "Golden Age thinking". I was intrigued by this idea and found myself thinking about it for a while.

"Nostalgia is denial - denial of the painful present... the name for this denial is golden age thinking 0 the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one ones living in - its a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present." - Midnight In Paris

I have definitely not lived enough years to even remotely experience Golden Age thinking, but I think that I feel it to some extent. For sure, I find it difficult to cope with the present. When I look back at my Facebook profile and scroll back to my first year of high school, I feel a pang of extreme nostalgia. I can see how ignorant, inexperienced, and... plain stupid I was. The relationships that I had with my friends... they've changed so much over the span of just a year.

Yes, I feel nostalgia. I want to go back to that time. Do I regret what I've done? I don't know what I've done so far. Am I happy with life? No, but then again, I think there is no way that anybody can be happy with life. Even if we are happy, we find things to be unhappy about.

New Month

Wow. This much time has already passed. It seems like just yesterday I was getting to know all the new people I've met. I can't say that I've fallen into a balanced routine of school and friends and leisure activities, but at this point of life, I wouldn't say that it's unbearable. While I don't particularly enjoy this period of my life, I don't hate it either. I live because there's nothing else to do.

Anyhow. Cheers to a new month. I started off this month with a sore throat and throbbing headache, but hopefully the rest of Decemeber will compensate for it. I am a 7 today. I'm actually really excited for the grade eight elections. Can't wait to see the new leaders of the school.

"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced." - Soren Kierkegaard

Breathe

Cold Weather Is Nice.

I like it whenever it's cold enough to see your breath in the air. It's like this wonderful little puffy cloud, and you realize that it's you. That breath was made by you. The cold weather enables you to see your breath, and that in itself reassures you that you are still alive and that life is still worth living, just because you can breath easy. It's a shame that it's only a short walk to school for me.

Hopefully it'll snow. I like snow. The sound that it makes whenever you crunch and pack it against the ground. It's very nice.

Day Three

The Apex tryouts were pretty good. The first day I was very nervous and I couldn't play properly. I guess it was just because of all the intimidating people and the new environment. However today I calmed down and relaxed a bit and just played. I think I did much better today than yesterday. I've settled into the group and although I don't quite fit in yet, I hope that if I do make the team that they'll welcome me.

Anyhow, off to day three tomorrow.

Little Things

Life is full of little things now. I'll try to update every now and then, but it seems to be going pretty smoothly right now. I keep on finding new things to blog about, but then I never make up the blog post for it, so I end up forgetting about what I was going to write about. A few days ago I came across this really good topic, but as of now I cannot recall what it was. Maybe it'll come back to me in time.

Life is... simple. I like it the way it is. 8.

"What's right isn't always popular. What's popular isn't always right." - Howard Cosell

Apex

Hooray For Apex

Apex tryouts are coming up on Wednesday and I'm actually pretty excited about it. It's something new to the week, and if I made the team it would just mean so much (I'll probably kill myself for writing this if I don't make it, but eh).

Many people have showed some support towards me trying out for Apex, and I'm glad that I'll be walking in with that in mind. Along with the tryouts, I also might bump into a few friends at the first tryout (which is located at Van Tech), so that's another thing to look forward to. Tryouts span over three days (Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday), so it'll be something to keep me busy for the next while (and that's all that matters now).

What Else...?

I was appalled by what happened today in the last block. I heard rumours going around about some sort of "sex ed" assembly for the ninth graders around lunch and asked my third block teacher about it (because my last block is a grade 10 block). She confirmed it and I asked to excused from my math class. The announcements went on calling for the boys to go to the dance studio and the girls tot he library. Anyhow, that sets the back story.

There were two bodies of chairs, each being about five by six. Being the first there I grabbed a seat near the middle rows in the right side. My friend (let's just call him A for simplicity and privacy) quickly filled in and my other friend (you can probably guess, B) went in after him, making me closest to the outside.

So over the course of last year and what has been the span of this year so far, I've heard that B was being picked on and was left out because of something (details of that I wouldn't share if I knew). However I didn't know how bad it was. Some other guys started throwing stuff at B and I don't know if I imagined it or anything, but it looked like he was on the verge of tears.

I actually felt like just picking a fight with the guys over on the other side, but that's not exactly the best way of solving stuff, so I just said quietly for B to switch seats with me and he sat between me and A (who had shifted to the outermost chair). And that was that. I feel good about what I did. I think I did the right thing.

