work

may 6

It wasn't an overstatement to say that she was on my mind pretty much the entire day. When I wasn't pulled away by a customer or listening to my next task, my mind automatically wandered to her. It's difficult to break out of a habit that you've had for a while.

Like for christ's sake, I would look at a piece of clothing and think she'd look nice in that. I remember seeing a Snapchat story of her, with one of her guy friends jokingly force feeding her or something like that, and my heart fills with pain and jealousy.

god it fills up and everything is so dark why isn't that me what did i do what did i do why why why how can she have so much fun while i'm suffering why why i'm not even suffering i don't even have it bad look at the people who end up cutting themselves look at people who kill themselves i don't even have it half bad my dudes i'm just jealous i'm just jealous i just need something something in life why am i so jealous i don't deserve to feel jealous she's not mine anymore so i can't say anything i won't say anything i won't do anything even though i need to do something

Usually work is an escape for me, but it felt like a trap. For the whole morning and partway into the afternoon I thought I wouldn't mind dying right now, as long as nobody knows who I am.

For a part of my shift I was assigned to the women's active wear section, which shared a shelf with the women's bottoms area. I shuffled around gloomily, putting on that fake fake fake and terrible smile whenever a customer popped into my view. I remember stopping at a mirror and giving myself a halfhearted smile.

Pathetic. My "smile" sucks.

I looked to my right, into the women's bottoms section, and my heart stopped.

K _ _ _ _ _ ?

For a second I lost myself completely, then I looked closer and breathed out relief. It wasn't her. She looked pretty much like her, even though I haven't seen her since grade 7. K was my second "relationship," if you count a relationship as being two kids saying they like like each other.

If it actually were K, I wonder what I would have said. Maybe I would have tried hiding.

She had the same face and blonde hair, and K would have been this tall by now, so you can't blame me for mistaking her for K. The K lookalike was browsing through our selection of extra stretch jeans, putting down and picking up a pair every minute or so.

.

A few minutes later I heard my grandma's voice. I snapped my head in the direction that the voice came from, but I couldn't find anything, and the voice was gone as quickly as my mind rationalizing that she couldn't be here. It's been like 4 years right?

I wonder if she would be proud of me. She would have gone to my graduation, she would have been there to hear that I had been accepted to UBC. I really really didn't appreciate her at all. I was a spoiled and naive kid.

I'd like to think I'd treat her much better and much more lovingly now than before. Even though I came to the realization that adults have it tough, I haven't been able to do anything for my parents. I think at the very least I would have looked out for her more.

.

When I was working cash later in the day a dude with a really cool accent came by. Not cool in the sense that it's super unique or anything, it sounded Australian and he kept on adding "mate" and "cheers" and stuff like that to his sentences. I've always liked how familial and cheery those words made sentences, but I feel like they wouldn't fit my speaking style.

Another day of work coming today. Maybe I'll write another post on it!