Going To Cram Study

Chemistry test tomorrow means cram studying tonight. I'll probably just review a lot of Hebden AP Chem notes and barely get an A on the test tomorrow. Organic chem is just something that I don't particularly like. Actually, maybe I do, but I just don't spend enough time getting to know it. Kind of like first impressions.

Here's an early goodnight for you (goodnight!). It's been a nice day today. Weather's also very cold, but pretty. I'm an 8 today. Slowly getting there, but I don't think I'll ever be a 10. Who knows though?

"Time is the fairest and toughest judge." - Edgar Quinet

No, I Have Not Died

It'd Be Interesting If I Did Though

I'm sure the majority of people who have had spare time and nothing to have thought about this. What would the world be like without me? A lot of times I take this question and think about it in two ways. a) how the world would have been if I never existed and b) how the world would be if I died, but had existed. It's something that I will never know, but am dying (haha, get it?) to know the answer to. Sure, I can guess, but I can't say for sure. The bad thing is that I usually take the most interest in things that I will never figure out the answer to. Silly me.

And if you're one of those few people who have never thought about this question, go ahead and give it a try. It kind of puts a value on your life and shows you how much you've impacted the people and world around you. I'm afraid of dying without doing anything significant.

Birthdays

So if you didn't know, I recently turned 14 (whoopie). I mean, yeah, it's great and all that I'm now 14, but I really dislike birthdays to the point where I wish I could just stay home for the whole day. When I think about it, I actually don't like many holidays. I know it sounds kind of clichéd, but why isn't everyday like a holiday? Why on this one day must we put on masks and pretend to be happy when we're just downright depressed?

Although some people may be genuinely happy for some holidays, I am not. I find no reason to celebrate a day that is just like any other. Yes, I'll take part in all the traditions and stuff, but I'm just another person wearing a mask. However it's much more intimidating when everybody's wearing the mask and I'm the only one who isn't.

Too much attention I guess.

That Concludes This Post

Sorry for not posting for a while. I just forgot about it for a bit and was caught up in the events of the past week. Actually this week has been pretty busy in terms of work and obligations. Then again, it hasn't been a bad week. Not at all.

I'm a 7 today. Ambiguity is very interesting.

"Know or listen to those who know." - Baltasar Gracian

Searching

Searching For... Something

It's a funny thing, but it's also a great way to explain the lost feeling you get in life sometimes. You're just searching for something, but you don't know what that something is. If I try to explain it, I guess that what I really mean is that people look for something because they feel like they're missing something. Kind of like you've had your memory wiped, but you remember the specific qualities of a person and being unable to put a name to that person.

I think it's an adequate way to explain what I feel right now. It might be a good way for you to explain how you're feeling this moment. But in the end you'll find that something. If it was what you wanted, or what you needed, I don't know, but you'll find it.

Life Is Fun.

Look, it's probably just another boost of random optimism, but it feels like life is fun. Sure, we get all these obstacles that we have to clear, but that's the essence of life isn't it? Life just wouldn't be life without all the complication that is involved in it. I mean, why else would we complicate our lives? As I said, might just be a mood swing thing, but life is fun.

So if you ever get down or depressed, just remember that something has to happen, and that eventually that'll lead you to somewhere else.

Goodnight It Is

It's getting somewhat late (for me at least), so I'll be heading to bed. Hopefully I'll finish what math homework I have to still do, but hey, maybe not. It's just been a good string of events so far I suppose. Goodnight to all then.

Rating today... I'd say an 8. Probably one of the better days I've had.

"Responsibility is the price of freedom." - Elbert Hubbard

Just Stalling

The Inevitable

Eventually I'll have to close off this post and actually start studying for the chemistry test tomorrow, but for now I'll just hold that off for the time being. After this post I'll probably just do five-minute-time-wasters until it hits 11:00 p.m. and then at that point I'll realize how much I have to still review and stay up for part of the early early morning.

But for now here's a post.

Report Cards ^-^

Hey, I actually remembered to use that face. I feel kind of bad and good about my report card at the same time. If you really wanted to know, I got A's in all my courses excluding Concert Band 10, where I got 84% (kind of regret agreeing to go in the first place, but oh well), but I'm glad I'm even able to pull off the marks that I'm getting right now. 88% in Chemistry 11 AP, 99% in French 9 (doesn't really mean much), 90% in Physical Education 10, and 94% in Math 10 Foundations Honours. There it is.

I don't really care about the one B thing since I think I've done better than I expected. It won't exclude me from Honour Roll, and apparently it doesn't even really make much of a difference in terms of university applications (I'll just need to seriously pick up the slack in grade ten and from there).

Sonder.

A while back somebody commented on a post with the definition of sonder. The definition originates from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows and I apologize for not have written about this earlier. Sonder has definitely become one of my more favourite words. I love the definition of it because it's something that I just realized recently and it intrigues me. It's difficult not to get stuck in your own world and realize that other people have just as complicated lives as you.

Life is nice.

Done For This Post

It's been a sort of crappy post hasn't it? Apologies once again. Anyways, thanks for continually checking up on this blog. It's been gaining consistent views to the point where I can hope for anything between 1,000 and 1,500 a month. I know it doesn't sound like much, but to me it does, simply because I know that there's somebody listening.

Hmm. I'd have to say I'm a 7. It's been a fun day. Report cards. Volleyball. The usual. Speaking of volleyball, I'm trying out for Apex relatively soon. Wish me luck.

"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe." - Abraham Lincoln

Less Frequent Posts

Hey There

I will be posting less frequently on this blog (not to say that I have any other blogs, because I don't have any that are active), and I thought I'd give you a heads up. As you can probably tell, I'm not really in the fit state to be posting because things I might say are things that I may regret in the future, so I'll limit my posting to every three to four days or so. For all those people that "worry", don't. I'm doing fine with everything, I just don't want to say something that I will regret.

However that doesn't mean that the content of the posts will be any different from what I usually post. Posts may be longer than they previously were, but that's only natural since there's more build up of stuff to write about. Most of the stuff that you'll read in the future posts will definitely be more cheerier than how I must sound right now. I guess it is quite difficult to sound happy after such a terrible post.

Music And Friends

Lately I've been talking to two new friends a lot and listening to a lot of that type of music. I enjoy talking to these friends because they are just... unaware of all the luggage that I have on my back. They know what type of person I am, but have no idea what type of history I have, and in that way we're able to have these pure conversations where our opinions of each other are completely new and are in no way affected by our respective histories. I like that aspect of our daily conversations.

And of course whenever you're feeling down you just listen to music. I find that it really helps. If you were curious as to what that music is, I've just been listening to a few Japanese songs, songs like Shiver, and... I don't know. It's easier if you ask me online or in person.

In Person

I've wanted to get this straight with a few people. I'm not running away from you if you've ever tried to confront me in life to check up on me or something at school. Maybe I was just really distracted and talking to another person, but it feels unfair when you say that I have been just avoiding you the whole time, because I had no idea that you even wanted to talk to me. I definitely acknowledge that I get occupied very easily, but I have completely no intention of avoiding anybody.

I'm a different person online (at least I think so) and my responses are different from how I would respond in real life, so I get if you want to talk to me in person about something serious, but nobody has really came up to me to talk. And even if I was distracted, it just means that you obviously weren't trying hard enough to get my attention.

Until Next Post ^-^

My friend calls that face (in the subheading) the "I'm trying to show you that I'm pretty good but I'm kind of not face" and I can't see how it couldn't be that type of face. It explains the face so well whenever I use it, and... I'm surprised that my friend stated this. But yeah, from now on, I will be using that face in the subheading whenever the topic that I'm talking about involves something where I'm feeling pretty good, but also somewhat not doing that well. Or I'll at least try. I don't know if I'll remember.

That wraps up another post. Thanks for continuing to visit. We hit 21K today and I'm glad for the traffic that I have been receiving. I am a... 7? The other numbers don't feel right, so it must be 7.

"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." - Indira Gandhi

I'm Sorry.

I'm Sorry

For leaving behind any friends.

For turning away any help or support.

For being a jerk.

For continuously arguing with you.

For not thinking about elementary school friends.

For continuously blogging.

For being so vague.

For being so depressing.

For being such a fake.

For not saying hello to you in the hallways anymore.

For looking for other friends.

For being a drama queen/king.

For so many things and the countless more to come.

I don't like being sorry, so this is a rare occurrence. I hate owing people. I don't like it when things aren't balanced. Sometimes my friends talk about me on their blogs, but then I don't know if they are or not. It confuses me. Then I get worried because I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. It's conflicting because they don't talk to me, and they don't ask me to change, so that must mean that I'm doing something right. I must have done something right.

It Hurts A Lot.

I didn't think that I complained a lot about my situation. I thought I stayed relatively quiet about it. Am I being overly dramatic? Sometimes I think that I've gotten worse over the years. I hate myself. I love myself. It hurts. You used to respect me. Did you? I can't even tell if you were talking about me, but you had to have been. Who else could it be? Maybe I'm just being conceited. I wish I was. Then that way I could just be embarrassed and laugh it off.

Serves me right if you've lost respect for me. There was never anything to respect anyhow. I feel bad though. That statement makes me feel like I've gotten worse. How is that possible?

I'm not being controlled. I'm not being pressured to do things that I don't want to do. You guys always ask if it was him who forced me to do this stuff. Eventually I had to say yes... right? But I did it. There was no way he could have just forced me to do anything. I did it for me. Myself. I didn't do it for any one of you guys. I didn't do it for anything else except for myself. I want this. Stop thinking I'm so stressed out, because I'm not. In reality you are stressing me out more than anything else. Just god, stop.

Talk to me. Don't write a blog post about the whole thing. I hate that type of stuff. So that means I hate this post. Figures. I do anyways. There's just so much stuff going on.

Night.

What else can you expect? 2. Feeling like crap.

"When you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dreams." - Unknown

Black Hole

We All Fall

At one point (or many points if you are unfortunate enough) in life, you fall into a hole. You have no idea where you are. You don't know what you were doing before. All you know is that you have fallen into this hole. It's about the size of an elevator, and you can't see anything. It's a circular hole, and the sides feel smooth. How far down are you? You don't know.

I think I'm stuck in this hole right now. I just keep on repeating the same things everyday and everyday and it bores me to death. Sometimes I feel like I want something new, something fresh, that I'm willing to go out of my way to start that thing. Whenever I'm talking to a girl, I feel like just blurting out fake love lines to see how she'll react and what she thinks of the whole thing. Passing a fire alarm usually triggers some part of me that just wants to pull the thing so that school will be cancelled or at least paused for a while. Recklessness. Boredom makes me reckless.

So I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this hole. I'm trying to be calm. Maybe I'm the complete opposite of calm. I could be furiously trying to claw my way up, only to completely exhaust myself and crumple down to the ground. People are different, so they have different approaches to this hole problem. Some may just sit there and accept everything passively. Then there are people who will scream and kick the walls in anger, not willing to accept, yet not willing to try to get out. Others will yet try desperately to get out, like a savage animal trying to escape a cage.

Have you fallen yet?

So Much Has Changed

The grade eight Kevin would have a difficult time trying to figure out what happened and where it went wrong all the way up to today. At what point did everything just go... poof? It feels like everything has changed drastically. People have called me a different person, and maybe I am one now. No, I'm sure of it. I am so much different from the person I was one year ago.

Just about one year ago I was having the time of my life in high school. I always spent time with these two great friends I had made. I expected to breeze past the rest of high school and enjoy it with those two friends. There was no way I could have seen what was coming in one measly year. One year was all it took for everything to mess up. I just don't know where it went wrong.

I'm Done

Got into another fight with a friend. How nice of me eh? I've been having a pretty bad time with people from my own grade. Maybe it's natural, since you know, I kind of abandoned everybody and went off to pursue my own education and made new friends. Yeah. I consider the grade 10 students that I have met so far to be very good friends. Especially my chemistry friends. I don't know how I would've made it through the last two months without them.

Of course, there's always credit for those grade eight friends who have helped me get up to here. Thanks to you too. That just about wraps it up. I'm a 6. Goodbye.

"Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them." - Bruce Lee

I Want To Go Back.

Back To My Home

Recently a long lost friend of mine added me on Facebook with her new account. She told me that she saw our grade seven teacher while she was out somewhere with her friend (I didn't get much more info on what happened), and that got me thinking about Begbie.

I dearly miss the days when I used to attend at Begbie. I miss the people. I crave for the all the buried friendships. I want to relive all the moments of triumph, sadness, and everything in between. It's like this one chance meeting has suddenly brought my whole past back to me. It feels like I have been pushing my past behind me, but now there's no point of running.

There is nothing for me at Begbie anymore though. I'm done with that part of life, and I have accepted that. However I plan to make a visit as soon as my schedule allows me. I think it will be good for me, and while I'm not that good of friends with the current grade sevens, I believe that there will be some value of going back.

I would like nothing more than for all of my graduating class to just come together one day and catch up. I'd tell them about all my friends, and they would tell me about how their lives have been wherever they ended up. I've always considered Begbie a home, a place to go whenever I'm unwanted. All I want right now is to just go back to my home.

Just Felt Like Blurting

Seeing I haven't posted in two days, I decided to put up a post. Apologies once again for no supporting/relevant images. A lot of the stuff I talk about either don't require images, or don't fit with images. I mean, if I was talking about death, it wouldn't be nice to put a picture of a grim reaper or a dying person (in my opinion at least). You can pretty much see a few of those awkward posts here and there, so... yeah. Probably won't be any pictures unless it works out.

It's been a depressing few days. Chemistry class is actually taking a lot out of me, but I'm glad that term one is over. It just means that I have a new chance to restart and I can work on consistently getting high marks. I keep on going for reasons though. They're my own reasons, and it works for me. I'm a 7 today. Today wasn't a complete disaster. Oyasumi.

Sometimes It Hurts

It Hurts

When people say something like "whatever" or "I don't care" as a response to anything I say, I feel kind of... bad. I think about how people are indifferent towards what I am saying. Feelings clash because I know these people, and I know that they care, so I start feeling sympathetic towards those people. Why? Well, if they're being so cold towards me, that means that whatever problems they have must be much worse than mine. There's no way they would just say something hurtful intentionally.

Drop Dead.

Sometimes I wonder how it would feel to just... drop dead right now. Everything on my back would be gone and... I don't know. I hope people would miss me if I died. That's the type of impact I want to have if I die. To know that I positively affected the people that were in my life. I think if I died knowing that, then I would be content.

As for right now though... if I died right now I think I would be okay with the type of life I lead. Obviously I wouldn't have been able to live life to its fullest and reach my potential, but I'm glad for the things that have happened, and while the number of regrets I have in life is far too high, I wouldn't do over my life again if I could.

Knowing that I can die at any moment intrigues me. Who knows? Maybe I'll be dead by Monday morning. The problem is that I'm not able to properly value how precious my life is. I take it for granted, and that makes me sad because if I do just that, then there is no purpose in my life. There's no driving force, no motivation, so what is the point of my existence? Why does Kevin exist?

Sayonara

Here's to the closing of yet another post. I was thinking today about how far I'm willing to take this blog (in terms of time). I think it would be amazing if I continued to post at even a weekly basis from now to when I'm on my deathbed. That is, if I end up on a deathbed.

You see, I think I'd rather just die instead of having to die on a deathbed. I would prefer to just die without anything intervening. No ambulances. If I'm going to die, just let me be. Don't move me onto a deathbed if there's no hope. There's no point in trying to provide comfort for those who are terminal.

Then again, aren't we all already terminal? We all have our expiry dates, stamped onto us from the moment we are born. This has been another post. Hope you've enjoyed what little there is to. I'm a 7 today. I contradict myself too much.

"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." - Albert Einstein

New Month

Hooray For November

It's like with everything new: you enjoy it for the first bit, but later on it grows old. However once it's gone, you realize how much that you've taken it for granted and how much you want it back. Unfortunately time is not one of those things we can just "get back". While you may not regret any of your life, some of us just wish that we had more time.

So it's a new month and it will be a new term for the school year pretty soon. I'm extremely anxious to see how I fare in terms of grades. In all honesty, I really want to keep my GPA at 4.0, but I think that if I got one B or something, then I would be fine. It would take off the stress of trying to keep my grades so high and... that would be very nice. But of course I'll always be trying to get the best that I can get.

November's a nice month. It is chilly by now, but I like seeing my breath whenever I step outside. A few days ago I was getting to school early for band and I stepped outside near the soccer pitch. There was a light blanket of fog covering the field and I could see the sun rising over the horizon. I took note of the time, but I never arrived early enough to catch it again. But at that moment I was just able to admire the natural beauty of the world and I hope that I'll be able to have many more of those moments again.

What I Did Yesterday

I apologize for not writing a post yesterday (even though I hinted largely that I would). For some reason I was caught up with everything that had happened that day and I just... forgot. That's the plain and simple truth. I actually did not do that much this Halloween. What I really did was stay home and listen to the sounds of people setting off fireworks near the school (or outside the street, my perception of sound is quite bad from what I have gathered).

I can't say that I've grown out of trick-or-treating because I haven't really gone that many times ever. For some reason the idea of dressing up and knocking on houses screaming, "Trick or treat!" has never much appealed to me. I haven't exactly nailed down what the reason is for this, but I just know that's what it is.

End Off On A Cheery Note

I've tried to be as cheery as I can this post. It isn't difficult because I actually have emotions right now. Most of the time when I'm writing I just don't feel anything. Sometimes I do, and on the rare occasion I absolutely snap and just write off a really really horrid post about my problem. Yeah...

Finally the weekend. This week has really taken me down a notch. I can't wait to just sleep in and... well... sleep in. High spirits put me at an 8, and maybe I'll stay there for a bit.

"There is no forgiveness in nature." - Ugo Betti

Fear.

What A Great Topic And Time.

It's funny how the topic of fear rolls around in my head on the day just before Halloween. I'll probably regret posting today (since this post likely ensures the one tomorrow will be very bad), since I'm liable to lose all of the "amazing" and "intriguing" thoughts that are inside my head right now. So, let's get started shall we?

Fear. People fear things. But what happens once you... lose fear? What happens if you fear nothing? In this case, I will be writing about the fear of death. People fear death. They are afraid of life. After considering why people fear death, I've come up with my conclusion that people do not want to die because life has value for that person. So that means when somebody loses the value in their life... they are not afraid of dying? Maybe that person is afraid of the pain that may or may not arrive with death, but that person is not afraid of dying.

Whenever I think about death it's a scary thing. I have not had to experience the agony of somebody else dying, setting aside my hamster Fluffy, who unfortunately passed away a few years ago. But besides that, I don't know what death is like, and I'm fortunate for that. However when I do think about death it's typically about myself. I wonder what it's like to be dead. Sometimes I wonder if I'll end up in Heaven or Hell. Maybe I'll be reincarnated into a Japanese school girl (first thing that popped into my head when I thought about reincarnations). Death will come at some point of my life. I'm sure of it. And even if there is a way to stay eternal, I would still like to die at one point.

I'm sure everybody wonders how life will be without them. I myself wonder what life would be like, provided that I was never born and never existed. Then I try to envision a world without me, but this time, I have made whatever little impact on this world. Once I hit this realm of thought, I start branching out into thinking about parallel universes and realities, but that's a whole different spectrum of ideas.

Something About This.

First of all, this is not a game review. Not at all. I don't want any hate or criticism for me playing this game either. It just... helps for some reason. So the game I have in mind is a relatively small and unknown game called Heartache 101. I can already hear all the groans and sighs of disappointment.

Anyhow, I picked this game up last night and found that I couldn't stop playing. Essentially the game is about a high school boy (who you are playing as) who makes a deal with his friend (who of course is a girl) to see who can get a partner the quickest. The time limit is 101 days and if you and your friend do not have a partner (or both have one), then there is no consequence.

Basically the game acts like a board game visual novel. Essentially you go through each day (represented by a board with events on it) and eventually you start picking out the one from the various stereotypes of girls that you meet.

Before this starts sounding like a review, I will turn away from the game (if you wanted to try it to see what type of crazy thing I'm talking about, click here) and talk about how it is affecting me. What I enjoy about Heartache 101 is that it takes my mind off my life because I can pretend that I'm living another life. While people may shun me for hiding and running away, I somewhat needed this kind of game. It kind of comforts me because (to me) it's compensating for the lack of a life that I've had for the past bit.

I finished it today. I might just play it again.

Happy Early Halloween

I don't know what I'm going for tomorrow. Unfortunately my idea to go as a rabbit/dog ended up in my mind too late and it's is much too late to order a Japanese school girl uniform and a wig now (I'm pretty sure I'd be able to pull that off, although the school probably wouldn't permit it anyways). I'll probably just go as something lame (I don't even want to go as anything, but council calls).

Don't know what to do for the remainder of the night. This blog post took up some of the time, so I'm happy. I'm a 6 today, if you were still wondering.

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets." - Arthur Miller

Comforting

How Does One Comfort?

I don't typically comfort people. Usually other people look to their other friends for comforting needs, but on the rare occasion they do look for me... I don't know what to do. I wouldn't say I'm a bad "comforter", but usually the situation at hand doesn't call for me to comfort somebody.

But there are always those moments. I came face to face with a situation where a person was sad and I asked her friend if he could comfort her. He said that he didn't really know what words to say, and I replied with the same thing, since I didn't really know what to say either, but she just looked so incredibly sad. Crushed. Down. Depressed. Seeing her that way, instead of her usual smile kind of dampened the mood around the people surrounding her, so I decided to try and comfort her.

So I walked with her a little after school (which is when I saw her). I admit it was kind of weird, but in retrospect I don't regret it. I didn't really know I was trying to comfort her. It was more of a natural thing, and I like how I was able to just talk and not think too hard about what I was trying to do. I don't know what type of effect I had in the end, or what that girl is now thinking, but I'm really pleased with how I handled that situation.

I'm Bad At Reading People

It was my really ignorant belief that I knew how to read people and what they were thinking. Even now, I still have this tiny voice at the back of my head saying, "I can read anybody and anything at anytime.", but I know better than that. Anyways, one reason I was in a bad mood not too long ago was because this one random person just decides to friend me after a quick meeting and then the next morning, poof, unfriended.

Let's get some things straight here though. I do not care that this person unfriended me. Honestly, that is not even any part of the problem. I could not care less, and I am not exaggerating this because I'm in denial, I actually don't really mind it (that just makes me sound more in denial doesn't it?). However (there it is), I want to know why this person did this. Was it a mistake? Does she just not want to talk to me? And if it something like that, why in the world would you not tell me? So I was just confused and angry at myself for being confused.

A Lot To Say

I've had quite a mouthful to say these past few days (that rhymes). Hopefully things will quiet down (although at times I wish that life was livelier, weird right) and I will come back with some legitimate topics to discuss besides me failing to read people and trying to comfort others.

Golfing tomorrow morning. Fun (sarcasm). I'm an 8 today though.

"Be thine own palace, or thy world's thy jail." - John Donne

Perception

Perception Against Meaning: Which One Means More?

A lot of the times when we say something, we have a different meaning behind it, but the receiver perceives it differently. Lately whenever I'm meaning to give thanks to somebody in my household, I've had the urge to say it in Japanese instead of Chinese (you can thank anime influence for that). The thing is, I kind of have more meaning behind the Japanese term than the Chinese term. Maybe it's because the Chinese thank you is just another word that slips effortlessly out of my mouth and doesn't mean much to me, whereas the Japanese thank you is actually something I'm intrigued with, because it's new and it takes more effort to say it.

I'm quite sure that my family members enjoy hearing the Chinese version, since they don't even know what I'm saying, assuming I've said the Japanese form, but then that leads me to the question that I've mentioned in the heading. Which one means more? My meaning behind my words, or the way my family perceives what I'm saying? I enjoy expanding my Japanese vocabulary little by little every time those words in anime become more frequent and have more meaning to them, so I personally believe that this is somewhat beneficial to me.

Nostalgia.

This word was first introduced (or explained) to me a long time ago, by a very good friend of mine. He was talking about how he felt "nostalgic" for Minecraft Alpha and I didn't know the definition of the word yet. So he taught me a bit about it, and to this day I still get what nostalgic means by remembering what happened that day.

Do I feel nostalgic for my days in elementary school? It feels like everything that is happening to me is just pressing down and squishing me, so it'd be natural if I wanted to just take a step out and breathe freely for a bit. But I wonder if I felt that way (carefree) in elementary school. Maybe I was just worried about different things that seemed big to me at the time, but now probably are very small problems compared to my current ones. If I was able to go back and just relive grade seven, I would.

What Do I Want?

I don't know. By the time I figure it out, it's always too late. There probably isn't a solution to this problem, but then again, I've just been accepting things passively lately. I might have just tried to hard to fight back and rebel against things in the past and now I've kind of just given up. For sure it makes things much easier on me, but then again, I've given up.

I am done for today. It was a good day overall and I've cheered up considerably from last night (thank you for sticking with me in my bad times). However there are still problems floating around in the air, so I'm slightly lower than what I usually am. But I'm still a 7 type of person today.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

There's Nobody.

I Can Keep Searching Though

There is nobody I can talk to. I don't think that there ever was, and even if there was, it must have been such a long time ago. It feels like there is really nobody in my life who I can confide my secrets to. Recently I've taken up the habit of talking to complete strangers and telling them about my life problems and asking for help. Obviously I have no problem talking to people about my problems anonymously, so what is the real problem here?

Does this mean that I just don't like being attached to those problems as a person? Does it mean that I do not like being a person who is considered to have problems and difficulty in life? Maybe I want to show myself as an independent and strong person, but it seems like that foundation is slowly falling down with the days and things that happen.

Hopefully there will be somebody who I actually know who I can confide to. I've just been searching. Maybe I didn't know, but that might be the root of why I've been doing the things I have been doing. It might be why I have this desperate will to find new friends. I don't know.

Something More Substantial

The internet is not enough. In fact, I have grown tired and depressed and dreary every time I come in contact with social media. It's the same thing day in day out. Nothing ever changes. It makes my life... somewhat unbearable. I sound too dramatic don't I? I am probably over exaggerating things. If you scaled what I'm "feeling" right now about two times down, then that's more likely it.

So I'll be looking for something to take my mind off things and use up most of my energy. There's nothing on the internet for me anymore.

Goodbye.

Sorry for feeling mopey these past few days. There have just been a string of "depressing" events. Great timing eh? I apologize again. Maybe I just won't post until I'm feeling better.

Low 5. You could bump it up to a low 6. Blame the mood swings and negative thinking.

"Nothing will work unless you do." - Maya Angelou

Mad At Myself

I Snapped.

I was just talking. And I snapped. I lost it. I was suddenly saying everything that had been buried inside me this whole time, and I was letting it affect other people when it was only between this person and I. The funny thing is that I feel really really really rotten about myself, but I feel good. It's like, I'm relieved because I can get all this stuff off my mind, and I'm glad to know that this is what I'm like when I break.

So I broke again tonight.

First Impressions

A lot of the times I wonder what type of impression I give off as a person. Just first impressions, mind you. I don't know if people stick to their first impression about me after they get to know me better, but it's just something that I have been wondering about. Do I give off a really creepy type of impression, or a nice type of impression. It's hard to really figure out what people think of me.

I'm actually writing up the rest of this post this morning. The first bit was just me from last night and I didn't find the time or effort to finish the rest of it. So rest assured, I've cooled down for the most part (if there was anything to be heated about last night). I actually just kind of went to sleep really early (around 8:00 p.m.) and I was surprised that I actually slept through the rest of the night. However I woke up today feeling better than I have in a long time.

People have done "first impressions" on Facebook and stuff like that, but I never bother to like them because can you imagine me getting a first impression online? I can't even see myself getting one in real life without it being extremely awkward.

Is There Another Person out There...?

I had forgotten that I used to think a lot about this. Whenever I'm just doing nothing, and my mind is wandering around, I used to think about the possibility of another living soul feeling and doing the same things that mine was. If that person was thinking about what I was thinking. But it has to be precise. Every single thought and action is the same. I won't accept it if the other person is listening to the radio and thinking about how that question in math was difficult. I will if this person is listening to the same station (which would mean same song or same advertisement), and if this person is thinking about that same question.

Sounds unlikely right? It probably is. I know that it doesn't occur a lot in life, but I wonder if there has ever been a single moment in my life when that happened. When another life and mine aligned perfectly. And I wonder if I have met that person or if I ever will.

That's It. I'm Feeling Mopey.

I don't know what happened last night or if I did something to tick these people off, but I ended up losing two friends. Do I care? I don't know. Maybe. In both cases we were never much friends to begin with, but one I had been friends with for a duration of time and the second one could have been a possible friend.

Sometimes I hang out with people who I don't usually hang out with, and they ask me why I do such a thing. My reply is that I can't fit into a specific clique, so I float around, trying to find my own little group that I can be comfortable around. I'm just still looking. I am 6. Maybe a low 7. Sorry for never saying goodnight.

"Lost time is never found again." - Benjamin Franklin

Time Waster

Stay The Night

I was listening to my playlist one night and eventually this song came on. I had found it a few weeks ago and started to warm up to it (don't judge). Eventually I combined my lack-of-anything-to-do and liking for this song to start up a new project for another lyric video.

If you can still remember from last time, I did actually try to make a lyric video for Can't Hug Every Cat (and if you don't, it's right here if you think you can handle the repetitiveness and dreadfulness of my old typography). That was actually the first lyric video I completed, because all the previous songs I had tried to make one with were just too long (I could however make this one because it was just a little over two minutes in length).

Anyhow, I just started work on my Stay The Night lyric video. This time it won't be like the Can't Hug Every Cat video because I actually took some time to learn how to "spice" up the animations. The new method of animating that I learned actually makes everything so much easier and so much prettier. So that's just something that I'm doing for a time waster.

Here We Go Again.

I feel like every single time I get another thousand views, I write up some sort of little thank you. But 20K is honestly something that I am so thankful for. You guys reading and being interested in this blog is really one of the more driving forces behind why I actually blog. So thank you so much for always being here for me this whole time.

Raw Thoughts On Life.

Right now, just this moment, I felt a huge mixture of emotions. Funny right? Mood swings. Fun. I'm glad that I have the life that I have right now. I'm grateful and mad at all the things that have happened up to this point of my life. I hate how my mind is always infatuated with them, but I also love how it seems like I've been slowly making progress. I'm glad that I'm getting A's in my courses, but I'm worried about what I'm getting in Band class. I feel physically fit whenever I'm playing sports, but whenever we do a run, I feel bad about my shape. I like how I know some grade eights and I like how some of them are really genuinely fun people. I dislike how I don't know all of them, because there are so many things that I could be missing right now. I am terribly sad that I have kind of drifted away from some friends, but I'm also somewhat joyful because I have met new people.

There's no way that I can express my whole day in just one little tiny blog post. All I have to say is 8 and life is so pure.

"Every obnoxious act is a cry for help." - Zig Ziglar